Cheerios007
New Here
I've read through a few other threads in here, but I decided to post my own thread instead of jacking someone else's thread with my essay reply.
I've been dating a man with PTSD for 2 years. I've been in military relationships and have military parents, so I was fortunate enough to already know a little about PTSD, and in general, living with someone in and recently out of the military.
I happened to find my bf after he had sort of...been through it all, so to say. He loves to tell stories about his life, and it's easy to see just through them how he has been affected and changed not just from the military, but from his injuries and PTSD.
Within 6 months of the relationship we had both seen our best sides and our worst sides, so if I wanted to get out then, I could have. But I didn't, despite the lowest lows. He's had a few really bad times since then, and I've done my best to accommodate him through either my absence or my presence.
So...what we're at here now is 2 years in, and another fight surfacing. I know the signs. I was just at his place for about a week, where life was bliss, as it normally is when we're in person. I leave, and issues start. I accidentally interject too early in his sentence, I forgot to mail something out the first day back at home, I misunderstand something and he has to repeat himself, I go totally absent minded or get distracted by someone else while on the phone and he has to repeat himself... Some days he can handle it, but some days his anger shoots through the roof...he gets VERY mad when he has to repeat himself...repeatedly.
I'm just... I don't think I can fight for us through another fight. The last fight we had was explosive, ending in him throwing all of my stuff out of his apartment because of a huge misunderstanding over him telling me he loved me for the first time. And when I told him I wasn't leaving he cradled me and held me and thanked me for not leaving. I know he wants me in his life, I know we love each other, but I don't know if I can stay in a relationship where I feel like the entire thing rests on my shoulders. What -I- do that irritates him, what -I- do that angers him, what -I- do that causes issues, and what I'm willing to do to keep us together.
The reason I ask if it's just me...is that I know I have problems, too. I have ADHD with severe memory problems at times, and I am sometimes hard of hearing. To the point that last night, when he texted that this was the second night he was going to bed annoyed, I can not for the life of me remember what happened the previous night that would make that the second night. But a week from now, I'll remember. I know that can be hard on any relationship...
I've tried to explain to him my problems...but I just don't think he understands. It is to the point that we had a serious discussion about me going to a clinical trial for adults with ADHD. (Not for his sake, but for me) He wasn't very supportive, as he doesn't like medications, but I told him it's something that I need to try and I would appreciate if he would just keep an open mind and try to let me know what changes he sees if I do in fact get into the trial. I brought it up a second time, as I have a screening appointment on the 25th, and he seemed to have forgotten that we talked about it and kept asking 'why'. I don't use the term very often, but I think this counts as irony...
What is really hurting is that I have explained to him my memory issues, my inability to focus, and things like that, and he doesn't seem to retain that information. The next time I forget to do something, like that package, it's 'Your procrastinating is going to ruin your daughter's life, like putting off sending that package, she's not going to be prepared for school...' so on and so fourth. He tends to think the worst and lump everything in this detrimental pile of bad traits and purposeful neglect on my part.
But...he apologizes to me, he tries to explain himself, he tries to understand, but it comes in such rare talks of his faults and what they are doing to me, him, and the relationship, that it feels like too little, too late.
I've been in abusive relationships, both family and lover, including emotional, verbal, physical, and mental abuse. I know I've been in denial before... I truly do not think he is intentionally abusing me in any way, shape, or form. I don't think he gets off on my guilt or sadness, or revels in watching me fight for us while he pulls strings to make me do it, or anything of the sort. I'm just not sure if his attitude is caused by his PTSD, or if it's him just being mean/exaggerating and insensitive.
I understand that disconnect, distance, and negative thoughts are a part of PTSD. That depression, mood swings, and emotional instability are part of it, too. As an aspiring therapist and someone with a sensitive sense of empathy, I truly do try to understand what he is going through, what I do that affects him, what our lives do to exacerbate our conditions...
But at the end of the day, I'm wondering if it might be best for us if we discontinue our relationship. He has said many times that I am his muse, and I am his sanity... However, as I've seen people say in regards to relationships with people with PTSD, at some point you have to put your own sanity ahead of theirs. I've never said to myself, 'Just one more week, and we'll see if it gets better' or 'I'll wait until he isn't as upset so nothing bad happens.' so I'm not just perpetuating some relationship I've been wishing to end for some long time... But I do fear for his safety, and the safety of those around him should I leave him.
