Hey everyone, I hope this is the right area to post, I apologize if it isn't. Most probably this is going to be long, so bear with me.
Okay, so some things about me. I'm 18, I live in a small town, and am in an area of my life where I don't have a lot of free time because I want to get into medical school. Throughout the last four years, some things have happened to me, leaving me with something resembling anhedonia(more on this in a moment). So, at the beginning of high school,4 years earlier, I was suffering from social anxiety,which most probably stemmed from body image issues. Because of not being able to get along with the rest of the class, and being persecuted by teachers for my long hair, along with my first breakup made me slip into a depression that took about 5 months. After it ended, my feelings, instead of coming back to life, almost totally disappeared, as if the world turned grey. Now, this isn't what I want to talk about, but it's significant,being tied to what I'm about to say. All in all, I got past my anxieties, after I started training and lifting weights, which made me gain huge confidence, and being able to talk to girls without fear,something I was never able to do before. In spite of this, no happiness ensued. This led me to a lot of bad thought patterns, which I'm still trying to lose such as overanalysis.
Alright, now onto the point. In my town, there is a lot of stigma placed on people with long hair,leading to people picking on me, sometimes leading to street fights. Now, before I say anything else, this was simply reality for me. I knew I could fight and defend myself,having done it before, even when I had anxiety issues. However throughout these last years I was jumped multiple times for the same reason, once leading to me being hit with a metal whip multiple times, and usually having to take punches from 6 people and still hit back and make my escape just so I could get the girl I was with home safely. The last time I was jumped created some anxiety resulting in me being uneasy when walking past the place it happened, but then I was relatively back to normal. However,something was wrong. One night, when walking with a friend, we were surrounded by 4 guys, they were drunk and probably drugged up and, skipping the details I got punched once. Now, mind you, I'm 6 ft tall and really big, having been lifting weights for quite some time,and with previous experience fighting. However, I simply froze. In retrospect, we could have beaten them up easily,but whatever. After that I kept remembering the incident with the 6 guys and more anxiety ensued, however it then died down a little.
When school began, I realized that I needed to get my problems sorted out or I'll probably die unhappy, even on a mound of money.I forgot to say that since my first relationship, I wasn't able to feel love anymore. Caring about someone,sure, but not love. Also, after the last incident, I started kickboxing to be able to defend myself. However, each sparring session is a trigger for me, and it has been like this for three months almost. I'm still doing it in the hope that I will get used to being punched and continue fighting. Also I have been having huge anxiety going alone at night, being startled by noises, screams in the distance, groups of multiple people or people with hoods on or anything that reminds me of what happened. What's worse it that when I'm calm, I know that I could probably defend myself, and even with all the people that remark that I'm huge and that I do martial arts, it doesn't help my confidence,as when anxiety hits, I forget all that. My biggest fear is however, what if I'll remain like this for the rest of my life. One more year in this town and I'm going to university in a big city. My therapist says that it will pass. Also, good t mention that she is certified in brainspotting and I do it quite often, and she says that this works, even if I feel significant benefits yet.The anxiety that I fell is very intense, it is like a surge of fear passing through my body followed by weakness and my heard beating really fast, and a really unreal feeling.
I'm sick of this, it is very taxing to feel like this every time I go out, I have to quite often. It causes distress even in the days when I don't. Lately It is constantly on my mind,and I'm afraid I will go overboard when faced with a similar situation, in the case I don't freeze. What bothers me even more, is that I used to enjoy night walks, sometimes being the only release in these horrible years. Also, I barely have support from friends, as I don't fully trust anyone anymore. Don't get me wrong, I have good friends, just now someone who could understand this. I find it hard to think it isn't likely to happen again, that it was twice in a year and all that. Please, tell me what you think about this and offer me any advice you have. And I hope you don't mind if I'll post more details as I remember because my heart is racing even as I type this.
Okay, so some things about me. I'm 18, I live in a small town, and am in an area of my life where I don't have a lot of free time because I want to get into medical school. Throughout the last four years, some things have happened to me, leaving me with something resembling anhedonia(more on this in a moment). So, at the beginning of high school,4 years earlier, I was suffering from social anxiety,which most probably stemmed from body image issues. Because of not being able to get along with the rest of the class, and being persecuted by teachers for my long hair, along with my first breakup made me slip into a depression that took about 5 months. After it ended, my feelings, instead of coming back to life, almost totally disappeared, as if the world turned grey. Now, this isn't what I want to talk about, but it's significant,being tied to what I'm about to say. All in all, I got past my anxieties, after I started training and lifting weights, which made me gain huge confidence, and being able to talk to girls without fear,something I was never able to do before. In spite of this, no happiness ensued. This led me to a lot of bad thought patterns, which I'm still trying to lose such as overanalysis.
Alright, now onto the point. In my town, there is a lot of stigma placed on people with long hair,leading to people picking on me, sometimes leading to street fights. Now, before I say anything else, this was simply reality for me. I knew I could fight and defend myself,having done it before, even when I had anxiety issues. However throughout these last years I was jumped multiple times for the same reason, once leading to me being hit with a metal whip multiple times, and usually having to take punches from 6 people and still hit back and make my escape just so I could get the girl I was with home safely. The last time I was jumped created some anxiety resulting in me being uneasy when walking past the place it happened, but then I was relatively back to normal. However,something was wrong. One night, when walking with a friend, we were surrounded by 4 guys, they were drunk and probably drugged up and, skipping the details I got punched once. Now, mind you, I'm 6 ft tall and really big, having been lifting weights for quite some time,and with previous experience fighting. However, I simply froze. In retrospect, we could have beaten them up easily,but whatever. After that I kept remembering the incident with the 6 guys and more anxiety ensued, however it then died down a little.
When school began, I realized that I needed to get my problems sorted out or I'll probably die unhappy, even on a mound of money.I forgot to say that since my first relationship, I wasn't able to feel love anymore. Caring about someone,sure, but not love. Also, after the last incident, I started kickboxing to be able to defend myself. However, each sparring session is a trigger for me, and it has been like this for three months almost. I'm still doing it in the hope that I will get used to being punched and continue fighting. Also I have been having huge anxiety going alone at night, being startled by noises, screams in the distance, groups of multiple people or people with hoods on or anything that reminds me of what happened. What's worse it that when I'm calm, I know that I could probably defend myself, and even with all the people that remark that I'm huge and that I do martial arts, it doesn't help my confidence,as when anxiety hits, I forget all that. My biggest fear is however, what if I'll remain like this for the rest of my life. One more year in this town and I'm going to university in a big city. My therapist says that it will pass. Also, good t mention that she is certified in brainspotting and I do it quite often, and she says that this works, even if I feel significant benefits yet.The anxiety that I fell is very intense, it is like a surge of fear passing through my body followed by weakness and my heard beating really fast, and a really unreal feeling.
I'm sick of this, it is very taxing to feel like this every time I go out, I have to quite often. It causes distress even in the days when I don't. Lately It is constantly on my mind,and I'm afraid I will go overboard when faced with a similar situation, in the case I don't freeze. What bothers me even more, is that I used to enjoy night walks, sometimes being the only release in these horrible years. Also, I barely have support from friends, as I don't fully trust anyone anymore. Don't get me wrong, I have good friends, just now someone who could understand this. I find it hard to think it isn't likely to happen again, that it was twice in a year and all that. Please, tell me what you think about this and offer me any advice you have. And I hope you don't mind if I'll post more details as I remember because my heart is racing even as I type this.
