Hello. ;) I've been skimming over the forum for the past few days and it's brought me enough comfort that I've decided to start posting here.
I turned 21 three months ago, and I started showing symptoms of what I'm pretty sure is ptsd or c-ptsd a little over one month ago. After excruciating hours of searching the internet for the source of my anxiety and being fairly certain that it had something to do with my week on painkillers for my wisdom tooth removal, low serotonin levels, PMS, or something else (there are a lot of causes of anxiety), I've finally come to terms that my mind is dealing with memories that I've suppressed in my mind for years. It's hard to admit that I probably have ptsd, but I guess it's better than being a hypochondriac, because that was not fun having no idea what was wrong with me and having these symptoms come up out of the blue.
So a little over a month ago I was sitting in the parking lot outside of PetSmart with my sister in the car, waiting for our parents to come out, and then this car pulls up and a guy takes his time getting out and getting ready to go into the store, and he resembled so much a teacher that I had when I was 14 and a freshman in high school--the worst teacher I ever had and the source of my trauma. The guy was ugly, bald, short, and looked so much like him that I was so certain that it was him. It's not inconceivable that it was him either, because the last I heard he had moved to the other side of the state, and 3 years ago my dad's job caused us to move to the same general area. This PetSmart we were at is located in the only large city in the area, so that's why I said that it's not inconceivable that it really was him.
Right when I got a good look at him I froze and immediately turned away, and, although it sounds weird, began to blush as an immediate reaction of seeing him/him possibly seeing me. He probably wouldn't even recognize me now, because I look quite a bit different than when I was 14 years old, but I was just so afraid that if he saw me he would recognize me right away and stare at me or try to harass me. That incident of being in such close proximity to (who I thought) was that man, and having that reaction to it made me feel exactly like I was 14 years old and in his classroom again. I believe that that incident outside of PetSmart is the cause of my ptsd symptoms. It's strange, because a few years ago when I was about 17 or 18, my family and I were in Barnes and Noble, and I was positive that that teacher was there too. It looked just like him, and it had to be him. I had the same reaction of wanting to get out of there and not let him see me, but thankfully, that instance didn't trigger any memories like this one did. I've sinced realized that there are a lot of men out there who look like that guy, and any time I see an ugly, bald man with beady eyes and facial hair or characteristics like him, I immediately get panicky and think it's him. (I have nothing against bald guys by the way, and I'm not saying all bald guys are unattractive. This guy shaved his head purposely, and he was in his thirties-ish when he was my teacher, so it's not like every time I see a balding man I go into panic mode or are disgusted). I'm undoubtedly terrified of him, and it's so irrational and so unlikely that I'll ever even see him again out of all the people in the world or even all the people in that one city.
Anyway, this guy was every screw-off's dream teacher, and it was basically like having a middle school delinquent as a teacher. He was so completely unprofessional that it's no wonder he got transferred to a different school after only 2 years of working at my high school. If he's still teaching or coaching girls' tennis/wrestling today, though, there is something very wrong with the administration who hired him. He should NOT be in the teaching profession. While in his class I saw him degrade students, make them feel crappy about themselves, make sexual jokes and references, etc., and not once did anyone learn anything about math, although the entire class came out with easy A's, including myself. By the way, I would rather have had a different teacher and gotten an F. He spent about 10% of the year teaching, and the rest of the time screwing off and getting paid for it. I learned nothing about math from that class.
I was without a doubt the shyest one in the class, and I was in amongst smokers, 10th grade flunkies, and basically just a group of kids that I did not feel comfortable with. I had a couple friends in that class, but I never sat near them and all during that class and ever since I've felt a little uncomfortable around them since they were there to witness all the humiliation I went through.
He loved to pick on me the most, since it was really easy to make me feel uncomfortable and harder to make the older, more experienced kids uncomfortable. I also turn very red if I get too embarrassed, which this teacher found hilarious. I never really thought about blushing before I came into his class, but ever since then it has been one of my biggest insecurities. I imagine it has had some effect on my social interactions, but I've learned to be very confident in myself over the years (until these ptsd symptoms flared up which now leave me feeling quite insecure actually). So this guy would--in class on a daily basis, and even outside of class a couple times if he ran into me--go out of his way to make me blush and watch my face turn red. It got quite a few laughs out of the class, and so basically I was the laughing stock of that class. He would do things like standing behind me and drawing attention to me until I felt uncomfortable and the entire class was staring at me, stare at me for a prolonged period of time until I would get insecure and embarrassed, trap me into doing something out of my comfort zone and not leaving me alone until I did it (such as pulling his finger, answering an embarrassing question, etc.).
