PTSD and Creativity

[cragger65]

Good point Freya. I imagine someone having experienced PTSD would be capable of conjuring convincing imagery that others couldn't begin to dream of. Maybe PTSD is a pre-requisite for writing to some degree?

 

[fin]

I am soo fed up with "I used to...." I used to do this I used to do that

I was extremely creative I used to paint, write and play music I was classically trained on a couple of instruments- one was my major. And the idea was when I went on I would play professionally. Actually this was no idea it was the plan.

up until a couple of years ago I painted and was able to scratch something out of it.

The thing is now and I don't know if it is because I was left quite badly fb, I switched off soo much more. And have not painted for the longest time.

This week I did attempt to re-start again after a pointless attempt last year. And I dont know if it is because its been a while but I dont feel the same about it. - I dont "understand" it like I used to!! I dont think that makes sence but I hope you know what I mean.

I have written here that while Writing...words just fall out of my head...they dont have to be complicated but my thought process is not as it was. Like right now I know I am sooo not explaining this as I would like or in a way that explains whats happened/happening.

Maybe connection...I was very empathetic also at the cost to myself (perhaps also some of that was desperately trying to help and thinking that the better I could be ( this sounds like I am building myself up as "all -that" and Im really not trying to do that )....the thing is now its not so easy to connect when you dont see anybody anymore and maybe that is why I am having trouble thinking -flow
And maybe that is where it all stopped

But I know I did believe in creativity...art so important.
The last thing I tried to do like this was last year I ran a poetry thing (see what I mean "thing"!!). The idea behind it was to amongst other things raise awareness and positive profile for mental health...it was the first one here- a week of trying to de-stigmatise.
My idea was to get people looking at creativity as a possible additional doorway towards wellbeing, and an opportunity for an outlet at the frustration, pain, all that kind of stuff (brain switching off sorry). So I did it...as freaked out as I was, I did it...and now nothing since...no writing, nothing, no interest, no ideas, I feel like that was my last shot at something outside of myself. My thoughts just seem to stop and this is more than blocking-I have been blocked before while painting.

And I use to teach some art to kids that had been written off at school...so I should be able to get myself going again. I know about looking at something from all directions...just writing this and trying to focus in a way that describes what I used to tell my students...I am not able to stay focused on it.

Am trying to think that maybe it is because I need to get well - perhaps priority.

As a distraction and to cope with waiting I used to spell everything out in my head..
"a s a d i s t r a ct i o n a n d t o c o p e w i t h w a i t i n" you get the idea I thought it would be a good way to stay sharp thinking repeating spelling etc...LOL stay sharp...I thought i was being creative am not so sure now

It also affects my rambling here because when I cant think of the right word I have a tendency to start going off on a whole new tangent.
~fin

** I will be back and edit this I promise it will get shortened down...*** just difficult at the moment...

 

[anopeet]

Before the trauma I was very creative. I was very good in computer graphics drawing. But after my trauma that causes ptsd, I'm 90% preoccupied with the thoughts of the trauma, and the bullying. Now I try to forgot the thoughts, but it is very difficult.

My psy treat my preoccupation with Zoloft, but it don't helps. How can i suppress my preoccupation?

 

[SammyKline]

i think the point freya made is really important. mean, i see this ALL the time in my students. people who have experienced what i might call "the dark side" (of life...of people? of the mind? ) have something, experiences, emotions, memories of emotions, to feed off of. they also have empathy (at least in their writing!)

for myself it is amazingly easy to get into a sad and deeply introspective state of mind. last week just after an event where i was reading to an audience i became suddenly and completely sad, in a whole body sort of way. in the midst of eating with editors and writers and some others i just began sobbing, kind of silently. i was overcome, but i did not know why. someone helped me into a cab and i went home to sleep, really early, like 11pm. For me, that's VERY early.

at 6am i awoke like a bat out of hell, still a wet mop, completely quivering and flush with sadness, miserable miserable. but i was on fire creatively. i wrote and wrote and wrote for about 6 hours wo getting out of my chair.

also odd, does anyone else experience this? is the fact that I frequently feel kind of happy when i am crying. or maybe not happy, but it feels good, somehow..

