Previous relationship

[Oak 32]

Hi I’m new
If I’m doing things wrong I apologise up front
I just want peoples thoughts on what iv found out only few weeks ago about my new partner’s previous relationship, I knew bits but not the full story and it came as a massive shock , not so much what had happened but how she stayed for 10 years , planned to get pregnant soon as he came out of prison she waited 4 years for him on drug charges .soon as he got out they planned the pregnancy , he went straight back to drugs she gave birth to twins , which he apparently never helped her at all with the babies, he was a drug addict no permanent job and she still stayed with him till the kids were 4 years old , he had previously only just come out of prison when she met him , he already had 2 children from previous relationship that he did not See often , she had her own child from previous relationship when she met him . He is still living in the neighbourhood does not pay or contribute to his children , does not see them on a regular basis , but turns up as and when to try and see them , he blatantly looks like a drug addict !
Iv been with her 7 months now , and she is amazing, we get on so well ,
But a lot of this information I only found out couple of weeks ago and it has really knocked me and made me question who she really is , and her morals and standards in life , they finished about 3 years ago !
Really don’t know what to think now
Can someone just tell me their opinion on this ???
Thanks
Oak 32

 

[Sideways]

To help put it in perspective, is it you or her that has ptsd?

 

[Oak 32]

To be honest I don’t know
Iv just found out at 43 iv got adhd ,
I look back on my life and now I know it’s so obvious,
I am very sensitive about some things , but not sensitive crying , very outspoken and can cut close to the bone ,
What do you think of her last relationship ?
And more to the point would a (what society says )
Normal loving mother go through all that ?

 

[Movingforward10]

What do you think of her last relationship ?

That is was complicated.

How do you think she wasn't a 'normal loving mother'?
What do you see in her and her parenting now?
What is making you judge her?

This is a PTSD forum, and whilst you don't need a diagnosis to be here, it is about PTSD or supporting someone with PTSD. If neither of you have it, then this question may be best on a relationship advice forum.

 

[Oak 32]

no it’s definitely me with the ptsd I was just saying earlier to make light of it , don’t know between us !! I see no problems now , not one ,
But I also ask my self why would you put your son in a shit situation ? That’s why I’m asking that ?
And bringing kids into the world where there is a good chance they won’t have a dad and if they do it’s going to be messed up

 

[Movingforward10]

Because life is messy. And people aren't all bad and he had good qualities amongst the poor life choices. And maybe something about her self worth and previous experiences.

What does she say? That's the most important thing.

Also, I wonder how you're judging this. What are you bringing in to the judgement that is making this hard for you to see past?

 

[Oak 32]

I disagree with the poor life choices !
When you are harming other people through your actions for a long period it’s not just bad life choices , it’s selfishness and no thought for anyone else !!
What’s hard to see past ? Is she still the same person that thought it was ok to live that life with some one for 10 years , put the son she already had into that world and bring two other children into a messed up situation !
And yea I know this is acceptable for some people and normal day life , but in my life it isn’t ,
I was brought up way different , in a hard life ,
This is probably opening my eyes more to how we are different even though we get on so well

 

[Movingforward10]

If it crosses lines for you then it crosses those lines.
What do you want to do?

In your first post you ask other people's opinions on it. But, what does having other people's opinions do? Surely it's about your moral codes, how you live your life, what you see is okay and not okay. And if these things are not okay for you, and it's making you question who she is and how she lives her life, and you can't get past that: then you know what you need to do.

What do you need to see or feel or understand to remain in this relationship?