As you can see, it was quite horrific and embarrassing, and if I were to list every interaction we ever had or all the embarrassing moments he made for me, the list would be quite long. I've given you a general idea of the things he did to me, but they're so embarrassing that I have trouble even thinking about them or talking about them. I've always kept them in the back of my mind until recently. I did tell my mom about it (and went into about as much detail as I did to you) a few weeks ago when I was having the first of my ptsd symptoms--a severe anxiety attack with intrusive images of that school building. I had never talked to anybody about it before, because, obviously, it's very humiliating for me, but I was so distressed by this anxiety attack that I just had to tell someone. My mom was very supportive, but she is under the impression that ptsd is only related to rape, sexual abuse, fighting in a war, or being in a near-death situation. She has asked me a few times, "Are you sure that teacher didn't sexually abuse you?" And yes, I am sure that he didn't. But my mom doesn't understand. She knows I've experienced anxiety and depression in the last month, and my doctor even prescribed me for Prozac due to anxiety, but my mom won't even let me take them because she thinks my depression is a "normal stage of life" and not due to my traumatic experience. She even thinks that since I had my blood tested and came back with evidence of a vitamin D deficiency, that that is the source of my depression. I wish it were, but it isn't. These ptsd symptoms have even been so distressing and scary that I've had suicidal thoughts, but I could never tell my mom about that. She doesn't seem to think that I need psychiatric help, and I hope that I don't either, but if my symptoms don't go away I think I will. The problem is that the nearest mental health clinic has gotta be 2 hours away, and I would only be able to go two days a week anyway on account of my job. I would definitely be open to talking to a therapist about my trauma, but I just don't want my siblings to know about me going to a mental health clinic, or people at work, etc.
After hearing about the emotional trauma I went through, you're probably wondering why in the hell did I not get out of that class and get a different teacher. Believe me, I wish more than anything in the world that I had. Although I blame that teacher and I hate him, I blame myself too. The whole thing could have been so easily avoided. I could have gotten out of that class after the first day and gotten a normal teacher and had a normal school year. The reasons I didn't were because I was a little 14 year old girl, shy, naïve, young, stupid, didn't know anything about schedule changing, etc. I was just put into that class, and it wasn't like I wanted to be there, but when you're forced to attend school you just go to your classes like you're supposed to and you put up with your teachers until the year ends and you have new ones, and that's what I did. At the time I guess I didn't realize how traumatic it really was. I mean I had friends, and outside of that class, the year was normal, and even fun at times. When the year ended I was very thankful that I didn't ever have to see that teacher again, and I just pushed that embarrassing string of memories to the back of my mind and continued at that high school for the remaining three years. It didn't even seem so bad, either, because there were a few other kids I knew who were known for turning red when embarrassed too. A couple girls I knew, and also a guy who was nicknamed "Salsa" by all his peers. :D The thing is, they were playfully taunted by classmates, while I was publicly humiliated by a teacher.
I think the reason I'm so afraid of that man is because when I was fourteen and in his class, he was my teacher, and he was in charge of the classroom. I was afraid of him then, and I am now even though it's been years since I've been in that class. But what he saw as fun and games with me was traumatizing for me, and he probably still looks at it as hilarious while it has caused me so much unneeded anxiety. He abused his power. He was an educator, and he should have done his job right. He shouldn't have gone into the teaching profession if he was just going to make fun of kids and make them feel bad about themselves. He was supposed to teach. He was a sadistic b*st*rd who should have been fired.
Anyway, over the 7 years since, like I said, I've had a normal life. I've learned that you can trust people, and that the majority of the population aren't out to get you. I've also matured a lot since when I was 14, and I've gotten my fair share of compliments over the more recent years about my looks, which helped to boost my confidence level. I liked to think that that balanced things out, and that a lot of people who go through an awkward stage as a teenager eventually grow into being comfortable with themselves. I just never saw it as a traumatic experience. And I've always been such a happy person. I've had several hobbies and just loved life in general, both before, during, and after that experience at 14. I miss that person that I used to be. Even a couple months ago (before my symptoms) I could just sit down with my favorite TV show and relax away. Now, even that is gone. When I watch TV I still have images of that classroom in my mind and an emotional feeling attached whether it be depression or anxiety or anger. I find it difficult to really concentrate on the dialogue in a TV show now because it all seems so trivial, and I feel more worried about the future or stuck in the past than able to focus on the present.
But now, since that trigger over a month ago, I've experienced a major anxiety attack in which all I could see were images of that classroom and surrounding classrooms on that floor of the building. It wasn't like what I've read some of your usual flashbacks are. It was like an emotional flashback (depressing or anxious feelings) tied to a visual component of the trauma. And the classroom wasn't even full, it was just like an empty classroom with very, very bad feelings attached to it. That anxiety attack is by far the most terrorizing thing I've ever experienced.
