DID Ptsd & did- talking to a therapist

[angel2write]

So... I'm going in to see a therapist today. And for the first time in my life, I'm going to talk about the dissociative identity stuff. It feels a lot like the first day I went in and asked, "Can I be evaluated for PTSD, please?"

I have changed outfits three times.

I know I have issues with this. How deep they are, or how far they extend, may be in doubt. And I am not going in looking for a particular diagnosis. I just want to get some guidance about how to help myself, really.

I feel like I've been asking for help since I was a kid. Over and over I've asked for help. Only to be told that I'm fine, and I must be making all this up to get attention. I've been labeled a liar and a manipulator, an exaggerator and selfish, moody, and a miserable self-centered human being.

You know something? I've never taken illegal drugs. Not once. I've never been drunk. Never smoked. I worked hard in school, got excellent grades, stayed out of trouble. I've slept with three people in my entire life, two of whom I was married to (not counting rapists). I stay home with my kids, work on my house, go to church, tithe, help people, give to charity, and care for my pets. I have done my absolute best my ENTIRE LIFE to be a good person.

All I want is to be able to live my life without feeling like someone blew a hole in my chest with a shotgun, or like aliens stuck a blender attachment to my brain and hit "pulse."

I keep reading about DID. The same way I did about PTSD. And I have so many of the symptoms... so many. All my life, so many. I don't want a diagnosis I don't deserve. I don't want attention. I'm not trying to make trouble. I just want to know how to make myself better so I can take care of myself and my husband and my kids. I'm not a burden to society. I'm not. I just want help. Some kind of help. I feel like I can't keep doing this. I keep getting therapy, and for a while I'll feel better, and then everything slides downhill again.

Somewhere, somehow there has to be an answer for me. There has to be.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am very sorry angel2write. I wish you the best in your therapist's appointment.

Offering support. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope everything goes well for you and you get some good help. I am rooting for you. Just remember to breathe. Hugs and prayers if that is ok.

 

[angel2write]

"Research has documented that, on average, people with dissociative disorders have spent seven years in the mental health system prior to accurate diagnosis. This is common, because the list of symptoms that cause a person with a dissociative disorder to seek treatment is very similar to those of many other psychiatric diagnoses. In fact, many people who are diagnosed with dissociative disorders also have secondary diagnoses of depression, anxiety, or panic disorders."

[DLMURL]http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/types-of-dissociative-disorders/[/DLMURL]

 

[Loveneverfails]

I've been labeled a liar and a manipulator, an exaggerator and selfish, moody, and a miserable self-centered human being.

I can't even for a second associate you with any of those things. You selflessly help everyone you can and you live a damn good role in life. Yeah, you've been through hell, but you have behaved like a wonderful and gentle human being through it all. You deserve to be believed and get the help you're asking for. Good luck, my thoughts are with you, I hope you get everything you need. You do deserve it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hang in there, dear (((((((((A2W)))))))).

I haven't had the courage yet to post what I'm working on with the dissociative symptoms, but I'm also on the far end of the spectrum though not 'DID,' just frozen personality states.

This topic still frightens me a lot. Thankfully, I am at a point where I leave it up to my T. to worry about between sessions so I can just focus on living my life.

 

[safenow]

Gentle hugs to you if you allow them.

I hope your therapist can help you determine what is going on and give you a name for it. I know that always helps. But the important thing to remember is this: It is not your fault. You spoke of being raped. That is a major trauma that can cause all sorts of issues in a person's life. It can play havoc in a marriage, motherhood, and work environment.

Know that if you have DID it is not the end of the world. It was a way you used to survive what you were going through at the time. It will settle down with time and good therapy. Believe it or not, it was a friend to you. A gift, if you will. It probably saved you to become the kind of person you are now.

Good luck today. Keep your chin up. All will be well. Be sure to let us know what happens.

safenow

 

[Phenioxrising]

I hope you get the answers you seek. Also, yes, you do want attention.
Everyone needs to be vallidated, when we were denied it.
Also to learn to trust yourself.

 

[angel2write]

You guys are all very kind and always so encouraging.

We didn't end up talking about it today (ran out of time) but I did mention that I wanted to talk about it next time & got it on the agenda. Bear and I have been strategizing about how to bring this up & what to say.

Meanwhile... ordinary life goes on.

 

[kimba]

Hi angel2write,
Please get this addressed in the next session because the sooner you know about the DID or at least where you actually lie on the dissociative spectrum, the sooner you can have some peace of mind in knowing where you stand. Once you know and can start talking openly and honestly, so much will probably fall into place (make sense) and give you more peace of mind. You can start trusting yourself sooner also. I was diagnosed last April or May but fought the diagnosis until I realised through therapy it wasn't about "me" it was about what was done "to me" and what I did to survive. I do not walk around announcing I have DID but doing the work in therapy has helped me sort things out and not feel so lost and alone with things going on I didn't understand.

 

[safenow]

I do not walk around announcing I have DID but doing the work in therapy has helped me sort things out and not feel so lost and alone with things going on I didn't understand.

You have a wonderful attitude. I'm glad you have a good therapist.

 

[Loveneverfails]

You give me so much courage Angel. I've only just been able to admit I have been living my life in varying states of dissociation and still not ready to tell my T just how bad. (I suppose I'm hoping it will all just go away in time) But seeing you tackle your challenges in therapy really makes me think it's okay to sometimes admit what you're suffering through.