PTSD And Sex

[kitkat]

Yeah my husband knows about my problems and my past....he's very supportive and understanding. I just don't want to feel so nasty and dirty when we do have sex. I cant stand having anything inside of me cause it just takes me back and then I cant get the perps faces out of my head which only makes the situation alot more uncomfortable. I have low self esteem no matter how much my husband tells me how beautiful I am everyday. I'm numb alot. He doesn't do anything to trigger me, it's just the sex itself. I feel bad that he has to go through this because of what happend to me, but I know it's not my fault. I'm always stressed out. I cant stand most men.....I say most because I love my husband and dad, but the rest of the men in the world just make me sick literally.

 

[Seychelle]

This is an ongoing issue for me. I've recently (like in the past 8 months or so) occasionally been able to be intimate with my OH, but not actually sex. He has his own issues related to this, so the times when we're both feeling up to it are fairly rare.

When the memories first started coming up (and there are a lot of them), the first and essential step for me was to put up strong boundaries and sometimes I just said no for the sake of saying no, even if I wanted to do stuff. I think I needed to learn that my body is MY body. Ditto for my OH. We both grew up not knowing what healthy boundaries are. We kind of had to go to the other extreme to actually learn what they are and we've gradually relaxed a few of them as time has gone by.

Occasionally flashbacks will come up while being intimate. I have physical damage as well as emotional damage and it is really hard to work through the pain. I don't want to give in to the pain, because then it becomes like aversion therapy (which has happened in the past).

I'll write more on this later I think.

 

[nic]

Okay, I'm going to make what may seem like an odd analogy...

Since the whole sex thing is one of my major issues, I've talked with therapists quite a bit--or at least as much as I feel comfortable--about this. Whenever I'm told that "eventually things will get better," I compare the PTSD to the thing I love to do: cheerleading. Before you all think I'm a total freak, let me explain...

I cheered all through high school, college, and post-college, and also coached for several years. I love cheerleading; it's one of those things that defines me. Because I've cheered so much and it was so much a part of my life, whenever I see football or basketball on t.v., I think of cheerleading. I haven't cheeread or coached for a few years now, but still, whenever the 'Pats come on that screen, guess what I think of? Yup, you guessed it. Even 20, 30, or 50 years from now, I KNOW I will still think of cheereading whenever I see football or basketball, even if I haven't cheered for 20, 30, or 50 years. It's just so ingrained in my mind.

I think it's the same thing with sex--(for me, at least). The multiple rapes, even though they were a while ago now, were so ingrained in my mind, that whenever I have sex, I can't help but think about it. I can try to think about other things, but the association between sex and rape is just too strong.

I really don't know how to "get over" this. I've tried many things, but nothing works. Sorry I can't be more helpful to you all, but in my case, I don't think this issue will ever go away.

 

[catjudo]

A different analogy for sure but it makes perfect sense the way that you explain it. Thanks for sharing. I'm going to think on this for a bit and see how, if at all, this applies in my situation. You've given me a new perspective to consider.

 

[Seychelle]

I can recommend this book: Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors by Ken Graber. It's mostly about childhood survivors of sexual abuse, but it may be helpful for adult attacks as well.

 

[Auburngirl]

Here's a bit from Good Sex After Bad, a chapter in the Guide to Getting it on by Goofy Foot Press (just google it) that I found helpful and more down to earth and understandable than anything else I found. I hope it is of some help to others. I'm still struggling, but this passage made it feel less weird and gave a few concrete pieces of advice.



Learning to Have Good Sex After Bad

Women who have been raped or sexually abused sometimes report that their bodies are betraying them. Perhaps it's just that their bodies are trying to protect them, and the nerves and muscles beneath their skin have no way of knowing that the danger has passed.
For instance, think of what happens in your body when the man of your dreams is tenderly kissing the sides of your neck. As you are becoming sexually aroused, your heart beats faster, you breathe more quickly, and your skin starts to perspire. You might not be consciously aware of it, but your hearing and vision also become more acute.
A woman with no experience of abuse might experience these body sensations as a sign of the good things to come. But for a woman who has been sexually assaulted or abused, her body is apt to confuse these signs with danger. Far from trying to betray her, her body is most likely trying to protect her. Like the Japanese soldiers on remote islands during World War II who were never told that the war was over, her nerves and muscles are still preparing for combat rather than for relaxation and pleasure. The retraining process can be slow. So one of the first things a woman might do is to become aware of sexually-charged situations that cause her body tone to go from "Oh boy!" to "Yikes!" or those that make her feel numb or disassociated.
For one woman, the trigger might be a quick, admiring glance from a man in a restaurant. Another woman's body might be totally into having sex until she feels her lover's penis on her outer labia.
As a woman begins to recognize these triggers, she can take any number of actions. One woman might find it helpful to stay with the bad feeling and observe how it unfolds within her. Another might remind herself the situation isn't the dangerous one that her body is confusing it with. If it happens during lovemaking, she and her partner might have a signal so they change positions or automatically stop. A woman might find it important if her lover says something to her, or maybe they switch on a light so she can physically see his face in addition to hearing the sound of his voice. It might also be helpful for her to have environmental cues going on from the start of their lovemaking, such as certain music or a particular light, or having a special object that she can feel or grasp--a good transitional object that helps her feel safe enough to stay in the here and now.