After that anxiety attack lasting a week and a half, I seemed to be back to normal for 2 weeks. I felt happy again, and I was so relieved and thought I was cured. I felt so good that I was looking forward to school starting and I even decided to go out and get a job, which I did. I was so happy that I passed the interview and was hired. My first few days on the job I was very focused on the present, and felt normal emotions like excitement, nervousness, happiness, etc. But then after two weeks of feeling normal, the emotional/visual flashbacks began to come back and they've been back for almost 2 weeks now. It hasn't been so much anxiety as it was before, but I've felt major mood swings. Depression, crying spells, suicidal thoughts (today they got really bad and I seriously considered it until coming on here and calming down and getting back to thinking clearly).
I've been taking some natural mood enhancers (vitamins rather than prescription meds). I don't really think they're helping, but they probably can't hurt. But working (full-time) has been so good for me. It's the only thing that truly takes my mind off of things. When I get really focused on doing well at work and the joy of helping customers, it can even up my mood to where I leave work feeling excited, in the present, and almost back to feeling like my normal self. But then when I get home and want to watch TV or just do something to relax, I just get more emotional/visual flashbacks. Sleeping is a relief, but then when I wake up I often feel depressed. It's gotten to the point where I drive to work feeling suicidal and come home feeling hopeful about the future.
But I'm scared about the future. I'm scared that I'm going to get one of my suicidal impulses and act on it. Then again, I know that I could never do that to my parents. They're the best parents ever, and they love me more than I even know. Ending my life would absolutely destroy their lives. I was never suicidal before these ptsd symptoms started. I always thought, "Nothing can ever be so bad that you should end your life," or the usual, "Permanent solution to a temporary problem," until I experienced what ptsd is all about. This is enough to drive someone to suicide. But, I want to get through this, and even though my trauma might be quite different from the other peoples' here, I hope that I can find some comfort here. All I ask is that the symptoms go away and I can return to my normal self. I keep praying about it, and crying, and asking why this is happening to me. I already had to re-live it once. Why do I have to re-live it again? No one should have to go through ptsd.
I knew I had a lot to say, but I didn't intend for it to be that long. Sorry. ;) Thank you to anyone who read all that.
I turned 21 three months ago, and I started showing symptoms of what I'm pretty sure is ptsd or c-ptsd a little over one month ago. After excruciating hours of searching the internet for the source of my anxiety and being fairly certain that it had something to do with my week on painkillers for my wisdom tooth removal, low serotonin levels, PMS, or something else (there are a lot of causes of anxiety), I've finally come to terms that my mind is dealing with memories that I've suppressed in my mind for years. It's hard to admit that I probably have ptsd, but I guess it's better than being a hypochondriac, because that was not fun having no idea what was wrong with me and having these symptoms come up out of the blue.
So a little over a month ago I was sitting in the parking lot outside of PetSmart with my sister in the car, waiting for our parents to come out, and then this car pulls up and a guy takes his time getting out and getting ready to go into the store, and he resembled so much a teacher that I had when I was 14 and a freshman in high school--the worst teacher I ever had and the source of my trauma. The guy was ugly, bald, short, and looked so much like him that I was so certain that it was him. It's not inconceivable that it was him either, because the last I heard he had moved to the other side of the state, and 3 years ago my dad's job caused us to move to the same general area. This PetSmart we were at is located in the only large city in the area, so that's why I said that it's not inconceivable that it really was him.
Right when I got a good look at him I froze and immediately turned away, and, although it sounds weird, began to blush as an immediate reaction of seeing him/him possibly seeing me. He probably wouldn't even recognize me now, because I look quite a bit different than when I was 14 years old, but I was just so afraid that if he saw me he would recognize me right away and stare at me or try to harass me. That incident of being in such close proximity to (who I thought) was that man, and having that reaction to it made me feel exactly like I was 14 years old and in his classroom again. I believe that that incident outside of PetSmart is the cause of my ptsd symptoms. It's strange, because a few years ago when I was about 17 or 18, my family and I were in Barnes and Noble, and I was positive that that teacher was there too. It looked just like him, and it had to be him. I had the same reaction of wanting to get out of there and not let him see me, but thankfully, that instance didn't trigger any memories like this one did. I've sinced realized that there are a lot of men out there who look like that guy, and any time I see an ugly, bald man with beady eyes and facial hair or characteristics like him, I immediately get panicky and think it's him. (I have nothing against bald guys by the way, and I'm not saying all bald guys are unattractive. This guy shaved his head purposely, and he was in his thirties-ish when he was my teacher, so it's not like every time I see a balding man I go into panic mode or are disgusted). I'm undoubtedly terrified of him, and it's so irrational and so unlikely that I'll ever even see him again out of all the people in the world or even all the people in that one city.
