Ptsd Caused By Accident.

[gdolapp]

HI everyone, I am new here and am happy to find this forum.
I suffer from PTSD, attatchment disorder, and depression all brought on by an accident I had just over three years ago.
I am in my early 40's and have owned and been riding horses my entire life. In November of 07 I
saddled my horse for a nice fall ride. Our ride started off great and soon we were in the harvested cornfields really enjoying each others company (I was alone, just me and my horse). I had taken my camera along, had gotten off Cherokee to take a few pics, got back on him had just got my right foot in my stirrup when out of the blue he became a rodeo bronc. At that time I had this horse for 8 years.
I sat the first three bucks just fine and decided to bail off on the fourth buck so I kicked my stirrups, let go of the rein puched myself upward and backward. In midbuck he hit my lower back wich sent me off kilter I landed on the ground on the edge of my left hip and felt excrutiating pain in my lower back.
He headed for home bucking the whole way as we were at a point were I could see the house.
I found my phone and called for help. Ended up heading for the hospital in my own vehicle being driven by a relative. Once reaching the first hospital and having xrays and ct scan done the ER doc finally dosed me on morphine and even said she couldnt imagine my pain. I then was told I would be transfered to a bigger trauma facility about 50 miles away as I was to hurt for them to handle.
My husband, my Mom and myself about fainted when she proceeded to tell me I had broken my lower back in not one but three places and even though I still had feeling in my legs and could move them they did not want me to move my legs at all.
I was transfered to the trauma center where I laid for two days before they could operate. After the surgery I found out that I had fractured both L-1 and L-3 and had totally blown out L-2 I had pushed S-1 wich is the tailbone into L-5 wich pushed L-5 into L-4 along with all that L-4 and 5 were tipped to a right angle and rotated 45 degrees forward. I pushed everything from L-1 upward 1/2 inch to the left and they had to take bone slivers out of my spinal canal and cord. I spent five days in the hospital
and was released on the 5th day and walked out.

It wasn't till I got home that I started having the flashbacks and nightmares. I headed for my Doc whom put me on Flouxotine right away.
The problems that I have are: I do not want to be in large crowds, I panic I feel like I have to do everything I can to protect my back, I am petrified to walk on snow and ice. Just as I think I am doing great I end up taking twenty steps back. My Docs have told me that my brain can only handle the pain in my back and when I have added pain like a headache or something it sends me into a tail spin. I am depressed because I can not do the things I used to beable to do. I can't mow lawn, drive a tractor, bale hay feed my own horses ect... I was always a very independant person and have had to learn to let people do for me. My husband and daughter do the best they can to help.

For my own mental state of mind seven months after the accident I got back on the horse that threw me. I have been on him about five times since the accident. I only get on him w hen a friend of mine gets him ready for me and helps me get on and then I am only on him for about fifteen minutes.
I am a horse lover always have been.
I can not sit or stand for lengthy periods of time and have major problems sleeping. I have had to file for disability because of the physical limitations I have wich is killing me as I am so used to working.
I worked any where from 45 to 70 hours a week prior to this happening.

Can anyone give me any advice on where to go from here? My regular Doc is my therapist so to speak as he is a horse person so he has helped me alot in discusions regarding this. I am still learning how to cope with the I can't do that anymore aspect of my life and the reality that my life has completely changed.
Thanks for listening.

 

[mamachick]

Welcome to the forum and for sharing your story. I would begin my reading the articles and other posts. There is a lot of good information and support here for you. I also would consider getting a real therapist that specializes in trauma and can do some things to help you overcome your fear. It is really brave to get back on the horse. I dont know what the prognosis is for your back but do know physical limitations related to an injury and have had to just alter my lifestyle to accomodate-there are some things I can no longer do. That loss can also cause a grieving period that I never allowed or accepted initially.

You're in the right place and I hope you find the support here that I have.

 

[Spero3]

I am very sorry about your accident. I had horses for many years growing up and took many falls (a couple pretty bad ones, but never any injury). I would imagine that after your experience and trauma, it is very normal to be paranoid about protecting your back. Good for your for getting back in the saddle, literally. That had to have been very frightening. My first suggestion is to find a good PTSD therapist. What is the prognosis for recovery? Will you continue to heal, or are things about as good as they are going to get? My guess is the pain is making the PTSD worse as it is a constant reminder of what happened, and you are now so restricted in what you can do.

I hope you find help here.

Spero

 

[gdolapp]

My physical prognosis isn't good. I am fighting disability case now. All my lower back muscle was pretty much destroyed. I can not twist at the waist at all or my back goes out. My back is virtually divided in two. Everything from L-1 upward works with my shoulders and upper body everything from L-3 downward works with my waiste and legs so I can throw my back out by just getting out of bed or bending over. I can do nothing repetativily and can not sit or stand for lengthy periods of time. I have severe arthritis already and will be tested in next few weeks for nerve damage. The muscles will never heal the way they should because I can't strengthen them do to throwing back out all the time. We were able to strengthen the hip muscle to keep my right hip joint from continually popping out of place. Plus the initial trauma swelling has never went down. I can ice ice and ice my back but the swelling never goes down.
I had to get back on my horse to try to start the mental healing process. It is hard for me knowing that I have spent pretty much my entire life on a horse and that someday I will never beable to ride again. That mentally kills me.

 

[mamachick]

I am so sorry. I understand wanting to get past it mentally as I am sure you are very brave and strong and have made yourself face it, but you must think of re-injury as well. I know that horse have been a huge part of your life and that is a terrible loss. I have some understanding of dealing with pain and throwing the emotions of ptsd into the mix as well. The other issue that I can relate to is "grief". Losing health is like the death of a loved one. I did not deal with it at the time(I avoided, denied, and numbed) and am now feeling more grief. I lost my career-though I can and will get it back at some point possibly. I do think the more panicked we are about the important thing we have lost, the more anxiety, the slower recovery.

A therapist told me a couple of years ago-"you may just have to accept the fact that you can no longer do the things that you once did"-and I thought, I will not accept this. However, my hands have gotten so bad that I may be having surgery and it is inevitable that he was right. He compared it with the aging process, but the difference is that it is not gradual and we are thrown into it. I know that it is a loss but it does not define who you are. I can tell that you love horses and riding. Could you eventually do something else that involves horses that you might find passion in? A friend was telling me about volunteering at a stable where disabled children learn to care for and ride. I thought how awesome that is.

My thoughts are with you. Just remember to be patient with yourself.
Hugs, Brat