Ptsd Is Drowning Me

[lostandfound]

Right now I feel like this PTSD thing is drowning me. Everything I do is effected. I ignored it sooooo very long that now it hits me all at once. I have dealt with bits and pieces over the years, but never like this!

In the past, thearapists have told me to say it and be DONE with it...dont linger, just forgive and forget! Just wipe your hands clean and it will all be OK. That worked for about a year until another trigger popped up and it all boiled over again! then what I never dealt with was bigger and uglier than before!

Now I have to deal with it again and with a vengance. My father is the brunt of this deal! My mother is too, but cannot handle the responsibility, so I cannot say a word to her. I really just have to talk it out and deal with it one day at a time. Boy is it painful and hard and not very fair. I hate PTSD.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Welcome LostandFound!

I'm so glad you found this forum, and I hope you soon feel very much at home.

Oh, boy... the "Forgive and Forget" denial trap. Trips up a lot of people, but unless the trauma issues are genuinely and fully dealt with first, all the forget-it stuff doesn't work (as you're painfully discovering). it's just putting a blanket over the whole mess, and pretending it doesn't exist. All the while the crud is simmering away.

I'm glad you're finally dealing with this. It's not going to go away with wishful, magical thinking. If your father was abusive, and your Mother an enabler, you have a lot of, as you say, painful, hard and unfair work ahead of you.

The good news is, it gets better as you honestly and deeply work through all this. You'll come out of it a transformed person, if you've found a really good trauma therapist to help you through this, now.

Welcome, LostandFound... I hope you grow to love this healing place and the wonderful, supportive, compassionate people here as much as I do. There are a lot of healing, helpful resources here.
Warmly,
Deer

 

[lostandfound]

Thanks Deer. I do appreciate the reply. I had a hard time even writing the words and was scared to see that no one would reply at all. I think that I am certianly not alone here and wish that there was a place in my town to talk to others face to face, but so glad that we have this safe online deal to work with instead!

Yes, I am now telling my father outright what how his abandonment felt to me. He left me so alone with a very ill mother. During my 18 years of hell, I held my own and dont have a clue how I did it. If I look at my little girl "self", I just want to cry for her and hold her and pick her up and run away with her to give her a life....a real life! I have never looked at my little girl self. she is so sad, so alone, so hurt, so scared. The world forgot her and now I am here to heal that wound. Unfortunatly, that little girl is me, and that pain is mine. One foot infront of the other, one tear at a time.

Thanks for your support!

 

[amethist]

Hi lostandfound

Welcome to the forum.

Take your time with everything, don't rush at any of this. Dealing with trauma alone is extremely difficult, but at least now you are not completely alone with any of it.

As DIH said "Forgiving and forgetting", is not possible, until you can deal with the trauma fully and in a controlled way.

This may mean searching for a therapist who understands PTSD well, if you can. A good therapist will help you to work through your issues, to a point where you can confront your father, in a controlled yet assertive way. In a way he cannot fail to understand, and not be able to throw it back at you, in any way, shape or form.

It will not be easy, it will take time, but it is possible.

Take care, and keep posting, it does help.

Amethist

 

[Marie E.]

Welcome to the Forum Lostandfound!