Ptsd And Parenting

[Becky_From_Canada]

I'm curious about how - or if - PTSD has affected the way you parent, and your relationship with your kids.

Far more frequently than I'm comfortable to admit, I have days when parenting overwhelms me to the point where I think I just cannot do it. I tend to blame the PTSD, but I sometimes wonder if this is just a normal part of parenting. Does that fact that one of my kids has special needs have something to do with it?

I often feel horribly guilty - like I cannot be the mom my kids deserve.

Becky

 

[Pencil]

I think all the things you mention play an important role, but PTSD on it's own makes parenting very difficult, and makes everything else harder - it ties in with Anthony's cup analogy.

 

[rightkindofme]

My PTSD was caused by severe abuse and neglect during childhood. Not only is my brain in panic mode all of the time I have no good skills to depend on. Everything in my head is "bad".

I have a good friend (who does not have PTSD) whom I speak to every day. She is also a mom in a similar place in life. Talking with her every day helps me understand how the stresses are norma and constant for everyone--I'm not just broken. She struggles as much or more than I do with some things. That's really good to hear.

I enjoyed the book Dead Link Removed even though they have a disclaimer at the beginning of the book stating that I am going to not be able to use their methods because my trauma is bigger than they are trying to address. I have also done a lot of reading in this series of Dead Link Removed. I showed the five year old one but they cover every age. That is just the last one I bought. :)

I feel like reminding myself about development allows me to see where I am freaking out because of me and where my kids are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

I feel like parenting has given me the impetus to "deal with my stuff" that I have never had before. I'm so grateful for my children. I have learned to manage a lot of my symptoms and I don't self injure any more. Baby steps.

Near as I can tell every mother feels guilty. Madeline Albright said, "Guilt is every mother's middle name." It is harder for us. But we can still do it. I believe that with all my heart.

 

[Marguerite]

Trauma has impaired my parenting skills. I am working so hard to keep myself together, that I am sometimes unable to deal with my now teens. Sometimes I just emotionally check out. I go upstairs and pretend to fold laundry.

 

[mamachick]

Symptoms make all tasks harder and can be a strain on relationships, but I agree that those without ptsd find relationships difficult and parenting frustrating and difficult in many different ways at different times. Having a child with special needs, in my opinion, poses more difficult challenges on its own. I was raising kids free from symptoms and had the patience of a saint with my youngest who had some mild special needs. That does not mean that at times I did now wish they would evaporate for a few minutes, followed by feeling guilty.

I had a traumatic brain injury when my daughters were 16 and 18, and was single parent. This changed the course of my life. I think that symptoms were activated at this time. My emotions changed drastically. The thing my children would tell you that was most evident to them is that their once confident mother lost self esteem. Teens say mom is crazy, are not always respectful, can be very critical, etc. It had rolled off my shoulder like a duck and now it made me cry and feel like a failure.

I am told that I had ptsd from childhood but had worked through without any actual trauma therapy. My nerves became shot and I found myself medicating with alcohol after the accident. Parenting became a real challenge. I was almost panicked about family history repeating itself. I was jumpy and irritable and I panicked that they would make a choice that would be life altering.

We got through it. At times it felt like roles were reversed. It has not been easy but we have all got through it and come out the other side. They are wonderful daughters and young women. We all have our issues, but I would not change a thing. I survived, and you are not alone.

I dont know how many and old your children are or other circumstances. I can say that raising children may be the hardest thing we ever do in life. My daughters are now 36, 25, and 23. The fact that you are questioning shows that you are insightful and conscientious. I hope you are able to find something special just for you. Taking time for yourself is something that all moms need and you cant get back when you dont. This can lead to resentment. Hope you can be gentle with yourself.

 

[Sick of Fear]

I am so happy that you've posted this. I've been feeling the same way lately, wondering if my ptsd is affecting my parenting, or if I'm just a regular, stressed out mama.

I think the stress of suffering from ptsd on top of regular everyday stress gets to be extremely overwhelming. We can get through this though. I think the fact that we can acknowledge when we are overwhelmed or stressed is really good. That means we are willing to find a remedy and continue being the parents our children deserve to have.

Again, thank you so much for posting this. You have helped me put things into perspective, and I hope that I've helped you do the same :)

 

[mamachick]

I think its a great post with many good responses as well. Has made me think about some of my exagerated responses to other situations. Thanks

 

[modernmama]

Hi Becky. I'm new to the forum and must tell you that I too have a special needs child (Down syndrome and autism). It's difficult enough to stay focused and be a good mom but when you add in the extra care we need to give ourselves with the extra care our special kids require its just well ... Overwhelming.

I had a few years where I think I did a really poor job of parenting but my kids have no memory of it ... Which I guess proves that we are much harder on ourselves than they are. Thinking of you

 

[Jlso111187]

I too have days where parenting stresses me out beyond belief. I wish both ptsd and parenting were not such hard tasks in themselves and then putting them together thats just a disaster.

I am just glad my children are pretty much old enough to do things on their own. Other than cooking of course but who would let a 6 or 8 year old cook by themselves any ways. I spoil my kids with a lot of things most kids would not have (laptops, tablets, xbox 360, wii, Leapster Explorers) things like that and a whole bunch of other toys to make up what I lack to be able to provide.

I mean I give them all the love I can thats not what I feel bad about. I feel bad about the days where I get so mad at the littlest things, the days where I don't feel like doing anything fun with them. The days they have to see my cry, the days where I am not there (physically I am but emotionally and mentally not). I hate not being a better mom.

But I know my kids are very smart, they have everything they need, and I know they love me very much. My 8 year old is so bright that he understands a lot and knows more about things than he should. But in some ways I love this about him because he understands what PTSD is and how it effects me. He knows how to help me when I am having my worst days. He also knows that I want to be a better mom and how hard I try. But he understands that sometimes its hard for me to do. He is so sweet because just the other day when I was not doing to good. He said to me "momma your the best mom anyone could ask for. I am lucky to have you because yes your not like all other moms but you are very special because all of the things you have been through and made it out of." when he said that I balled

 

[rightkindofme]

I feel guilty admitting that I pray that when my children are adults they will find out my story (I don't think they should know before 18) and tell me I did a good job given what I was taught.

I pray really hard for that.

 

[Jlso111187]

Rightkindofme, dont feel guilty for that. When and if they find out they will understand. They will love you just the same maybe even more.

 

[Becky_From_Canada]

I truly appreciate all of your responses. I can relate in some way to what all of you say. At the end of the day, we all do the best we can, and you know what? I think we're awesome. PTSD definitely seems to affect how most of us go about parenting, but the fact is that we do it, and I'd venture a guess that most of the time, we all do it better than we think we do.

Becky