Hi all! I wanted to tell my basic story and see if any of you had any advice or success stories to share. Or just someone to commiserate with.
My boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship (over 500 miles!) for some time. He did not want to commit or move. After some soul searching, I decided I could not continue as we were. I loved him and would continue to be his friend and supporter, but not in a relationship. We were apart for five months, stayed friends and I still supported him. I moved on, started dating other guys. Surprise of my life! After that time, he came to see me and very shortly after, moved in with me. I quickly found that it was a big difference when we did not have two weeks apart and 500 miles between us.
He has combat related PTSD and the issues that surround it. He is not abusive to me in any way, no physical or mental abuse. However, he does have the anger, does break things and say the most horrible things about himself or others. I have seen the improvement in him over time, but now that we live together, I can never get away from it and I find myself walking on eggshells a lot.
I learned some over time and I know sometimes when he goes off, I need to just be quiet and let him vent it all out. Other times, I know I have to take charge (when the panic attacks hit, which are relatively new). These don't always work and sometimes I end up making him more angry. It seems that if I don't say anything I am a "doormat" and if I do I am just fueling the fire.
When I talk to him, a lot of the times he doesn't hear me. It's sometimes the hearing issues, sometimes it's the thousand yard stare we are all accustomed to.
It seems he is the only one allowed to have any emotion. If I am upset about something, he is automatically more upset, and at me for being so. I'm told to calm down. He HATES it when I cry, which is something I do when I am overwhelmed or angry, so this happens a lot. If I walk away from the situation for a ten minute cool down so that I can converse with him without crying, I am "doing what I am best at... walking away from problems."
He says we need to learn to communicate more, but what he really seems to expect is for me to communicate calmly at all times, but I should be a mind reader when it comes to him and his feelings. He did finally tell me the other day that he thinks HE is the one with the communication problem, not me. (PROGRESS!!)
I love him more than anything and I know that the things he says sometimes aren't him, it's the PTSD talking. I grew up with a Vietnam vet and a mother who never learned how to deal with these things, so I have no other examples. I can't talk to my friends, since they don't understand and just label him as a jerk.
Any advice or methods you guys have tried that worked?
My boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship (over 500 miles!) for some time. He did not want to commit or move. After some soul searching, I decided I could not continue as we were. I loved him and would continue to be his friend and supporter, but not in a relationship. We were apart for five months, stayed friends and I still supported him. I moved on, started dating other guys. Surprise of my life! After that time, he came to see me and very shortly after, moved in with me. I quickly found that it was a big difference when we did not have two weeks apart and 500 miles between us.
He has combat related PTSD and the issues that surround it. He is not abusive to me in any way, no physical or mental abuse. However, he does have the anger, does break things and say the most horrible things about himself or others. I have seen the improvement in him over time, but now that we live together, I can never get away from it and I find myself walking on eggshells a lot.
I learned some over time and I know sometimes when he goes off, I need to just be quiet and let him vent it all out. Other times, I know I have to take charge (when the panic attacks hit, which are relatively new). These don't always work and sometimes I end up making him more angry. It seems that if I don't say anything I am a "doormat" and if I do I am just fueling the fire.
When I talk to him, a lot of the times he doesn't hear me. It's sometimes the hearing issues, sometimes it's the thousand yard stare we are all accustomed to.
It seems he is the only one allowed to have any emotion. If I am upset about something, he is automatically more upset, and at me for being so. I'm told to calm down. He HATES it when I cry, which is something I do when I am overwhelmed or angry, so this happens a lot. If I walk away from the situation for a ten minute cool down so that I can converse with him without crying, I am "doing what I am best at... walking away from problems."
He says we need to learn to communicate more, but what he really seems to expect is for me to communicate calmly at all times, but I should be a mind reader when it comes to him and his feelings. He did finally tell me the other day that he thinks HE is the one with the communication problem, not me. (PROGRESS!!)
I love him more than anything and I know that the things he says sometimes aren't him, it's the PTSD talking. I grew up with a Vietnam vet and a mother who never learned how to deal with these things, so I have no other examples. I can't talk to my friends, since they don't understand and just label him as a jerk.
Any advice or methods you guys have tried that worked?
