I have been married to my wife for around 6 yrs. about 2 yrs into the marriage I found out about her infidelity. Then it happened 2 more times. Not all were sexually mainly her talking on a romantic type with the men. When she was 21 she was raped. The infidelity happened when she was 30. She had never been to counseling up until that point. So when I found out about the 3 rd one I told her I wanted a divorce and she immediately went to counseling. She did that for about 2-3 yrs which completely saved her. My question is what sparks someone with PTSD to do that. She claims mentality that she is in a totally different place than she has ever been and that it would never happen again. Is that normal for a rape victim to do that? She is a rape survivor now. And our marriage is great. Just always In the back of my mind that it could happen again. Is this normal?
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Ptsd And Marriage
- Post starter Jwrth72
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Thats a tough one , i truly hope you yourself are getting support through this, what is normal , trauma / rape / abuse etc affects everyone differently, i give you both kudos for having both the love and determination to work on this. I would suggest you talk to someone professional , you have done too much work to risk any misinformation or confusion. The professional will help not only with your concerns but further strengthen your bonds and help you to continue on the path that is obviously working for both of you
WildMermaid
Platinum Member
It sounds like you two have worked things out quite well for your shared relationship. If you have doubts or concerns though how about a couple's therapy session? Or a weekend communication workshop or something.
I think the posters about said it well, but I would like to make a clarification. You ask
Due to the wording of your questions I want to say that Infidelity is not a symptom of PTSD Having PTSD doesn't mean they will cheat, although some people with PTSD may cheat. Being a rape victim does not mean you will cheat. Some will some won't. Was PTSD or rape the main factor? No one here can say.
you also asked
Due to the wording of your questions I want to say that Infidelity is not a symptom of PTSD Having PTSD doesn't mean they will cheat, although some people with PTSD may cheat. Being a rape victim does not mean you will cheat. Some will some won't. Was PTSD or rape the main factor? No one here can say.
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- #5
She has PTSD due to the rape. Once she started going to counseling her whole attitude changed. (Some for the worse mostly for the better) She went years covering up her feelings by smoking weed. Then when she stopped that she wouldn't talk about anything that happened and acted like everything was ok when it wasn't. Once she went to get help was the first time she had faced the fact that she had been raped. And hasn't done anything since as far as cheating
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Everything she did is totally normal. Why are you still feeling insecure about it? Go speak with a therapist quietly to address your own issue. Your wife had a normal trauma response, and addressed it and has moved forward. Now it's your turn to fully let go and move forward, and since you are having trouble, and therapist should be able to help you.
Friday
Sponsor
Most basically... Neither does either.
You're missing some interim steps. Which is what I suspect is what you're actually interested in. It's kind of like saying "What about being American makes people obnoxious?" Or fat. Or smile all the time. Or whatever. It doesn't mean (some) Americans aren't obnoxious. It also doesn't mean that there aren't contributing factors to those issues. Or what about being Australian makes people drink beer? It's just that it's not a direct / causal relationship.
First off, nuts & bolts: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/.
"Simple, to the point, no bullshit breakdown of PTSD for both the sufferer and supporter."
So what are some of the interim steps that can add up to infidelity? (Or violence. Or drug use. Or any of the other paths that some people with PTSD tend to walk down, but hardly most, much less all, because they're not direct symptoms.) These are big issues with lots of moving parts. What follows are just a handful on each to get an idea:
- PTSD aside... Rape victims tend to split into 1:2 camps: Cut off from sex, or very promiscuous. (Again, tend. Many don't split into either camp, but those are the two big 180 degree different trends.) For those that slip into promiscuity, there tends to be several more camps, and not everyone falls into them (notice the ongoing theme? ;) ) Reclaiming sex, control, power, revaluing sex (up or down; people often fall into the trap of thinking people devalue sex, but it's as often the other way around), erasing bad memories with good ones, faith in humanity (up or down, again), retraumatization, punishment, fear/proving yourself, the list goes on. If your wife fits into any of these categories, or others, would be things to work out with her. Or not. It often takes quite a bit of therapy to figure out all the little facets that go into why someone is doing something, and why is often secondary to ceasing & desisting. Sometimes why is helpful, sometimes it's not.
