PTSD And Divorce

[notjustfriends]

Hi. I've been a member for quite a while. Long story short, I was drugged and raped by someone high up in my company. My husband supported me, and we just ended a year long lawsuit against the offender.

I was going out of town to see family that I had not seen in a long time, and was planning on spending around a month there. I have been getting progressively better and my husband was always supportive. As most PTSD survivors know, it can be difficult to sustain good relationships. Therefore, my husband and my relationship was strained. I did try to tell him everything.

Now I am across the United States, and after a week of being here (if you have the opportunity to go to a new place that feels safe for you, it has been wonderfully beneficial for me), I got an email from my husband that he wants to separate and it does not look like things will get better.

I've looked through the forums, and often it is the person with PTSD who leaves. Now, dealing with PTSD AND NOW discovering who I thought was my true and very close friend/spouse/soulmate does not want me anymore, well, the pain is awful. He has questioned me again on things that I thought had long been resolved... he asks me "Why didn't you go home that night" (of the rape), which really was the basis for our entire lawsuit.

I know I have been distant off and on, but to find out via email that our 10 year relationship is over... well that is just something else to swallow on top of the PTSD. I took the CAPS test (the gold standard for PTSD) and scored in the very high range, not the highest, but the second highest.

I am trying to be healthy.. I am eating well, going to the gym (well not in the past few days, but I am going tomorrow!!!). Also, our mutual friends seem to have also deserted me. I was withdrawn for a long time but when I did speak with them I let them know how much I cared.

I just never, ever thought this would happen to me. I was SO proud of my husband for sticking by me, and he really helped a lot with a good portion of my recovery. Now he will not even speak to me. He even told my own mother before I left to come visit and did not tell me in person.

Just wondering if other PTSD sufferers have experienced anything like this. It just seems to surreal, and I am angry and the hurt goes beyond a shattered heart, down into my toes and up into my head... I can't sleep or think clearly.

Help. Any response would be appreciated.

 

[fin]

I would like to be able to say something to you that could possibly help but I am afraid I have nothing, that could even hope to ease the pain that you are feeling.

Except to say that looking back over your other posts I think you have done so incredibly well.

That you have really come soo far....you have travelled and you are getting out. Despite what has happened you are going to the gym,you were an agoraphobic...it is totally fantastic what you have achieved. Your eating, looking after yourself...

You didn't give up and You haven't given up ,Don't give up now.

You have come so incredibly far and that is a testament to you. Your strength and determination. Be proud of yourself please.

Your husband not speaking to you at the moment may well be because he is uncomfortable with what is happening, he is trying to distance himself from any feelings he may be having about what he is doing. It is his coping mechanism.

I just want you to remember what you have been fighting for...yourself, to get your life back...
......it is changing, challenging and it is painfull....I am so sorry about what is happening.

I am going to quote to you something you wrote in 2008 in response to someone elses thread and it reads:

"The "living in the moment" comment really strikes me. I feel better when practicing yoga, running, walking the dog (something about dogs and they are just so happy to WALK and sniff and live the moment). Those little things bring me joy.

The hard times are when I face the fear head on. I personally think one has to go through the hard times to adjust to PTSD."


You really have come so far.....you are so very strong, much stronger than I think you believe.
This pain while it is painful and consuming will pass. Remember all the things that you have learnt in therapy...practise the distraction techniques...continue to look after your self...because you are a wonderful beautiful person, and it is terribly important that you remember....

"One day at a time. :)" 07-03-2008

We are here for you
~fin

 

[patrick]

Of all the experiences in my life, nothing was ever as painful as being rejected by my wife of twelve years. I didn't know I had PTSD at the time, but it was one of the events that led to my finally recognizing that I needed help. I honestly didn't care whether I lived or died, and the pain went on for a long time. I am now getting to a point where I can appreciate how hard I was to live with, and how the end of my marriage really was the best thing for both of us, but it has been a long road. The only advice I have for you is to gather what ever support you can find, and concentrate on yourself. As soon as the pain subsides to a point where you can think, start doing everything you can to make your life as good as it can be for just you. I made the mistake of trying to win my wife back for the first year, and it wasn't until I recognized that it would never happen that I finally began to heal a little and recognize that I could go on without her.

I feel your pain, and wish you the very best. I know it's hard to believe right now, but life can and will get better if you want it to.

