Ptsd Absolutely Heartbroken That I Couldn't Break Cycle And Had To Walk Away.

[saimmom]

I am 31 and only come to realise that I have PTSD. I met a wonderful man 7 months ago and pretty much every week I have pushed him away. The anxiety and panic the relationship created in me was just so overwhelming. Only for the fact that he continued to stay by my side, breakup after breakup, often based on complete distortion of reality at me (at times I genuinely felt like he might be pure evil, thinking everything he said was to manipulate me, that he was a Wolf in sheep's clothing) but because he stook with me I eventually could see my dysfunctional pattern. I pushed him away again last week and have decided I have to stay away as I can't keep hurting him. I never realised until recently the toll it was taking on him. Also we could never plan anything as I was so unpredictable. Literally like the switch of a light the fear and panic would set in and I'd get the urge to run. I loved him deeply.

Can someone reassure me that whilst it's probably been horrendous for him, that the fact that I was always open and honest with him and I did acknowledge my behaviour and I started therapy in a bid to change, will mean he may not go on to hate me? Also I did something which I feel awful about. I made a nasty comment about his best friend. He compared her and her boyfriends relationship and always said if he wanted a relationship he would like it to be like theirs. I felt threatened as his friend is different to me, she is an extrovert, out there party girl. I felt threatened and said some judgmental things about the fact that she uses drugs and that her and I would never be friends (he encouraged a friendship between me and her, even though I explained I have social anxiety, and I would always try but I barely manage my few friends I have and she is so different to me) I feel he sees me as closed minded but that is my insecurity.

What's hardest is on the outside I am normal. I appear confident and am happy and bubbly. The only time I get triggered is romantic relationships. Feel so sad to have pushed away someone who I could see myself spending the rest of my life With.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi and welcome!

I encourage you to seek out a professional opinion as to whether or not you have PTSD. Your relationship struggles very much sound like they could be the result of trauma. However, PTSD doesn't only show up in the space of a relationship (even if the PTSD is due to past relationship issues). I think if you only experience symptoms while in a relationship, it's not PTSD as PTSD doesn't discriminate in that sense.

 

[WaveRunner]

Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been on / off. He is the sufferer and I am the supporter. Please consider this: Your ex-boyfriend might need something you have in your heart that outweighs the stress of PTSD. Everyone has something. Unless you don't love him, don't shut him out. If he can't handle it, it's up to HIM to communicate that with you. Just my thought.

 

[Tinyflame]

Does he want you to leave @saimmom ? What does he say?

Welcome to you btw. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

It's hard to let someone near or in with self-loathing, even harder when feeling it will bleed onto them (or cause them harm.) I think it's even harder when you're able to hide sadness etc. Maybe because then it seems they won't realize how bad it is. And I guess, in a way, it is so bad it can't even be allowed to leak out (publically), but it can't be hidden indefinitely privately even with best efforts. Oh, except with dating someone abusive/ not very nice.

:hug:

 

[saimmom]

Thank you all very much for your replies. I really appreciate it. Eve Harrington (sorry I don't know how to tag names) that's what I am hoping to do, get an official diagnosis. I have spoken with my doctor too. To explain, it only becomes unmanageable in a romantic relationship. Outside of a romantic relationship, I would say I live with a constant manageable level of anxiety. But rarely triggered, at least not to the extent where I'm incapacitated for a day. I would say it's only in the last year or so I've gained any insight into myself and have been able to look back and recognise patterns and symptoms. Also I never had the terminology. For instance. When I look back at my early 20's I isolated myself and thought I was just weird or odd. I Wadon't scared of people seeing me and I was a big hole of shame and guilt. I didn't have the term anxiety or any mental health awareness. I was abused at 10/11. Only looking now at this. My last relationship which ended 3 years ago was horrendously abusive. That damaged me alot. My mother died when I was 17. Without getting into any more detail it's been pretty much one trauma after another. I can just about handle day to day life, be happy, reassurE myself I'm not the worst person in the world. But then in this romance my anxiety and panic and fear became too much. I had no control (I felt) over my thoughts.

Thanks junebug. I think he is much better off apart. I believe it is too hard for him and this time I believe he is happy to leave it. As in, realises it's not going to change. He was isolating from his friends and family because he didn't want to talk about what was going on with us. He found it really hard. I love him. But its almost like I can talk myself out of it which is the process now. Telling myself it wasn't right. And maybe it wasn't.