 

[Deleted member 487]

I found that, as a man that was raped, when my wife or GFs would perform oral sex, my body would always go into seizures. Automatic muscular fluctuations. Same location everytime.

 

[Seychelle]

I've been thinking about this more since I posted, and it's made me realise that I have come a long way with this particular issue, so I thought I'd share. Most of what happened to me was in childhood, the worst incidents when I was around 3 or 4 years old.

I think desensitising works for sex-related stuff as well. There's a thread started by Anthony on here called "Reading the forum increases symptoms" which talks about desensitising and exposure to triggers and I reckon it applies to sex-related trauma too.

I've gradually desensitised myself so I'm less triggered by intimacy and sex-related stuff. A year or two ago, I started to work through most of the memories, including the sexual abuse, by writing them out on another forum and being in touch with the emotions associated with the traumas (that forum no longer exists, so I can't re-read what I wrote). That took away a lot of the shame and turned down the intensity a bit. Still a long way to go, though.

I couldn't even cope with people talking about sex or reading about it a couple of years ago, let alone kiss my OH. Over the past year or so, I gradually started reading bits and pieces of conversations on a forum about sex and intimacy. Some of the discussions were pretty explicit. I didn't cope very well to start with, now I'm fine reading most things. I looked at pictures too. Again, very hard to cope with at first - but I've mostly desensitised myself.

If I get triggered while being intimate with my OH, I do not keep going. It is better for me to stop, get in touch with the emotions, roll over, cry, whatever. Sometimes I'm able to return to hugging or whatever, sometimes not. Continuing while dissociated/triggered means that I'm not keeping up my boundaries, that I'm not being true to myself. My OH supports me with this, and vice versa. He knows my past, I know his. Recovery is WAY more important than the heat of the moment, taking it slowly is the way forward for us. We're learning how to do it healthily and in ways that are good for our mental health.

I still have a long way to go, so does he. But I'm much much less triggered than I used to be. I think there is hope. It just takes a long time.

 

[hodge]

I so relate to a lot of what's been said here already. When my husband and I got together 10 years ago, the sex was fantastic and I had absolutely no problems with sex. Since the PTSD reared its ugly head several years ago, I have so much trouble even wanting sex. I experience so many bad associations that I am not able to initiate anything. My husband has been extraordinarily patient with me, understands that I need to be the one to start things, and waits for long long periods of time until I can initiate. I sometimes fear that his patience will run out and he'll leave, but he always reassures me that he's never going anywhere.

One of my biggest hangups is being afraid of tainting my relationship with my husband because of past traumas. I want the sex to be between my husband and me only. It's like I feel our sex is invaded by all these ghosts and I hate that. It totally turns me off and makes me phobic about sex.

With previous lovers I would see their faces morph into monster faces while being intimate. I do not ever want that to happen with my husband. It never has, but I am afraid if it did, I would get hopeless about ever having a good sex life with him again.

One of my therapists recommended Sexual Healing by Wendy Maltz, too. I should try some of the other books mentioned here. I need to make this a priority in my struggle to manage my illness, but it's so hard. I'm so overwhelmed with just coping with life as it is that it's like I have too little energy left to deal with this.

 

[Hollow]

I have huge issues with sex too.
I can easily go through with foreplay and such, but it's at the penetration I get stuck. I turn around in tears, and i feel so very dirty, can't sleep and then the anger grows on me.

I hate myself for letting my past be a part of me. I hate that I let the things that happened take place at all..

I'm really lucky that my husband is so understanding. He knows my story, he knows why- and he always takes my feelings in consideration.

 

[Marlene]

I so relate to a lot of what's been said here already. When my husband and I got together 10 years ago, the sex was fantastic and I had absolutely no problems with sex. Since the PTSD reared its ugly head several years ago, I have so much trouble even wanting sex.

I sometimes fear that his patience will run out and he'll leave, but he always reassures me that he's never going anywhere.

I want the sex to be between my husband and me only. It's like I feel our sex is invaded by all these ghosts and I hate that.

Thanks for writting this, hodge. This is what I deal with when I want to be intimate with my husband. Only difference is that we had almost 20 years where everything was wonderful and it's only been in the last couple of years that things have become so difficult for me.

Lisa

 

[kitkat]

I'm definately going to look for those books (I wrote them all down). I have an appointment with my T next week and I'm so worried that she's going to judge me about my past. I know it's her job and she listens to people all day but I feel like they look down on me or judge me for my past and automatically put me in a catagory. I know I shouldn't be worrying like this. I just hate meeting new people. I don't want them to put me on all kinds of new meds when all I need is Therapy. They always suggest new meds. I dont feel comfortable going in the room alone with someone so I always have my husdband go in with me but they sometimes want to see me alone....he knows everything I'd tell her and they don't understand that I cant open up like that by myself. I can be myself with my husband in the room with me. I tend to smile and giggle alot when I'm nervous and noone takes me serious because of it. I cant stand people looking at me or staring at me either. It's all stressful.....just writing this stresses me out.