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, Sammy I feel the same, re: tears. There is a relief in it.

Your description (as a writer you will know), reminds me of the poem "Joy and Sorrow" by khalil Gibran, (it reminds me of most of us here too)- "..your joy is your sorrow unmasked.."

Thank you for this excellent thread. I've enjoyed it!

 

[Irton Pike]

i am lucky in that i am a research scientist, so my creative side is accomodated for. It has been an enormous help for me. I also paint toy soldiers as i am a complete nerd. Mostly vikings.

 

[Yumeko-chan]

I have been writing stories since I was at least eight years old. In third grade my homeroom teacher would encourage us to write. Other kids wrote maybe three stories. I wrote nine.

In sixth grade I won an award for a story I wrote for my Greek mythology unit called "Atlas and His Nine Balls" (go ahead and laugh, everyone else did :wink:). That same year I also wrote a story about a girl in Miami trying to survive a hurricane.

In seventh grade I wrote a murder mystery. Sucks by my standards today, but back then I was so proud of it.

And since I was 15 (after Dad got sick but before the shooting) I have been writing fanfictions for my favorite anime, all centered around my original character Yumeko. Writing about her these past ten years has very much been an escape for me. When everything else was going wrong I could always get on the computer and write about her adventures (as long as my RL issues weren't totally killing my creative spirit, at least).

Right now I'm working on the fourth Yumeko story, which is partly about her dealing with the PTSD inflicted during events in the third story. It's been strange, especially since my own issues have flared up since the beginning of the year; it's like her and me are trying to work through the issues together. Cathartic, yet somewhat exhausting. I wonder if people are gonna want to read it, but hey, no one said PTSD was pretty. I think that's something we all know too well.

 

[2notbedefeated]

I've been wanting to respond to this thread for awhile, but just haven't had the time.

I tended to be quite creative from elementary age on. I believe for me it was my way to escape into an imaginery world of my own. Mom told me once that others commented on how well I could draw at such a young age.

I was molested from ages 5 to 7 (maybe 8) because I can't remember, but I started drawing stuff in second grade. I thought about a bachelor's degree in art education because others said I did painting and drawing well. I always enjoyed it. It was my way of keeping busy and 'hiding" from my feelings. My world felt very unsafe and I think I used this media to escape away from the pain of reality. I almost got my master's in art therapy, but I didn't like the professor very well and quit.

I, too, am musical. I picked up the flute as a senior in high school, but a couple of years later I had quckly moved from last chair to second. I used my flute playing to "soothe" away my hidden pain and depression.

I use to teach flute and play for weddings, bankquets, tea times, once, even for ballroom dancing. I also played a special every month in my church, but now I just don't have the energy or motivation. This may sound kooky to some, but I felt like I had a love affair with my flute. I could escape into this wonderful of music and play away any bad feelings. I thought it would be my life. I even travelled around for one year with a missionary music group.

It makes me sad that the "love" of my life is now no longer a love affair. Where did this desire go? When they put me on so much psychiatric medication I couldn't play at the same caliber that I was. I was even told by my director that my playing was a liablity rather than an assest to the team. I figured out which medication was effecting my embouchure and eventually came off it.

I don't know. Over the last 4 1/2 yers I have been I coming off all my psych meds (over 30 pills daily). The drug withdrawals were brutal and I think going through this process really zapped my strength and desires. It was all I could do just to make it thru the day taking care of the house, kids, myself, and hubby. I've totally been off all medications, except sleep aids, since the middle of September.

I was frequently suicidal while in undergraduate school, and used my music and painting to deal with it. At this time I had lots of night terrors, but had no "daytime recollection" of any abuse other than the threads of dysfunction I was becoming aware of in the family I grew up in.

When my Mom died 14 years ago I began to lose my creativity and dreams little by little over time. I began enjoying journaling and writing. I always had people comment on how I would express myself with writing. This area I think has taken the place of my being creative in painting and flute.