When I'm at home, I unintentionally become unreachable at times...leaving my phone in another room, the house is large and loud and there are times I'm doing things where I can't glue my phone to my face. After a particularly long day of running around and leaving my phone in various places, I will have multiple missed calls from him. Last week when I was at his house he told me about a nightmare he had... That I had gone home, and he was in his kitchen and had somehow fell and landed on a knife that went through his skull. As a medic, he knew that he wasn't coming back from that, so he didn't even bother calling 911. Instead, he called me...over, and over, and over, and over again, and I never answered. He said that he didn't really want to tell me about that nightmare...and I feel like his fears of being abandoned cause him to push me away, which is commonly discussed about PTSD.
On top of that, my daughter (no relation to him) absolutely adores him, and he is an amazing parental figure to her most of the time. (She does not call him daddy or any of that weird stuff, but she does tell him she loves him)
His post-military attitude, without considering the PTSD, causes him to push a lot of people away. We've had a very hard time making friends, and I am the only person he regularly speaks to or interacts with in a positive manner.
I don't...know...what to do. I couldn't possibly be more understanding, there isn't a talk we can have that will end well unless it is the final talk and I've decided to leave...there isn't a change I could, should, or shouldn't have made that will help... I can't fix my problems without medication, and I can't go on medication without causing an issue between us solely by choosing to take medication.
Speaking of talks, it is SO hard to talk to him... It's like walking on eggshells. He hates liars, and he wants the truth, so when I bring things up to him that have been bothering me it always gets turned on me. Why didn't I say it sooner, why have I been acting fine if it bothers me so much, why don't I leave if I bother him. I said one time that he was saying stupid a little too much that day, even if it was jokes (cause we thrive on playing with each other, laughter is our medicine), and for the next freaking week if he ever said it at all he was like, 'Oh, whoops, is that laying it on too thick?' or 'Oh no, I said the s word, but it was just a joke!'
I've spent nearly the whole day typing this up, trying to get my thoughts together, trying to think it over... In that time, he has called me and talked about his day, and clearly is in a much better mood, because the VA is finally starting his dental work and he managed to get good, friendly dentists...which means the fight is probably off.
But the question(s) still stands... Is it PTSD or is he just a mean person? I mean, he has a jerk-like demeanor when he's playing, but that's his thing... Should I just suck it up, prepare for the worst, and have some big talk with him? I have never demanded or asked him to change, although I know he has changed some things as everyone does in a relationship, but... I don't know. I honestly have no idea. Maybe this thread was more about getting it off my chest somewhere, because I think the truth is there is no advice or answer for coping with an injured veteran with PTSD, you either can or you can't.
I'll stop rambling on, now. Heh.
I've been dating a man with PTSD for 2 years. I've been in military relationships and have military parents, so I was fortunate enough to already know a little about PTSD, and in general, living with someone in and recently out of the military.
I happened to find my bf after he had sort of...been through it all, so to say. He loves to tell stories about his life, and it's easy to see just through them how he has been affected and changed not just from the military, but from his injuries and PTSD.
Within 6 months of the relationship we had both seen our best sides and our worst sides, so if I wanted to get out then, I could have. But I didn't, despite the lowest lows. He's had a few really bad times since then, and I've done my best to accommodate him through either my absence or my presence.
So...what we're at here now is 2 years in, and another fight surfacing. I know the signs. I was just at his place for about a week, where life was bliss, as it normally is when we're in person. I leave, and issues start. I accidentally interject too early in his sentence, I forgot to mail something out the first day back at home, I misunderstand something and he has to repeat himself, I go totally absent minded or get distracted by someone else while on the phone and he has to repeat himself... Some days he can handle it, but some days his anger shoots through the roof...he gets VERY mad when he has to repeat himself...repeatedly.
I'm just... I don't think I can fight for us through another fight. The last fight we had was explosive, ending in him throwing all of my stuff out of his apartment because of a huge misunderstanding over him telling me he loved me for the first time. And when I told him I wasn't leaving he cradled me and held me and thanked me for not leaving. I know he wants me in his life, I know we love each other, but I don't know if I can stay in a relationship where I feel like the entire thing rests on my shoulders. What -I- do that irritates him, what -I- do that angers him, what -I- do that causes issues, and what I'm willing to do to keep us together.
The reason I ask if it's just me...is that I know I have problems, too. I have ADHD with severe memory problems at times, and I am sometimes hard of hearing. To the point that last night, when he texted that this was the second night he was going to bed annoyed, I can not for the life of me remember what happened the previous night that would make that the second night. But a week from now, I'll remember. I know that can be hard on any relationship...
I've tried to explain to him my problems...but I just don't think he understands. It is to the point that we had a serious discussion about me going to a clinical trial for adults with ADHD. (Not for his sake, but for me) He wasn't very supportive, as he doesn't like medications, but I told him it's something that I need to try and I would appreciate if he would just keep an open mind and try to let me know what changes he sees if I do in fact get into the trial. I brought it up a second time, as I have a screening appointment on the 25th, and he seemed to have forgotten that we talked about it and kept asking 'why'. I don't use the term very often, but I think this counts as irony...
