Problems With Therapy

[sonickel77]

Hello everyone

I'm lucky to have a psychiatrist I really like. He is a few years older than me, easy on the eye (married though), and very empathic, good listener, etc.

But now I am getting jealous of him. He earns heaps of money by doing what makes him reasonably happy, probably he is happy at home too, having a nice life. He wears cuff links to the office every day, and expensive (but conservative) clothes, very good quality. He hasn't said anything about himself, preferring to be a blank slate, but I get the feeling he comes from a privileged background. He is very new in his career, and is already writing conference and journal papers on PTSD, Borderline, and attachment disorders. (I found this out via Google).

Damn it! If I wasn't so messed up, I could have achieved a lot too. But no. I am unemployed, in and out of jobs really quickly, changing careers constantly, feeling unsafe in groups and outside, with NO loved one. :( And he reckons it will take me years to recover. Years I don't really have.

Not fair!

 

[cragger65]

Sonickel, I can relate to this very well. The people who treat me seem so blessed. A partner, children, close family ties, the whole package. I've learned that such comparison leads to one place, and that's feeling jipped.

This may seem a small compense at the moment, but being ill as we are can lend to us a depth that your "average Joe" may very well never phathom. A sense of compassion, an appreciation for the little things that bring us a bit of peace and joy.

I think it is very natural that you feel this way, the important thing is that you not let it consume you (I have some experience with this myself). Making a list of things you appreciate and are grateful for (including T) is one way to keep coming back to centre.

There was a study done recently in New York of just ordinary folk. They were divided into 2 groups. The first group was asked to talk about celebrities, people they thought of as "having it all" and the lives they must live.

The second group was asked to consider the lives of those much less fortunate. The 2 groups were asked to complete a depression inventory exam at the end of the day, and the group talking about "stars" - all had low mood ratings. While the people talking about the less fortunate all saw themselves as having good fortune and scored higher overall as a group.

It tells us something of the diet of the mind and how it affects the way we feel. Does that make me a master of this? Hell no!! I fall down all the same holes as everyone else. But being aware of this can head off disasters in thinking before they become disasters.

Hope this makes some sense. You are doing your best, and that's worth something.
Dave

 

[dust]

Could you talk to your therapist about these feelings? Is it possible that a conversation with him about this could help you access and identify the feeling of grief and loss that comes with dealing with trauma?

I agree that it is unfair and unjust that we have to work so hard to get to a stage when we can operate like 'normal' (whatever our perception of this is) people. But everyone has pain in their lives... it might be worth asking your therapist what motivated him to become one?

Oh, I just wanted to add - I also have been grieving for the losses in my life/of my life to this date (I am 39), but now feel more comfy with and understand what I have been up against and I have hope for the future. I don't think that sense of loss will ever go away, but it becomes more manageable over time.

dust

 

[kers]

I understand your feelings, as sometimes I feel jealous of my therapist because he has a family, a wife and kids, and I want that. It's grist for the mill, and talking about it helps us examine ourselves.

You might also think about how your assumptions might be incorrect. He's young; he may have heaps of debt from medical school. He may have cuff links because someone gave them to him. And so on. Talking about these feelings can be very helpful in understanding what you want out of your life.

 

[Tinyflame]

kers- you are so right. I work with people intimately and have to become because of it, part of the Family Dynamic, so to speak, across all economic backgrounds. Between what I see and what they tell me and what I am exposed to myself, -believe me, things are rarely what they appear. And I really DO mean RARELY. But I understand, to the extent that the one thing that used to make me envious (sort of across-the-board) were people with families. But appearances can be very deceiving, and frequently I find this the case amongst those who (appear) to be the most privileged.

 

[fin]

Yeah I can in some ways relate to this, you can never really know where someone else is coming from. I try never to judge a book by its cover, or its foreword.

craggers puts this brilliantly, but I have to add; try never to let positive thinking confuse you that you have not had it so bad or level that something has happened to you, that you now need help for, because that can lead to denial of worth. And I was there for a long time...

I kept seeing things as positive, I would learn from this, this will make me stronger...it is a beautiful day etc etc....while these things can and I believe are all be true, they can also; if you deny what has happened, get you thinking that the stuff that brought you down should have no meaning, and not have brought you down. And that can be a dangerous place and can stall you in moving forward.
This stuff did have and still has a profound effect on you. But you are moving forward now, and working towards healing, this thinking, will get easier and the positive thinking that will help will become somewhat easier also.