Pat

 

[TLight]

notjustfriends...........
My heart goes out to you. The pain must be awful.
I guess all I can say is that your husband will be missing out on a beautiful and incredably strong new woman who has rebuilt her life after something that most people would never have survived. It is not fair you have to survive this too...........not fair. He is missing out on an incredable person.........please remember that...........Please rely on your support system now and this forum.

Please,above all, take care of you..........that special, wonderful, incredably strong you who deserves everything in this world and more...........

Please know my heart is with you. I'm sending you positive energy throughout my day and please take care of you.

 

[notjustfriends]

Thank You

Thank you to those that responded. Yes, it is very painful and awful, but I really appreciate those who pointed out how far I have come. :smile:

It is strange, now dealing with the possibility of divorce on top of the PTSD. I have only been thinking of my husband and how much I love him.

You are right, and I am stronger!!! I have a long way to go, but I am trying.

Again, thank you so much for your responses. I cried when I read all of them. The tiniest bit of support goes such a long way.

Tlight, Patrick, and fin, thank you for such kind words. :crazy:

 

[fin]

Thankyou notjust,
for your PM...am terrible at messaging, but getting better slowly.... and you are welcome,I'm glad it helped.

I really wrote what I saw and believe, and I did it from reading your posts, the difference from last year...not just in what you are saying you do, but also in how you are saying it.

Good to see you're staying positive...you are stronger

...until I came here I knew no-one with pTSD there was no-one to talk with that understood what I was going through...I get where you're coming from is what Im trying to say ...many of us do. We all have our off days, and trying to support each other as best we can comes with the forum I think....because we do understand what it's like i guess. And I do kind of understand what you are going through with your husband to some extent...
I'm not unusual I have had good support here myself....passing it on is the best way I know of thanking others. And I really do write what I see.


....have been looking to see if you have been back to the forum.


~fin
oh and I wrote on you wall- I couldnt believe I was the first to- hope thats ok

 

[midi]

I was the one that left my ex, and I spent 3 1/2 years believing we'd get back together! If you love someone, you let them go. Take it one day at a time. Don't let anyone else try to tell you how you feel or when it's time to be over everything. We all heal at our own rate. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[fin]

hey notjust....I saw you were on

was wondering how you are doing at the moment...

 

[notjustfriends]

I was the one that left my ex, and I spent 3 1/2 years believing we'd get back together! If you love someone, you let them go. Take it one day at a time. Don't let anyone else try to tell you how you feel or when it's time to be over everything. We all heal at our own rate. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you Midi and fin.........
This reminds me of the old Police song "Free free, let them free.... If you love somebody, let them free" (or something like that).

One day at a time.
One step at a time.
One issue at a time.
One loss at a time.
One smile at a time.....

NJ

 

[fin]

awww am going to post here from my PM to you brb

I am sorry to hear about the animals....it is tough. I have a cat and dog also....collies are just the best at getting us out....very intelligent dogs also.

Have you got support a doc or anyone you can talk with where you are at the moment?
Some interim support.

yeah about the drink...I wasnt trying to give you grief...its just reading last year....you have done so well and you will do again...the bottle isnt going to make anything feel any better long term-I do understand.

It must have been awful to have that converation with your husband sounding so uncaring....it may also be how he is able to cope at the moment....maybe long term in some way you will be able to one day be friends...you have been through so much together.

Have you thought of starting a diary here....it might not necessarily need to be about your trauma in particular....(unless you want to) As I saw you advise someone else...that is something you have control over. Although I know you are strong...having read last years posts...I know you are strong...and have a lot in your life that you are have become able to process well.

...just perhaps a daily one....and then I am sure you would find others relating and encouraging you...and i really think that its what you need at the moment- some encouragement.

You can do this Im not sure -if I go back to look at the other PM you sent me i will loose this one... LOL I am getting better at PMing now.. When it starts getting a little heavy and I cant do the whole thing emotional exhaustion etc... I sometimes go to the lighter stuff, as it helps me to still feel connected in some way....poetry or jokes or...you get the idea....oh and weather....the British love to talk about the weather - yeah not so much!! LOL

~fin

 

[fin]

oh about the diary maybe non specific....in some way!!...yeah am not sure how that would help...but maybe something that you would be encouraged by...something that you could see that you are progressing through at this moment in time.
And then people here could also offer you some support and encouragement
you know you can PM me anyway....no matter what...so....
Just think even if getting some emotions out into some kind of form...it has to help

*hugs
~fin