What is really hurting is that I have explained to him my memory issues, my inability to focus, and things like that, and he doesn't seem to retain that information. The next time I forget to do something, like that package, it's 'Your procrastinating is going to ruin your daughter's life, like putting off sending that package, she's not going to be prepared for school...' so on and so fourth. He tends to think the worst and lump everything in this detrimental pile of bad traits and purposeful neglect on my part.
But...he apologizes to me, he tries to explain himself, he tries to understand, but it comes in such rare talks of his faults and what they are doing to me, him, and the relationship, that it feels like too little, too late.
I've been in abusive relationships, both family and lover, including emotional, verbal, physical, and mental abuse. I know I've been in denial before... I truly do not think he is intentionally abusing me in any way, shape, or form. I don't think he gets off on my guilt or sadness, or revels in watching me fight for us while he pulls strings to make me do it, or anything of the sort. I'm just not sure if his attitude is caused by his PTSD, or if it's him just being mean/exaggerating and insensitive.
I understand that disconnect, distance, and negative thoughts are a part of PTSD. That depression, mood swings, and emotional instability are part of it, too. As an aspiring therapist and someone with a sensitive sense of empathy, I truly do try to understand what he is going through, what I do that affects him, what our lives do to exacerbate our conditions...
But at the end of the day, I'm wondering if it might be best for us if we discontinue our relationship. He has said many times that I am his muse, and I am his sanity... However, as I've seen people say in regards to relationships with people with PTSD, at some point you have to put your own sanity ahead of theirs. I've never said to myself, 'Just one more week, and we'll see if it gets better' or 'I'll wait until he isn't as upset so nothing bad happens.' so I'm not just perpetuating some relationship I've been wishing to end for some long time... But I do fear for his safety, and the safety of those around him should I leave him.
When I'm at home, I unintentionally become unreachable at times...leaving my phone in another room, the house is large and loud and there are times I'm doing things where I can't glue my phone to my face. After a particularly long day of running around and leaving my phone in various places, I will have multiple missed calls from him. Last week when I was at his house he told me about a nightmare he had... That I had gone home, and he was in his kitchen and had somehow fell and landed on a knife that went through his skull. As a medic, he knew that he wasn't coming back from that, so he didn't even bother calling 911. Instead, he called me...over, and over, and over, and over again, and I never answered. He said that he didn't really want to tell me about that nightmare...and I feel like his fears of being abandoned cause him to push me away, which is commonly discussed about PTSD.
On top of that, my daughter (no relation to him) absolutely adores him, and he is an amazing parental figure to her most of the time. (She does not call him daddy or any of that weird stuff, but she does tell him she loves him)
His post-military attitude, without considering the PTSD, causes him to push a lot of people away. We've had a very hard time making friends, and I am the only person he regularly speaks to or interacts with in a positive manner.
I don't...know...what to do. I couldn't possibly be more understanding, there isn't a talk we can have that will end well unless it is the final talk and I've decided to leave...there isn't a change I could, should, or shouldn't have made that will help... I can't fix my problems without medication, and I can't go on medication without causing an issue between us solely by choosing to take medication.
Speaking of talks, it is SO hard to talk to him... It's like walking on eggshells. He hates liars, and he wants the truth, so when I bring things up to him that have been bothering me it always gets turned on me. Why didn't I say it sooner, why have I been acting fine if it bothers me so much, why don't I leave if I bother him. I said one time that he was saying stupid a little too much that day, even if it was jokes (cause we thrive on playing with each other, laughter is our medicine), and for the next freaking week if he ever said it at all he was like, 'Oh, whoops, is that laying it on too thick?' or 'Oh no, I said the s word, but it was just a joke!'
I've spent nearly the whole day typing this up, trying to get my thoughts together, trying to think it over... In that time, he has called me and talked about his day, and clearly is in a much better mood, because the VA is finally starting his dental work and he managed to get good, friendly dentists...which means the fight is probably off.
But the question(s) still stands... Is it PTSD or is he just a mean person? I mean, he has a jerk-like demeanor when he's playing, but that's his thing... Should I just suck it up, prepare for the worst, and have some big talk with him? I have never demanded or asked him to change, although I know he has changed some things as everyone does in a relationship, but... I don't know. I honestly have no idea. Maybe this thread was more about getting it off my chest somewhere, because I think the truth is there is no advice or answer for coping with an injured veteran with PTSD, you either can or you can't.
I'll stop rambling on, now. Heh.