I did write a autobiography, but haven't published it. I thought nothing more of it until my therapist would comment on my writing when read bits and pieces of my journal. I think my creativity has moved into writing. I was not a good writer in school, but in graduate school I always had professors that would comment on my writing.

It really hurts to think that I had a master's degree and now all that has gone down the tubes because of this PTSD stuff. I can barely make it thru the days right now. Ugh, it really saddens and frustrates me. I feel I am grieving the loss of this part of me. Life now scares me rather than excites me.

I am taking a writing class that starts next week. So hopefully I can keep up. It kinda scares me when the prof starts talking about a syllabus and homework. Gee, I haven't had to do homework since 1995. I don't know if I going to have the mental and emotional energy to do all the assignments and stuff. I've kind of let my brain go lazy over the past few years.

Oh well, I've probably shared more that I needed too. I certainly need to learn how to be more concise and brief. I get far to wordy at times.

 

[Vorzha]

fin- "The thing is now and I don't know if it is because I was left quite badly fb, I switched off soo much more. And have not painted for the longest time.

This week I did attempt to re-start again after a pointless attempt last year. And I dont know if it is because its been a while but I dont feel the same about it. - I dont "understand" it like I used to!! I dont think that makes sence but I hope you know what I mean ."


Just offering a bit of hope here. While I was full-blown, I couldn't paint/draw for crap; the sleep deprivation took every last ounce of energy. My art supplies merely took up space in the closet, and I figured that I'd never paint or create again. After all, I wasn't even sure I'd be alive.

Some time has passed, and I'm in a new, safer place, and I'm finding the energy to start painting again. I have the same problem that you do, "I don't understand it like I used to." It took me a while to realise that the understanding is still there, but there is so much fear (of failure?) that overshadows it and hampers my efforts. (There is so much more to be said about how learned fears affect creative instincts, but I haven't been able to think it through yet.) My only answer to that so far has been to keep trying in hopes that like anything else, facing the fear reduces it. :)

I hope you find your painter's hands and eyes again, unhampered.

 

[fin]

Vorzha I am just soo inspired that you have found painting again.
And it is so good to see that someone else understands what I am talking about with this.
Thankyou Vorzha
You have helped me realize Im not crazy on top of the other stuff.

I have tried to explain it to some who look at me with this look ...that look that says "oOOOh yes?" (eyebrows raised, sceptical, like I am talking crap oh and a slacker making up excuses) Actually its not just a look thats what they say also.

And thinking about it now I never found that painting (that wasnt done to order) was able to be "pushed" out of me before so (and this is the bit that I have trouble just being "kind" to myself about) Why would it be now?

when my thought process without all the crap is tough-something that used to be so instinctive is now battling with all these thoughts

although I always found painting easier to do than anything else...maybe that was why the creative bit of me was the last to disappear from who I was

"but there is so much fear (of failure?) that overshadows it and hampers my efforts. (There is so much more to be said about how learned fears affect creative instincts"

I think you are soo right.

And I think maybe it is the base fear and having just to totally cope with survival at that completely basic level that completely over-rides anything else.
Survival Instinct at the most basic level?

Maybe the psyche or mind or any extraneous thought process's* have to totally shut down to be able to protect mental well-being and the psyche, so as to be able to process and to protect our core identity...in trying to process what has happened to us. And to try to be able to understand it in relation to what has happened to us and how we can then resolve it within and go on.

Its the resolution bit...we need to be able to resolve to be able to move on...hence treating the trauma!!!... I dont know if I sound nuts right now...but in some way I think I am making sense to myself...hope it doesnt sound too far off the wall

Perhaps the psychological "worry" (understatement i know) of keeping the physical safe over-rides everything else. Because without the physical we dont have to worry about the psychological. I think it is the hierachy of needs...Maslow? am not sure (memory not what it was)...but at such a basic level...such a totally basic level, that totally supercedes all else.
Things such as creativity etc...which while we may or have seen them as also a means to help cope...perhaps if we see that what has happened has just totally over-riden even that as a coping strategy. Maybe thats why creativity changes or pauses.


