Relationship Proper Affection

[Mouseshadow]

I am dating a wonderful woman who has PTSD and shuts down from time to time. I am a very sweet and romantic man and that is how I was able to get close to her. She has been in many abusive relationships and my personality allowed me to avoid a lot of her triggers. I have known her for months but we have only been dating for 3 weeks. She has shut down emotionally and communication is limited to a few texts a day. I knew she wasn't very affectionate when we started dating but this last week she really blossomed and said she missed me several times and blew me imaginary kisses and such. I was surprised but also excited. For a few days we had a typical relationship. Now she has withdrawn emotionally and of course I handled it as poorly as possible (ugh). I didn't know she had PTSD until we spoke on the phone yesterday (which was really hard to convince her to do). She didn't say PTSD but I knew what I was hearing when she was talking to me. She has been sexually abused her entire childhood and has no memories before 8 years old. She has been in abusive relationships her entire adult life (she's 28). I want to understand as much as I can about her triggers and behavior so that I can be the best man I can be for her.

Some of the things I have decided to do are:

1. Let her initiate communication. Which right now is messaging only.
2. Meet her energy. If she's excited I reply in kind. If she's cordial I do the same. If she emotes I emote.
3. I do not offer affection unless she offers it first. Right now that's none at all but I view that fact that she texts me at all a sign of affection considering that she probably has to really work up the courage to do so.
4. I tell her I love her and goodnight at the end of the day.

My question is: What is the right amount of affection? I got close to her by being persuasive, assertive and very affectionate but right now my gut tells me that would make things worse. I'm basically trying to back off and I'm taking a "50 first dates" approach to this relationship. I really enjoy telling her I miss her and that she's wonderful and I love her and all that mushy stuff but I feel like that might just stress her out more. Am I over thinking this? Any advice you have is greatly appreciated.

 

[nursenurse]

Whatever you do, take your time. No hurries, no rushing into anything. Read all you can here, there is also the book "The PTSD Relationship" that is recommended elsewhere in this Forum.

Just on a general relationship note, you say you have known her for a few months, and have been dating for three weeks. That is entirely way too soon to be saying the "I love you's" in any relationship. You still have no idea what the person is all about. And with PTSD, it might be a little scary so soon. Giving her space is the best thing you can do. And trust your gut. Assertive and persuasive actually wouldn't work for me, I am non PTSD. Hopefully some of the sufferers will chime in. All that mushy stuff is likely intimidating for her so early in the game. I hope she has been/is receiving counselling, otherwise you could be facing insurmountable problems with the relationship. Good luck.

 

[Justmehere]

You have listed some things you have decided to do - and you have a very sweet heart in what you are doing but I would find it very overwhelming personally. One suggestion is to ask her and come to decisions together about what the relationship will look like. Ask her what feels ok to her and how she would like you to respond. The less you assume the better. This is especially important for levels of affection Sometimes I need or want someone who is different than me in energy and etc. I think open communication helps me a lot in relationships. I know some people without PTSD would enjoy texting lots every day, and some people who don't, and it has little to do with how they feel about the relationship or having PTSD. I would also suggest reading about different attachment styles and PTSD because that can play a big role in all of this. You sound very comfortable with a high degree of closeness and intimacy and childhood trauma can sometimes make closeness feel really overwhelming and scary, and that can look like people pushing and pulling, being close and them shutting down and being more distant, even when safe. People also tend to shut down when someone is too close for what they are ready to handle. That may or may not be why she is shutting down. It doesn't mean you are bad, just that she isn't ok with being that close. Saying I love you after only months of friendship and weeks of dating is awfully fast, and I would personally feel really confused and shit down too. Maybe it is ok with her, but you got to ask her. Keep on learning and talking with her.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is she in treatment or has she been through treatment? If not, you may seriously want to reconsider this relationship.

I agree that it's too soon to be saying I love you.

 

[Mouseshadow]

Thank you so much for your responses. She is in treatment. I realize that my level of affection has been way too high up to this point. It's a miracle she's let me get this close to her. I am more afraid of not trying my best than I am of this failing. If it doesn't work out it wasn't going to work out. I have considered what it will mean for me to pursue this relationship. I will have to grow, learn, and adapt a lot and even then it may not work out. Our communication wasn't great until yesterday. Asking her what's appropriate is better than me trying to figure it out. Thank you so much for that. One thing that is key in my decision to be with her is that she expressed to me that she wants this. We have both talked about the possibility of it not working out and I told her if she wanted to we can go back to being friends and leave it at that. I am very passionate and expressive as you can already tell. It's funny that all of you noticed immediately. This is what I've been doing to this poor woman. Can you imagine? But as you can also see, now that I am less ignorant I can see it better from her side now. I had gotten used to saying I love her but you are all right. It's not something I feel the need to say for my own purposes I was saying it to reassure her how I felt but I agree that is a bonehead approach. I have so much to learn.

 

[nursenurse]

It's not boneheaded, you make me laugh, just maybe not quite appropriate at the moment. Use the time to rethink your feelings and reign it in just a touch. Tread carefully. Trying your best doesn't need to mean all the mushy stuff, although some of us would like to hear it once in awhile :) Just at the appropriate time in appropriate doses. Keep reading on these forums, you will learn a lot, but don't be afraid to be you either. You can't swallow your own persona for someone else, just maybe temper it a bit.

 

[Justmehere]

I totally agree that you are not boneheaded. Not one bit! Your heart of compassion and acceptance of her really shines through and I find it really encouraging to know that there guys out there like you that are willing to learn! That is remarkable. I'm glad she is in treatment too. Keep working on you and keep learning... I hope it keeps getting better and better. If you stop telling her that you love her, I'd suggest that you tell her flat out that it is not because your feelings changed, but you don't want to overwhelm her and you want to go as slow as she needs. And be honest about what you need too. The best relationships I have had included the other person being real with who they were and balancing it with what I needed. It's tough but you are in the right path! She is lucky to have a guy like you who is so accepting and so willing to work on things and learn.

 

[scout86]

Communication and respect.

Everyone is different and unique. Respect that and communicate about it. Communicate YOUR side of the relationship too. Something that drive me, personally, nuts, is wondering what someone's thinking. Especially if it's someone important to me. Feel free to be yourself too. That's no doubt why she liked you to begin with. And, if she doesn't like you for who you ARE, it's not going to work anyway.

You sound like you have a great attitude! I wish you both the best.

 

[Mouseshadow]

THANKS!