And as craggers has said; "A sense of compassion, an appreciation for the little things that bring us a bit of peace and joy." will very much stand you in good stead in helping you to cope with the now, and...

craggers; "the important thing is that you not let it consume you (I have some experience with this myself). Making a list of things you appreciate and are grateful for (including T) is one way to keep coming back to centre." This is a really usefull thing to do


Welcome Sonickel, read as much as you can, the understanding that is shared here is invaluable.

And as craggers has said understanding the diet of the mind, will help us, I believe; to know how to nourish it. Be as honest as you can be with yourself, but in doing so try not to dwell on what others have or do not have. There will always be someone worse off or better off than ourselves.

~fin

 

[freya]

I really liked Craggers post.

I have been client to many many therapists and psychiatrists. My impression is that most of them don't have the life experience I do!
They may have a lot of opportunities, I had more challenges...
In a way I can be grateful for the challenges, too.

Maybe they are well off. Maybe they have a nice career. Maybe they have a family, kids.
I too feel sad that I didn't really get a chance to have those things. At the same time I would not assume that they are truly HAPPIER than anyone else.

Also, it's rather easy for someone who is being a 'blank slate' to be seen as happy and well-off. You don't really get a good impression that way..

I thought the comment on grieving your loss is good. Feeling this jealousy may be part of the grieving process...

Freya

 

[Marlene]

The expression 'Everyone seems normal until you know them' can also be used here for 'Everyone seems better off, having more, happier, etc. until you know them.' I've had people tell me that they jealous of me and my life because I have a husband and children, house, etc. I just want to look at them and laugh and say 'Well, if you want to be like me you have to take the mental illness, past abuse, traumas and symptoms along with everything else'.

We all have our problems, failings, issues, etc. Therapists are no different. They're human just like us. In talking to my therapist over the last two and a half years, we've had some chats about families (we have a lot of similarities-long term relationships, grown children, grandchildren, etc.) and I've gleaned information that he has a regular life with its up and downs. That comforted me quite a bit. Which, I think, was the reason he shared it with me.

I agree with those that said to talk to your therapist about how you feel. I've found that if I feel a certain way and the only way to feel better is to talk to the one person who can help me, then I do it. If nothing else it helps your mind settle.

Lisa

 

[DrDanger1979]

Jealous Feelings

I am new to the forum, and new to understanding how to cope for myself. I have spent many years, though, on the other side of treatment as a minister.

As the others have stated, the gifts you now have will in time be invaluable in assisting others. They mentioned compassion, and along with this you can include kindness, empathy (not just sympathy - truly being able to feel what they are feeling), and peace. The peace you will attain will be infectious. I only speak with confidence on this because of what I have seen with others I have assisted, as well as those that are trying to assist me who have faced their demons and are winning.

I do hope that through this forum, and other treatment you are obtaining, that you are strengthened and encouraged.

 

[2quilt]

He has a contagious disease you don't know about, his family is more screwed up than you can imagine (all humans are disfunctional), his wife cheats and he is on the verge of bankrupcy.

He aint so perfect.

All you see is the professional cufflinked facade he wants you to see.

If he talked about his personal stuff, you would see that he is an imperfect human being with just as many problems as you and I have.

Think of how many people think that celebrities have perfect lives. Then remember that Tina Turner's husband used to beat the shit out of her on a regular basis, so it does not matter how good you can sing, how pretty you are or how much you have in the bank. Everyone has problems.

 

[Ursa]

He has a contagious disease you don't know about, his family is more screwed up than you can imagine (all humans are disfunctional), his wife cheats and he is on the verge of bankrupcy.

I don't desire this to anybody. But I have to tell you that this was very funny and I am laughing very hard right now.
:rofl:

 

[teejaye]

2Quilt is 2funny! Hopefully that joke wasn't too cheesy ;-)

I agree with everything written here - bringing it up to your therapist can help make your thoughts more real and you and he can be human beings together. While working at a domestic violence shelter straight out of college, I was more broker than broke, and saved my nice clothes for work (changing out of them at night to save on the wear and tear). I was bouncing checks and had no social life because everything cost money. But one day a survivor I was working with, who was very closed off to me, made a comment about me having it all. She never changed her mind about me, and she continued shutting me out. But if she could have seen me - really seen me - I think she and I could have connected in a genuine way.

It's hard to connect with someone we see as different from us because sometimes we think they are going to reject us, or we think they judge us already so what is the point? I say we all have the right to be just where we are. We might have gotten there a little later than everyone else, but if we're rocking it who cares!