Relationship Progress

[Dallas]

Hello,

I signed on here the beginning of August and I just wanted to update people on my progress. I have been dating a Desert Storm veteran with combat PTSD since May. After about 3 months of dating, where everything was going really well, the first “disappearance” happened which compelled me to sign on here.

The disappearance was prompted by a need/desire to regulate his medication and he has been in and out of the VA hospital since then, working very hard and diligently to become as healthy as possible. I am so proud of him at how much progress he’s made. During his “disappearance” and subsequent times in the hospital, I write letters to him about once a week. I kept them light, but also tell him I care for him very much and I am there for him. I think he treasures these letters, and keeps him somewhat grounded and bonded to our relationship during the times he is unable to physically be there with me.

He now has the opportunity to go back to school, under a program which the VA will pay for. He wants us to start an official life together and stay with me while he goes to school and he will be also able to help me out. We are both excited at starting a new chapter in our lives, but I am taking one day at a time. I am grateful he is working so hard to regulate his medication so we can have a healthy relationship together, but I also realize there may be rough times ahead as well.

Through this I have learned to rely entirely on God and put him in God’s hands, knowing God can take care of him better than I ever could. I have maintained my own active life so far with the grace of God, but am so grateful God is giving us this opportunity to start a life together. So with pure love stemming from God’s grace….there is hope, and I thank God for his blessings on our lives.

Sincerely,
Dallas

 

[here4him]

I'm glad things are going well. I read so many posts were it seems there is no hope so this is nice for me. The guy I was dating knows he has PTSD, goes to therapy (individual and recently group), but knows it isn't enough. He is taking steps to get more help. I know this makes my story different from many where the sufferer is in denial, not going to therapy, not taking medication, etc., but I never know how much different it really is.

 

[Eleanor]

There is all the difference in the world between trying to have and negotiate a relationship with someone who is acknowledges and is actively managing their PTSD, and someone who is in denial, and/or is not managing it. It is possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is working on their symptoms and working through their trauma. It is not, IMO, possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has uncontrolled PTSD and is not actively pursuing treatment.

For both of you, and your fellows as well, it might be helpful to read through Anthony's posts (here and there, I am afraid) on his experience of getting his symptoms under control... It is a long process.

 

[Dallas]

Yes, Eleanor. Actually, he is so much more expressive about his feelings and what he wants and needs than I am! I am not used to this and have never had it in a relationship before with any man I've ever been with. Lol! It is a refreshing change!

I think all his therapy, group and one-on-one has really paid off. He is so open about his feelings, sometimes it just knocks me over (in a good way). Now I have to learn to be more like him and learn to open up and express myself too! What a shock! :p

 

[LoveHimThroughThis]

I can relate to your situation Dallas. I began dating a war vet myself about 7 or 8 months ago now. When we first got together, he knew he was different but believed he had Traumatic Brain Injury rather than PTSD. I knew that this was probably because of the negative way PTSD is viewed and often dismissed as a crybaby thing among service members.

I started researching it right away and was sure it was PTSD and probably TBI as well. He started in the VA for treatment and though he refuses to do the 12 week inpatient treatment at this point, he is good about going to his therapy appts and has finally agreed to take medication.

I think the first signs of him withdrawing from me were not long after we moved in together. I understand and accept that he will go through periods of this and do my best to give him some space. However, I have noticed that these periods have started being more often despite meds and therapy. I came here looking for advice and insight about setting boundaries that won't push him farther back, but allow me to feel as though he isn't taking advantage of my understanding.

I am sure I will find more on how to do this as I read more here. I tried to consult his therapist but she was NO help and pretty much just recited standard generic info on PTSD I had already googled. I also understand HIPPA, but he has told her she can discuss anything with me so, she isn't my favorite.

In the end, I know he is a good man and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. I also have a neurological disease that affects me in phases and having my first one since we got together has been a real challenge. I am hurt that he doesn't give me the same consideration that I extend him, but for the time being I am working on the assumption that is part of his symptoms.

I will say that aside from being selfish and withdrawn lately, he is a wonderful man who has never been violent with me. My main concern is that he doesn't seem to do much more than he has to for his recovery (going to the VA appts) and it has become obvious that will not cut it.

Hopefully here I will find tools and insight to help us, or help me urge him toward better recovery.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

He is so lucky to have you. You are amazing to be there for him. Take good care of yourself. This stuff is not for sissies. You must be very brave and strong. I wish you the best. I hope it all works out for you in the best way.

 

[Lovemyman]

I am new here. My fiancé has PTSD from being in Iraq and afghan. He does take medicine but doesn't talk about it much. We've been together since jan. yes we moved a little fast but it feels right. I'm beginning to think we may have moved too quick. I love him very much and am at a loss now as to what to do. He told me before he moved in that he doesn't like change but one it's done he's ok so when he was moving in I made sure everything was ok with him and he seemed to make the transition smoothly. In the process of moving in he started running out of medicine while waiting or the va to ship him more. I didn't realize that he was out of his meds for PTSD. After about a week of being off his meds erything seemed to be ok until I came home for work and he was gone. He had packed up everything of his and left. I had tried to call him and he didn't answer. I still haven't heard from him and it's been a week now. He has grown children and he has called them and told him he was ok and by that time had been off his med for two weeks and told them he was having them mailed. He has not contacted his dad and that is very odd cause he's very close to his father. I don't know what to make of this. His family says that he doesnt just leave that if he had a problem with me he would had talked to me.

The week he left I found out that helicopters had been flying low at the house looking for marijuana patches I live close to the river. So I'm wondering if this is a result from PTSD? I don't know what to do. All I do is call and lead a MSG saying I love him and am thinking of him. Any suggestions or help is greatly appreciated. I told him from day one of me finding out i was with him for better or worse

Also we joined church and was baptized together. That was also a big step for him.

 

[Lovemyman]

Oh and he's a very loving man. Everyone that was around us could see how much he loves me. He spoiled me. He is so good with my kids also.

 

[Dallas]

Oh boy, Lovemyman. That is rough. It sounds like he loves you and wants to make the committment to you, but something that has nothing to do with you set him off. I think what you are doing is good. Just leave a message every few days, even once a week. Let him have his space. He will come back. He is feeling bad now that he let you down and he has to come to terms with that. It may take a while. Let him be for now and he will come back. You will be surprised.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Lovemyman]

Thank you. I went and talked with our preacher and we are new there so he's not had much time to talk with us but he said he really felt that my fiancé got overwhelmed and only thing he knew was to run. He also broke his back on his last tour He is able to walk and all but on bad weather days he has trouble My preacher thinks that he probable feels that he can't be the "man" he thinks I need regardless of how much I tell him he is. We've never had an argument, fight. Or cross word

 

[Dallas]

yes, that is similar to what goes on with us. When he is feeling like that, I just let him be. So far he always decides to keep on going with us...I think the more space you give him the better it is and the sooner they come back.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Lovemyman]

Ugh it's hard for me because I hate not knowing what's going on. So does this sound like classic symptoms?