- Another common trend of rape victims is pristine vs dirty (my own words, I wouldn't use them with someone else unless you're prepared for some massive rage. The whole "I can call myself XYZ, but no one else had better"... Especially because -again- this is only a trend. Not everyone does this.). Meaning they do not want (to the point of it feelin like a need, instead of a want) to bring in all the "dirty" into something they view as healthy/ pristine/ special. It's a form of compartmentalization. They want to keep the good parts of their lives from being "contaminated" with the bad parts of their lives. Often leads to a lot of pain, because the disconnect is the common denominator: Yourself. You live in both worlds, so both worlds are affected by what you do in the other. Lotta denial in this one, usually. To the point of "I would rather divorce you, and keep you clean/special/safe in my mind, than infect you with all the dark that lives in this other portion of my life". Neither compartmentalization, nor that particular argument, is something unique to rape victims. Cops spouses & military spouses are on the receiving end of this one a whole helluva lot. The bone deep need to keep 2 worlds separate. It works until it doesn't. And then it usually fails in a pretty spectacular way. When worlds collide? In a relationship divorce or a breakup is more common than moving past it. For too many possible reasons to list.
The above hasn't even touched the PTSD side, and is only the tip of the iceberg on rape psychology. I'm going to go ahead and stop, here. Because this is probably more than enough to see why therapy has helped. People can spend 8 years in school studying this stuff, &/or a lifetime recovering from it. It's complicated. And none of it may apply to your wife. But you asked an incredibly broad question, so... Shrug. The easy answer is that your premise is wrong. Neither causes either. But if you go beneath the surface? Yeah. Lots of moving parts. Which can definitely contribute.
If you want to know more... I really suggest the article linked above, and working with your wife & her therapist. They know the moving parts that are applicable in your own lives.
You're missing some interim steps. Which is what I suspect is what you're actually interested in. It's kind of like saying "What about being American makes people obnoxious?" Or fat. Or smile all the time. Or whatever. It doesn't mean (some) Americans aren't obnoxious. It also doesn't mean that there aren't contributing factors to those issues. Or what about being Australian makes people drink beer? It's just that it's not a direct / causal relationship.
First off, nuts & bolts: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/.
"Simple, to the point, no bullshit breakdown of PTSD for both the sufferer and supporter."
So what are some of the interim steps that can add up to infidelity? (Or violence. Or drug use. Or any of the other paths that some people with PTSD tend to walk down, but hardly most, much less all, because they're not direct symptoms.) These are big issues with lots of moving parts. What follows are just a handful on each to get an idea:
- PTSD aside... Rape victims tend to split into 1:2 camps: Cut off from sex, or very promiscuous. (Again, tend. Many don't split into either camp, but those are the two big 180 degree different trends.) For those that slip into promiscuity, there tends to be several more camps, and not everyone falls into them (notice the ongoing theme? ;) ) Reclaiming sex, control, power, revaluing sex (up or down; people often fall into the trap of thinking people devalue sex, but it's as often the other way around), erasing bad memories with good ones, faith in humanity (up or down, again), retraumatization, punishment, fear/proving yourself, the list goes on. If your wife fits into any of these categories, or others, would be things to work out with her. Or not. It often takes quite a bit of therapy to figure out all the little facets that go into why someone is doing something, and why is often secondary to ceasing & desisting. Sometimes why is helpful, sometimes it's not.
- Another common trend of rape victims is pristine vs dirty (my own words, I wouldn't use them with someone else unless you're prepared for some massive rage. The whole "I can call myself XYZ, but no one else had better"... Especially because -again- this is only a trend. Not everyone does this.). Meaning they do not want (to the point of it feelin like a need, instead of a want) to bring in all the "dirty" into something they view as healthy/ pristine/ special. It's a form of compartmentalization. They want to keep the good parts of their lives from being "contaminated" with the bad parts of their lives. Often leads to a lot of pain, because the disconnect is the common denominator: Yourself. You live in both worlds, so both worlds are affected by what you do in the other. Lotta denial in this one, usually. To the point of "I would rather divorce you, and keep you clean/special/safe in my mind, than infect you with all the dark that lives in this other portion of my life". Neither compartmentalization, nor that particular argument, is something unique to rape victims. Cops spouses & military spouses are on the receiving end of this one a whole helluva lot. The bone deep need to keep 2 worlds separate. It works until it doesn't. And then it usually fails in a pretty spectacular way. When worlds collide? In a relationship divorce or a breakup is more common than moving past it. For too many possible reasons to list.
The above hasn't even touched the PTSD side, and is only the tip of the iceberg on rape psychology. I'm going to go ahead and stop, here. Because this is probably more than enough to see why therapy has helped. People can spend 8 years in school studying this stuff, &/or a lifetime recovering from it. It's complicated. And none of it may apply to your wife. But you asked an incredibly broad question, so... Shrug. The easy answer is that your premise is wrong. Neither causes either. But if you go beneath the surface? Yeah. Lots of moving parts. Which can definitely contribute.
If you want to know more... I really suggest the article linked above, and working with your wife & her therapist. They know the moving parts that are applicable in your own lives.
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