Anyway, this guy was every screw-off's dream teacher, and it was basically like having a middle school delinquent as a teacher. He was so completely unprofessional that it's no wonder he got transferred to a different school after only 2 years of working at my high school. If he's still teaching or coaching girls' tennis/wrestling today, though, there is something very wrong with the administration who hired him. He should NOT be in the teaching profession. While in his class I saw him degrade students, make them feel crappy about themselves, make sexual jokes and references, etc., and not once did anyone learn anything about math, although the entire class came out with easy A's, including myself. By the way, I would rather have had a different teacher and gotten an F. He spent about 10% of the year teaching, and the rest of the time screwing off and getting paid for it. I learned nothing about math from that class.
I was without a doubt the shyest one in the class, and I was in amongst smokers, 10th grade flunkies, and basically just a group of kids that I did not feel comfortable with. I had a couple friends in that class, but I never sat near them and all during that class and ever since I've felt a little uncomfortable around them since they were there to witness all the humiliation I went through.
He loved to pick on me the most, since it was really easy to make me feel uncomfortable and harder to make the older, more experienced kids uncomfortable. I also turn very red if I get too embarrassed, which this teacher found hilarious. I never really thought about blushing before I came into his class, but ever since then it has been one of my biggest insecurities. I imagine it has had some effect on my social interactions, but I've learned to be very confident in myself over the years (until these ptsd symptoms flared up which now leave me feeling quite insecure actually). So this guy would--in class on a daily basis, and even outside of class a couple times if he ran into me--go out of his way to make me blush and watch my face turn red. It got quite a few laughs out of the class, and so basically I was the laughing stock of that class. He would do things like standing behind me and drawing attention to me until I felt uncomfortable and the entire class was staring at me, stare at me for a prolonged period of time until I would get insecure and embarrassed, trap me into doing something out of my comfort zone and not leaving me alone until I did it (such as pulling his finger, answering an embarrassing question, etc.).
As you can see, it was quite horrific and embarrassing, and if I were to list every interaction we ever had or all the embarrassing moments he made for me, the list would be quite long. I've given you a general idea of the things he did to me, but they're so embarrassing that I have trouble even thinking about them or talking about them. I've always kept them in the back of my mind until recently. I did tell my mom about it (and went into about as much detail as I did to you) a few weeks ago when I was having the first of my ptsd symptoms--a severe anxiety attack with intrusive images of that school building. I had never talked to anybody about it before, because, obviously, it's very humiliating for me, but I was so distressed by this anxiety attack that I just had to tell someone. My mom was very supportive, but she is under the impression that ptsd is only related to rape, sexual abuse, fighting in a war, or being in a near-death situation. She has asked me a few times, "Are you sure that teacher didn't sexually abuse you?" And yes, I am sure that he didn't. But my mom doesn't understand. She knows I've experienced anxiety and depression in the last month, and my doctor even prescribed me for Prozac due to anxiety, but my mom won't even let me take them because she thinks my depression is a "normal stage of life" and not due to my traumatic experience. She even thinks that since I had my blood tested and came back with evidence of a vitamin D deficiency, that that is the source of my depression. I wish it were, but it isn't. These ptsd symptoms have even been so distressing and scary that I've had suicidal thoughts, but I could never tell my mom about that. She doesn't seem to think that I need psychiatric help, and I hope that I don't either, but if my symptoms don't go away I think I will. The problem is that the nearest mental health clinic has gotta be 2 hours away, and I would only be able to go two days a week anyway on account of my job. I would definitely be open to talking to a therapist about my trauma, but I just don't want my siblings to know about me going to a mental health clinic, or people at work, etc.
After hearing about the emotional trauma I went through, you're probably wondering why in the hell did I not get out of that class and get a different teacher. Believe me, I wish more than anything in the world that I had. Although I blame that teacher and I hate him, I blame myself too. The whole thing could have been so easily avoided. I could have gotten out of that class after the first day and gotten a normal teacher and had a normal school year. The reasons I didn't were because I was a little 14 year old girl, shy, naïve, young, stupid, didn't know anything about schedule changing, etc. I was just put into that class, and it wasn't like I wanted to be there, but when you're forced to attend school you just go to your classes like you're supposed to and you put up with your teachers until the year ends and you have new ones, and that's what I did. At the time I guess I didn't realize how traumatic it really was. I mean I had friends, and outside of that class, the year was normal, and even fun at times. When the year ended I was very thankful that I didn't ever have to see that teacher again, and I just pushed that embarrassing string of memories to the back of my mind and continued at that high school for the remaining three years. It didn't even seem so bad, either, because there were a few other kids I knew who were known for turning red when embarrassed too. A couple girls I knew, and also a guy who was nicknamed "Salsa" by all his peers. :D The thing is, they were playfully taunted by classmates, while I was publicly humiliated by a teacher.
