Relationship Ptsd And Affair

[crickett]

I am married to a ptsd sufferer who graves a high to escape. We have been through many adictions but the most recent is sexual high and he has had several affairs. I long to heal and move forward but am now at the point where im not sure I will ever be enough for him. He has always lied to me about many things and so I have never really trusted him. I would love for him to lead our family but am afraid he will never stop lying to me. He feels there is no therapist that can help him and will not seek help for his pain. He would never harm me he is not violent, I just cannot live without truth. I struggle with the desire to save a marriage and protect and find myself. Lost.

 

[jd9900]

As hard as this may be, I suggest you copy the entire thing you just wrote, and send it to him. A relationship requires a solid foundation IMO or it is doomed to failure. I know what I am asking may seem so very hard, but you will know exactly where you stand.

 

[crickett]

I have said all of this to him at length. His latest stance is that he knows he had PTSD and does not want help.

 

[DMerish]

May I ask what causes you to have put up with such behavior?

 

[crickett]

At one time we were happy and for a brief time he seemed to be happy. I know that he loves me the best that he can anyone, and I love him more than I have anyone. I dont beleive on giving up on someone just because they have issues. I take my vows very seriously. I sickness and in health. My husband is struggling and I want to help him be happy or at least as get to a place were he can understand what he is going through and not feel worthless anymore.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

An untreated sufferer is like a sinking ship. They have NO right to take anyone down with them. He is being selfish. I understand you want to save your marriage but in the case of a partner who refuses to get help, there's nothing you can do to make everything ok. I don't in general advocate breaking up marriages but things won't get better without his effort. Why should you have to sacrifice yourself in the process?

 

[crickett]

This is all very helpful thank you.

 

[Rumors]

I have said all of this to him at length. His latest stance is that he knows he had PTSD and does not want help.

I know this is hard, but I think you have your answer. If he were constructively seeking help, I might tell you to hang in there. However, he isn't seeking help even knowing his destructive behavior is hurting you. That is incredibly selfish.

I think you simply have to make good choices for yourself and the rest of your family. You don't deserve to be cheated on, but most of all, you won't deserve the STD he might bring home to you by carrying on with risky behavior.

Hang in there! I am really sorry! I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. Please put yourself and your kids first! He needs to take care of himself. Best wishes!

 

[franciemarnie]

There have to be consequences for bad behavior especially when it is someone you love, or they have no incentive to change. He is learning that he can do anything and you will accept it because - for you - honoring your vows means allowing someone to cheat on you among other things.

I am sorry this is happening. I struggle to make consequences for someone I love who has acted in a cruel, inconsiderate, hostile way, but I do. And because I do there is a chance they will change. It is the only action I can take. It is also an act of valuing myself. But man it is hard!

 

[Echo]

@crickett, I've been in a similar situation with a man who would not seek help for his immense issues, who lied to me constantly about everything and who had a compulsive need to be unfaithful. Luckily for me there were no children involved.

Eventually I summoned the courage to leave him. He has gone on to repeat this behaviour for twenty years damaging countless other woman along the way. I have since discovered how many women were hurt by him before me.

He still rings me wanting to get back with me (and who knows how many other women get the same treatment?). He admits he needs to repeat the pattern of "good" woman at home, "naughty" woman for affair. He is addicted to this pattern and he knows it. He has no intention of seeking help.

This was the man whom I first told I had been raped ten years after the event. His response? To refuse to have sex with me and to enter into at least two affairs simultaneously whilst clinging to me and trying to stop me leaving.

This all did immense damage to me and I resuppressed my rape and again did not seek help. It was a major contribution to me getting PTSD.

I continue to love this man years later - there are other good things about him - but I am not in love with him. He is toxic to me so I always refuse to see him.

Please don't let your children see you being treated in this way. Since you are a far better role model for them, please think about what you are teaching them about self-esteem.

You cannot change this man and you cannot rescue a marriage on your own. I wish you all the courage in the world.

 

[nursenurse]

Liar and a cheater. What part of this spells love and respect and a foundation for a marriage or even a friendship? I don't understand why you would torture yourself thusly. Get a grip and move on, no ifs ands or buts. He's proven himself to be exactly what no one should want in a man. Let him redeem himself with someone else. I am sure he has plenty of others to lie to and cheat on. Keep your self worth and your dignity. This isn't PTSD, this is about a man who actually values himself and his desires over you, period, and has the scruples of an earthworm.

Your denial and complacency in the situation is not helping anyone, especially you. Emotional violence can be worse than physical. He is harming you in ways that may take years to recover from. Why do you deserve that? Some counselling for yourself may be in order.

 

[MSMiller]

WoW you are in denial...he is on a sinking ship taking you down with him. Perhaps you should read your post and think to yourself what you would say to your closest loved one if they were in this same situation!

You take your vows serious but he does not and you both can admit to that. You legally and spiritually have grounds to walk away from him. Please do not say it is love rather it is you holding on and being afraid of failure. A divorce is not failure when your partner has abandoned you emotionally, physically and says they are unwilling to work towards progress. He has you thinking he can't change when in fact it is him who has NO desire to make a change for you or himself. At this time he isn't physically harming you, to your knowledge but you are wide open for disease. He is also scarring you and leading you down an unhealthy path with his piss poor judgement and reckless behavior.

You are worth more! Seek help to gain your strength. Find your inner voice then start listening to what it is telling you.