DesertChild
New Here
I got a series of traumas--emotional abuse from a parent, bullying since I was in Kindergarten, and pretty much no place to run or hide, which is when I developed dissociation as a skill to keep it together. Because if I didn't, I probably would be dead by now. Got other traumas along the way too... SO emotional abuse, which I can't really talk about because of my last therapist. And a series of deaths. Lots of them.
I think I know what's triggering the dissociation--facing my abuser and being near them in say, 2 months time (relative's wedding). (Also the extreme isolation from my family since I'm not allowed to talk about it, address it, and they conveniently "forget"). And probably blocking flashbacks, since it kicked in I've gotten none, because I can't feel anything, which is key to memory retrieval, at least for me.
I worked hard to try to overcome this dissociation, which therapists didn't catch-- you know because I'm PoC, and it's "normal" for my race to be so quiet and really, the parts I did claim as racism and prejudice "Weren't really racism and prejudice."
I had to struggle to get out on my own. But now it's back and this time rather than a means of escape it's really bugging me. First of all it's prolonged. It's been going on for at least 2 months now. It's more like my sense of emotions is numb and everything is fuzzy on the edges--even my vision seems fuzzy at times (though it's not eye sight related, it's more like a permanent morning fog). I can *see* my body react to emotions and my inflection is normal, but I don't *feel* anything that my body is doing. (I kinda think I developed this skill after therapist 1 screwed up by not recognizing the problems and asking the wrong questions.) Also checking out with having some odd fantasies and staring into space.
It's very, very horrible, because sometimes I have a delayed reaction to things like panic attacks and depression, so instead of being able to address it as it comes up and mitigate it, and being aware of it, because I *feel* it, it's like getting hit by a bulldozer.
The day before yesterday, I was in a heavy dissociative fog, and I started to feel the edge of panic coming, kinda--kinda like this numb ache from the fog and my body started to do things that were associated with it, like repetitive motions, clenched fists, sweating but I couldn't figure out how bad it was because I couldn't feel it, so I couldn't feel how much time I had left. (Because I can't feel time). I ended up having to do rapid breathing in an aisle.
Also my sense of time is getting screwed up. I'm not feeling hungry, when I should (which might be combining with depression, but I have no way of knowing that.)
And I'm having memory lapses because my sense of time and place are also getting screwed with. My usual systems are failing, which I built to cope.
The dissociation clears with an intense emotion like, say a panic attack or severe, can't get out of bed depression with a side of suicide ideation, but doesn't last that long. If I consciously try to challenge it, the dissociation gets worse than before. It's gotten to the point where the dissociation is dissociating itself, but I only notice because my memory, and sense of place are screwed up. (It's like I'm sitting at my computer, and then I travel, but I can't really connect that self to the one that was sitting at the computer and if it's a repetitive action, I can't place when it happened by feel--was it this week or last week? And then when I'm at a new place, I can't connect that self to the one that was traveling or the one that was at the computer--when I'm off the dissociation, I have no problem because I can connect the changing emotions). It's getting thicker as the date approaches, which means it's combining with my anxiety, because I cognitively think the worry is irrational.
I *do* have a therapist, but the therapist is totally lost on this and I can't find guides in the DSM or in general about forms of dissociation that's not DID and how to handle it. The best they are saying I can do is hang in there... but I'm so worn out. I cognitively want to go, but my mental health is deteriorating as the date gets closer.
I'm trying the usual avenues, root yourself in the present, mindfulness, try to allow it to go on and then route yourself, do physical exercise, set alarms, and it's resisting, a whole ton. Is it because I used those techniques when I was getting abuse? It might be because the anxiety is anticipating trauma, but it's not going well. But that's 2 months from now. So I don't understand that. Ideas on how to cope and work through it?
I think I know what's triggering the dissociation--facing my abuser and being near them in say, 2 months time (relative's wedding). (Also the extreme isolation from my family since I'm not allowed to talk about it, address it, and they conveniently "forget"). And probably blocking flashbacks, since it kicked in I've gotten none, because I can't feel anything, which is key to memory retrieval, at least for me.
I worked hard to try to overcome this dissociation, which therapists didn't catch-- you know because I'm PoC, and it's "normal" for my race to be so quiet and really, the parts I did claim as racism and prejudice "Weren't really racism and prejudice."
I had to struggle to get out on my own. But now it's back and this time rather than a means of escape it's really bugging me. First of all it's prolonged. It's been going on for at least 2 months now. It's more like my sense of emotions is numb and everything is fuzzy on the edges--even my vision seems fuzzy at times (though it's not eye sight related, it's more like a permanent morning fog). I can *see* my body react to emotions and my inflection is normal, but I don't *feel* anything that my body is doing. (I kinda think I developed this skill after therapist 1 screwed up by not recognizing the problems and asking the wrong questions.) Also checking out with having some odd fantasies and staring into space.
It's very, very horrible, because sometimes I have a delayed reaction to things like panic attacks and depression, so instead of being able to address it as it comes up and mitigate it, and being aware of it, because I *feel* it, it's like getting hit by a bulldozer.
The day before yesterday, I was in a heavy dissociative fog, and I started to feel the edge of panic coming, kinda--kinda like this numb ache from the fog and my body started to do things that were associated with it, like repetitive motions, clenched fists, sweating but I couldn't figure out how bad it was because I couldn't feel it, so I couldn't feel how much time I had left. (Because I can't feel time). I ended up having to do rapid breathing in an aisle.
Also my sense of time is getting screwed up. I'm not feeling hungry, when I should (which might be combining with depression, but I have no way of knowing that.)
And I'm having memory lapses because my sense of time and place are also getting screwed with. My usual systems are failing, which I built to cope.
The dissociation clears with an intense emotion like, say a panic attack or severe, can't get out of bed depression with a side of suicide ideation, but doesn't last that long. If I consciously try to challenge it, the dissociation gets worse than before. It's gotten to the point where the dissociation is dissociating itself, but I only notice because my memory, and sense of place are screwed up. (It's like I'm sitting at my computer, and then I travel, but I can't really connect that self to the one that was sitting at the computer and if it's a repetitive action, I can't place when it happened by feel--was it this week or last week? And then when I'm at a new place, I can't connect that self to the one that was traveling or the one that was at the computer--when I'm off the dissociation, I have no problem because I can connect the changing emotions). It's getting thicker as the date approaches, which means it's combining with my anxiety, because I cognitively think the worry is irrational.
I *do* have a therapist, but the therapist is totally lost on this and I can't find guides in the DSM or in general about forms of dissociation that's not DID and how to handle it. The best they are saying I can do is hang in there... but I'm so worn out. I cognitively want to go, but my mental health is deteriorating as the date gets closer.
I'm trying the usual avenues, root yourself in the present, mindfulness, try to allow it to go on and then route yourself, do physical exercise, set alarms, and it's resisting, a whole ton. Is it because I used those techniques when I was getting abuse? It might be because the anxiety is anticipating trauma, but it's not going well. But that's 2 months from now. So I don't understand that. Ideas on how to cope and work through it?