*which art or rather creativity is in relation to very primitive survival. Its the thing that comes to bring peace to the soul after the existing bit...its the thing that soothes us as humanity.

I sound like I'm "off and away" now...this isnt meant to sound so intense I just went on thinking from what you had said, the quote above about fear.

"fear (of failure?) that overshadows it and hampers my efforts."

LOL am still going

I completely understand what you mean about failing here and I think this is mixed up in the above and that...
"learned fears affect creative instincts"

I dont know about learned fears I think it is maybe just fear that is never allowed sub-consciously (internally) to switch off. We have perhaps to learn consciously to switch off the thing that has become an automatic response and so...we become internally afraid to relax at all or to think about things that dont affect our immediate survival...or resolution of trauma. Because everytime we have done ...it erupts again... so it is total safety first...and then the mind can start to relax and re-process.

Ok I am freaking myself out now...

Just wanted to say YaY!!! VORZHA!!

 

[Mercy]

Great thread-amazing to read the differences in peoples' experiences.

I have been creative at something almost all my life. I didn't remember any of my extensive trauma until I was 40. Supposedly, that fits right in with the expected pattern for people with PTSD. That is when many of the perps are gone.

I started carving stone in boarding school and always took as many art courses as were offered. My senior year, I used to go up 4 flights of stairs, walk around the studio only to discover I was supposed to be in the science labs 5 flights down. It was like there was a magnet up there. I spent all my free time there too. From a young age I used to make dolls out of any thing. They helped me keep time. Now I know they reassured me that I had not been hurt that day, all my time had been accounted for.

I have painted portraits mainly to answer the question, 'why paint a portrait if you can take a photograph.' Well, I found out that a photo is an expression of one second. A good portrait encompasses all the most memorable expressions of the person at the same time. I worked along with many others in a stained glass reproduction company that made replicas for the Metropolitan Museum's holdings at the Cloisters in New York and other smaller items. It was a sweat shop really, oh well.

I worked in a government sponsored sculpture studio where you needed pretty good commendations and a professional record to be invited to work there. I did clay sculptures that were later cast in bronze.

I started art therapy classes when i became aware that something was wrong. I didn't trust talk therapy then but I did trust what came out of me to be authentic. When I started therapy piece by piece, all my creative thoughts and abilities shut down one by one. That lasted maybe 8 to 10 years, while I dealt with the pain and horror of what had been my life. I quilted a little then, making a quilt out of my, then, teenage daughter's baby clothes (phew what a mouth!). I used it to calm myself and stay with the memories of her at a kinder age.

I had always had two or three marble carvings around at various stages of development. This year, I was able to go back to a little carving- a start.

I am mainly an iconographer in the Christian Orthodox tradition. I had always carved mothers and babies, always. I guess I was trying to mother myself. When I saw my first glimpse of an icon on the Virgin Mary holding Christ, it felt like I had found what I had been seeking all my life. I set about learning everything I could about the history, theology, and practice of painting(writing) icons attending two Orthodox Seminaries along the way.

This latest time through therapy kicked off by Abu Graib, all my creativity disappeared, swallowed up by depression and lack of concentration.....After five years of suicidal depression, I am very happy to say that I am back in my painting studio able to work in egg tempra again with the concentration and the assessment skills needed to do professional quality work. Thank God.

I know this sounds like a lot but I am 58 and that's a lot of years....

 

[A-RON]

Wow, Mercy... You paint in egg tempera??? I thought I was the only person in the entire world that does egg tempera. Do you have any kind of special emulsion that you use? (I know some interesting tricks if you're interested).

Also, that's awesome that you write icons. I've always wanted to learn that. One of my big unfinished paintings (which I've started over on many times) is a painting of the Last Supper, but there are only eleven disciples, and Jesus is facing the canvas and offering the viewer a piece of bread.

Gosh golly, I sure like this thread.

Aaron