Pseudo Guilt

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

This is going to be awkward.

My amazing dog has cancer and some other bad health problems. He is old. He is a Labrador Retriever and been my pal for over a decade. I don’t know when he will pass away but I fear it will be soon. I’m devastated. Depressed, sad.

When my awful grandmother died (I hadn’t even spoken to her in years,) I think my eyes got slightly misty and I felt slightly sad for maybe one hour.

My NPD biological father allegedly has dementia. I couldn’t care any less. In fact, and this will seem horrible, but I’m glad. He’s a piece of shit and now my POS mother is too busy dealing with his crisis than to continue to wage war against my estrangement of them.

I’ve been ruminating that when my POS mother’s time comes, will I be less devastated than my dog’s apparent time coming? I think I will be way more upset over my dog. My dog is good, gentle, a family dog. I’ve been giving him extra treats lately.

I’ve been mentally grieving for the parents I should have had and mentally burying the scum. It’s helping. I rarely think about them anymore. All this awful shit with my dog is stirring shit up, though.

Just needing to type this out. Few would understand. Maybe someone here has been through this stuff, already.

 

[Friday]

Few would understand

It’s an incredibly common thing, amongst vets.

PEOPLE? You expect to die, and guard against. People you love die, and you hope it’s quick, not drawn out, screaming. The BEST people die, whilst the idiots and assholes survive. People, are fragile. They die. And die. And die. To even begin to care about them? Begins the process of knowing they will die. Hopefully well. To a purpose. Not badly. Not stupidly. And caring? Becomes hard. So hard. Because love? Means loss. And pain. Always. What SNEAKS through the defenses? Is when PETS die. Not even your own (although your own is SHATTERING, for myriad reasons, not just the love in play but the responsibility). And. Then. All. The. Ghosts. FLOOD through. You cannot even grieve your BEST FRIEND, your only friend, because of all the ghosts.

Meanwhile? There’s a scale.

ASSHOLE, IDIOTS, ABUSERS, f*ckTARDS? Pfft. Why. Should. I. Give. A. Shit?!? Either I don’t care at all they died, or I’m relieved by their deaths, or can even dance on their damn graves. Finally. FFS.

But when someone beloved dies??? It. Does. Not. Matter. What. Their. Species. THEY? Were beloved. THEY were true. THEY were what’s right in the world. And now? They’re gone. Or going. And there is no possible scale for it.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

My dog died over the summer and I cried and cried. Thinking about it still makes me cry even though he was so old and so so sick that the decision to let him rest was the most caring one I could have made. I understand; I’m crying now just thinking about it.

And I’m just like you in regards to the passing of abusive family members. There was one family member that passed decades ago that I loved so so so much and still grieve. But others, no.

There is no reason to feel guilt. Kiss your dog’s head. Give him extra treats. Make him feel loved because he is.

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

Yeah, totally giving him extra affection and he’s getting more walks and more treats. He’s kind of okay, for now, but he has to have surgery and I’m terrified he won’t make it off of the table.

I lost my Grandfather years ago and still bothers me sometimes. He was old as hell but he still seemed too young to die, to me. He was and is my literal hero.

 

[Movingforward10]

When my cat died, the loss of her daily, constant presence in my life was immense. I felt I lost my anchor to the world. My grounding I sobbed and grieved. And I don't really sob. I can count the times really. And this was one of them.

When my Dad died, I also briefly sobbed and felt, and feel at times, immense sadness. Immense. But the losing an anchor to the world? No. The loss of a presence in my life? No. The sadness was more about him in terms of his decisions in life and the impact that had on him and me. And it is sad he is dead because he didn't want to die and wasn't prepared for it really. And that makes me sad too. That he couldn face the hard stuff.


Like you I had been grieving g the loss of my parents whilst they were alive. My mum still is. And I am not sure how I will feel when she dies. Part of me thinks there might be relief mixed into the complex grief.


So how you feel isn't uncommon?

 

[arfie]

I’ve been mentally grieving for the parents I should have had and mentally burying the scum. It’s helping. I rarely think about them anymore.

i could have used these very words to describe my emotional bond with my birth family when my bio-dad died in 2005, i was in spiritual counseling with a counselor at a local church. we had been working together for long enough to have established a deep trust. when i told her the news, she insisted i attend the grief support group there at the church. it is the only time in the years we worked together that she insisted on anything. she was a great believer that we each needed to find our own paths, on our own. her premise for insisting was, "when a loved one dies, it is the loss of a physical presence. the love lives on. when an abuser dies, all hope of reconciliation dies with them. there is no greater loss than the loss of hope."

i was skeptical, but i trusted her enough to respect her opinions. it took me a while to come around and begin attending the grief support group and i am glad i did. it helped me to process and resolve my family grief across the board. 100% of the other members of the group were grieving loved ones and they thanked me for attending. my family grief allowed them to grieve multidimensional humans, flaws and all, rather than sanctified statues on pedestals.

just sharing strictly personal experience. every healing journey is unique.
steadying support while you find your own way through.
condolences on the failing health of your beloved pet. that strikes my psycho senses as an all-natural trigger for the rest of the mess.