I think the reason I'm so afraid of that man is because when I was fourteen and in his class, he was my teacher, and he was in charge of the classroom. I was afraid of him then, and I am now even though it's been years since I've been in that class. But what he saw as fun and games with me was traumatizing for me, and he probably still looks at it as hilarious while it has caused me so much unneeded anxiety. He abused his power. He was an educator, and he should have done his job right. He shouldn't have gone into the teaching profession if he was just going to make fun of kids and make them feel bad about themselves. He was supposed to teach. He was a sadistic b*st*rd who should have been fired.
Anyway, over the 7 years since, like I said, I've had a normal life. I've learned that you can trust people, and that the majority of the population aren't out to get you. I've also matured a lot since when I was 14, and I've gotten my fair share of compliments over the more recent years about my looks, which helped to boost my confidence level. I liked to think that that balanced things out, and that a lot of people who go through an awkward stage as a teenager eventually grow into being comfortable with themselves. I just never saw it as a traumatic experience. And I've always been such a happy person. I've had several hobbies and just loved life in general, both before, during, and after that experience at 14. I miss that person that I used to be. Even a couple months ago (before my symptoms) I could just sit down with my favorite TV show and relax away. Now, even that is gone. When I watch TV I still have images of that classroom in my mind and an emotional feeling attached whether it be depression or anxiety or anger. I find it difficult to really concentrate on the dialogue in a TV show now because it all seems so trivial, and I feel more worried about the future or stuck in the past than able to focus on the present.
But now, since that trigger over a month ago, I've experienced a major anxiety attack in which all I could see were images of that classroom and surrounding classrooms on that floor of the building. It wasn't like what I've read some of your usual flashbacks are. It was like an emotional flashback (depressing or anxious feelings) tied to a visual component of the trauma. And the classroom wasn't even full, it was just like an empty classroom with very, very bad feelings attached to it. That anxiety attack is by far the most terrorizing thing I've ever experienced.
After that anxiety attack lasting a week and a half, I seemed to be back to normal for 2 weeks. I felt happy again, and I was so relieved and thought I was cured. I felt so good that I was looking forward to school starting and I even decided to go out and get a job, which I did. I was so happy that I passed the interview and was hired. My first few days on the job I was very focused on the present, and felt normal emotions like excitement, nervousness, happiness, etc. But then after two weeks of feeling normal, the emotional/visual flashbacks began to come back and they've been back for almost 2 weeks now. It hasn't been so much anxiety as it was before, but I've felt major mood swings. Depression, crying spells, suicidal thoughts (today they got really bad and I seriously considered it until coming on here and calming down and getting back to thinking clearly).
I've been taking some natural mood enhancers (vitamins rather than prescription meds). I don't really think they're helping, but they probably can't hurt. But working (full-time) has been so good for me. It's the only thing that truly takes my mind off of things. When I get really focused on doing well at work and the joy of helping customers, it can even up my mood to where I leave work feeling excited, in the present, and almost back to feeling like my normal self. But then when I get home and want to watch TV or just do something to relax, I just get more emotional/visual flashbacks. Sleeping is a relief, but then when I wake up I often feel depressed. It's gotten to the point where I drive to work feeling suicidal and come home feeling hopeful about the future.
But I'm scared about the future. I'm scared that I'm going to get one of my suicidal impulses and act on it. Then again, I know that I could never do that to my parents. They're the best parents ever, and they love me more than I even know. Ending my life would absolutely destroy their lives. I was never suicidal before these ptsd symptoms started. I always thought, "Nothing can ever be so bad that you should end your life," or the usual, "Permanent solution to a temporary problem," until I experienced what ptsd is all about. This is enough to drive someone to suicide. But, I want to get through this, and even though my trauma might be quite different from the other peoples' here, I hope that I can find some comfort here. All I ask is that the symptoms go away and I can return to my normal self. I keep praying about it, and crying, and asking why this is happening to me. I already had to re-live it once. Why do I have to re-live it again? No one should have to go through ptsd.
I knew I had a lot to say, but I didn't intend for it to be that long. Sorry. ;) Thank you to anyone who read all that.
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