As was probably evident in my last post I made on here a while back, I have been severely depressed as of lately. I was planning out how I would kill myself. I had started drinking and on a very bad day where I was unable to get out of bed I finally did so by downing shots of vodka and getting to lecture tipsy.
I've been having nightmares and nasty flashbacks on top of my depression and it was not helping to say the least. Every minute I was alive I was angry I had to be so. BUT. Today I felt like I overcame the worst of it. I got out of work and realized I was actually happy I was done with work. I felt cheerful and that's how I knew I had overcome it. As soon as I got to my therapy session I talked over everything with my therapist and explained to her that I was genuinely concerned that I would seriously hurt myself if those "episodes" continue. Together we made a plan that when it gets really bad like that again I will call her to schedule extra appointments during the week. She also is getting me information for my school's crisis center so that I can go there as well the next time it happens.
I also swallowed my fears and agreed to tried medication again. (I was raised in a very anti-psych med family so psych meds make me incredibly nervous, I threw out the last meds she gave me while psychotic) She prescribed me Zoloft and Atavan and promised to start me on the lowest doses of each to calm my nervousness. The Atavan is to help with my anxiety at night to try to stave off flashbacks and the Zoloft is for my general depression.
She thinks I have depression with psychotic features and PTSD and I agree with that. I wonder if she thinks I have an anxiety disorder like the other psychiatrists I saw though? Hmm. Oh well.
Anyways I just feel really accomplished and proud that I am trying to make change for myself. If my parents, if no one else is going to try to help me or make it so I can enjoy my life then I WILL.
I've been having nightmares and nasty flashbacks on top of my depression and it was not helping to say the least. Every minute I was alive I was angry I had to be so. BUT. Today I felt like I overcame the worst of it. I got out of work and realized I was actually happy I was done with work. I felt cheerful and that's how I knew I had overcome it. As soon as I got to my therapy session I talked over everything with my therapist and explained to her that I was genuinely concerned that I would seriously hurt myself if those "episodes" continue. Together we made a plan that when it gets really bad like that again I will call her to schedule extra appointments during the week. She also is getting me information for my school's crisis center so that I can go there as well the next time it happens.
I also swallowed my fears and agreed to tried medication again. (I was raised in a very anti-psych med family so psych meds make me incredibly nervous, I threw out the last meds she gave me while psychotic) She prescribed me Zoloft and Atavan and promised to start me on the lowest doses of each to calm my nervousness. The Atavan is to help with my anxiety at night to try to stave off flashbacks and the Zoloft is for my general depression.
She thinks I have depression with psychotic features and PTSD and I agree with that. I wonder if she thinks I have an anxiety disorder like the other psychiatrists I saw though? Hmm. Oh well.
Anyways I just feel really accomplished and proud that I am trying to make change for myself. If my parents, if no one else is going to try to help me or make it so I can enjoy my life then I WILL.
