Ptsd...bring It Up To New Boyfriend

[Grace511]

So I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost two weeks now. I know it's not that long but I know he is the one. I have never been in a relationship before him.

He knows an overview of my family dysfunction and that I have been hurt by guys in the past,but he doesn't know the extent. He doesn't know I was molested of physically abused. I want to tell him but am scared this will chase him away.

Any advice?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wait?

I'm all for honesty, but at the same time, I think you should perhaps get to know him better and let him get to know you better. This way he can get to see that you're a great person and then he can realize you're worth sticking it out for. I think that disclosing too soon does scare some people away, but then again, every situation is different.

I just started talking to a guy last week, and I've disclosed that I have health issues but nothing more. Well, he knows I struggle with insomnia and get agitated, but that's the extent of it. It's still the very early stages of things so I'm being cautious. I know I have things that I struggle with, and I know not everybody can handle it so I'm careful not to drop everything on anyone all at once. (It can be a lot to take in.)

 

[Orglethorp]

These are definitely hard things to tell a boyfriend, for sure. I was abused and molested as a child, and I've told a couple of boyfriends. I prefer to break it up into multiple conversations and let things come up naturally. I tell about general family dysfunction and the like first. If that goes well, I might then (another day) mention that I was abused. I may or may not bring up PTSD in the same conversation. Further details come if he asks, or otherwise when it comes up naturally and I feel like sharing. Keep in mind that trauma is hard to hear about. Someone who cares about you isn't going to be scared away, but they might hurt on your behalf, and they may need time to process it. They may or may not want to talk it over with a third party (someone who cares about you will be smart about who that is, so try to trust him and don't feel hurt or betrayed).

Use this as a test and as a trust building tool, but don't rush it. You aren't obligated to tell more than you're comfortable telling, and he won't be able to handle too much detail all at once. You also don't have to tell him everything right now.

If you're showing lots of symptoms or something around him, then it might be a good idea to let him in a little, but don't feel pressured to share too much too fast.

Now, you said you've never been in a relationship before, it's been two weeks and you know he's the one? I'm glad you've found someone you care about, but please be careful. If you've never dated before, then you have nothing to compare this person and this relationship to. He may be the one, or he may not. Enjoy this, but don't rush. It took me many years and several relationships (some as long as 3 years) before I found the one. I thought 2 others were the one, including my first, but now that I had those experiences, now I actually know. I have experiences to compare to. I'm not saying your first has to fail, because some last forever, I'm just saying recognize your lack of experience and take it slow.

Good luck!

 

[Al_Lurker]

My only contribution here is to make sure he really understands it however and whenever you do tell him. I knew my ex had these experiences and I thought I could safely let her tell me in her own time. It turned out there were things she couldn't tell me at all and when the intimacy levels got too high I was unprepared for the way she reacted. I did not fully grasp the extent of her wounds and wasn't educated on what PTSD was and ended up triggering her. Badly. It seems to have ended the relationship. Bottom line, the sooner you begin to really educate him the better, you'll both benefit in my opinion. And don't sugar coat it, make sure he understands what your triggers are if you know them and what your boundaries are very clearly.

 

[Changing4Best]

I remember telling my husband, when I found out in therapy that these things had happened to me. (I'd shut them away in my unconscious mind). I was still so bound up about speaking of it, because my abuser/ molester had threatened me with death if I did, so I could hardly speak of it, I just cried. I never went back to that therapy, I was so scared of what I'd seen that I did not want to know more. That was maybe in 1995.

My husband kind of retreated after that, started watching a lot of TV. He then became impotent, told me he didn't want to have sex anymore and later that day had a massive stroke. That was 1997. He spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair, died in 2005.

I wish I'd never told him!

 

[nursenurse]

Slow right down here!! While we all know someone who has met the "one" and known it shortly after, there are far more who thought so and have had the relationship fail.

I am not sure when a good time to reveal all would be, but once you do, you have put yourself into a vulnerable position and have given yourself rover more emotionally than you realize. Which we all have to do when we are in a good working relationship.

I just think that two weeks is way too early to be thinking along the lines of him being the one. Slow down, let things develop, let reality be your guide and not the feelings of romance. I like Orglethorp's way. But as someone else said, whatever you do reveal, be honest and matter of fact. If he runs he isn't the one. If he takes the time to digest and is interested, he will show it, and you can keep on with the information and education. Good luck .

And by the way, slow does not mean moving in after 3 months. Seen too much of that here. Just saying.... :D

 

[Jane.l]

I would tell him as little as possible at the moment . It's hard to know what to tell and when but you make yourself very vulnerable disclosing and trusting too soon.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Just be you. Nothing more nothing less.

 

[Justmehere]

This may sound like a dumb question, and maybe it is, but it is a genuine question I have - why do you want to tell him more right now?

 

[Viosinger]

Just my experiences/approaches. Please take/leave any parts of this.

Extensive family history I tend to wait to tell. A few weeks is still twitterpation generally (which is great!). The realities of long-term commitments sink in a bit later as you both learn about each other (in both wonderful and challenging ways).

In dating, I let most info come as it feels natural. The only somewhat forced talk I usually have had is if I'm consistently sleeping with someone. Because it's such an intimate moment, and with my history there's been a chance that I may suddenly have to stop, by no fault of the guy's.

Glad to hear you've found a good guy :-) don't hurry into anything.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm all for letting things out gradually. I told the new guy I've been talking to that I have an anxiety disorder. He knows it's why I have troubling symptoms and it's why I'm not working right now. His response? "It's not a big deal." Wahoo! Another step in the right direction.