Relationship Ptsd Or The End Of The Relationship?

[PTSD Punchbag]

My partner was abandoned by her father at 7, when he eventually re-surfaced with his new wife she was expected to accept it, behave and move on with no sensitivity or room for emotion given. To this day she was always made to feel like the black sheep of the family, just a burden. He effectively abandoned her both emotionally & practically.
At the same time her mother suffered a breakdown & was sectioned, she would only allow her to address her by her name & was very disinterested - essentially she was emotionally neglected. Later my partner ran away from home, returning pregnant with her 1st child at 19, this relationship failed & quickly led her towards her future husband & the father or her 2nd child. He was a dangerous & controlling man, over the next 7 years he did all the very worst of things you might expect a bad man could do to his wife.

I met her in May 2010, I was 29 & she 27. We had the most incredibly beautiful relationship, open, fun, adventurous, friendly, balanced, reasonable. I had found my soul-mate no doubts. We moved in together after a year (in to the same house where she had been abused) & for the next 3 years things were blissful. She was a difficultly messy & disorganised housemate, & sometimes a rather disorganised & arms-length mother. It appeared that our values on home & family were not always in-line, but nothing we should not have been able to overcome, we were still so in-tune with each other & she clearly loved me like nothing before.

By May 2013, we were bickering occasionally about her mess (she is uncommonly messy, eg our bedroom is knee deep in her clothes & she would always leave days of washing up), the bulk of the housework & running around fell to me. it just wasn't important to her (yet seeming neither was my comfort). I found this completely selfish & she did little about it for me - yet we still had a great time together.

By May 2014 she had become really aggressively defensive & occasionally volatile, she had hugely thrown herself into her interest in gym & training for marathon running to the extent that everything else took second place. All our plans became centred around it & she was rigidly inflexible & defensive of it. She seemed really disconnected & down, she knew she had needed to see someone about her past eventually so unbeknownst to me she explored EMDR therapy with a therapist that summer..........

BANG !!!!

She was gone !! Suddenly becoming nasty, vindictive, angry, distanced, disinterested, volatile & with no let-up - I literally did not recognise her !
I reluctantly retreated to my parents house for a couple of weeks, I was not qualified to deal with this & hoped it might provoke a change, instead I think it just made her feel abandoned.

We kind-of sorted things out after re-visiting the therapist, but things deteriorated quietly over the course of the coming year. She completely avoided & cut my family from her life, no longer meeting on family occasions, she was always on her phone/ Facebook/ out at the gym/ running - you name it she was doing it.
It became really invalidating, I felt unappreciated & devalued & stressed by it all, eventually my interest in sex vanished, I stopped working out, became demotivated (the opposite of her !) - I guess I was under more stress than I realised, I missed her so much. The sex was clearly an issue of rejection for her but I couldn't help it, it wasn't even the sex I missed, it was her smile, the look in her eyes, & the way she would be so affectionate & clearly just appreciate me so deeply just for being me.

By 2015 I had realised that whatever was wrong was beyond our control I was about to suggest counselling when she dropped the bombshell - she wanted to Break-up; 'she loved me but wasn't IN love with me' !

We underwent counselling, she upped & downed with really confusing behaviour & mixed signals of 'I love you' - 'I don't love you' - 'I don't know if I love you' !
I learned a lot about myself. While throughout this time we received a diagnosis of PTSD I barely factored it in - I was too preoccupied with repairing her perceived differences between us (little did I realise at the time that it was all largely attributable to PTSD).
She ultimately broke things off in August, I begged to continue with the counselling, something was not right about all of it.

We never broke contact, by Sept she begged me to forgive her, explaining that she had been in a bubble all year since the EMDR & wanted us to be a family again.
I returned home again, expecting to help her through this & work on things together. However we barely spoke of it, when I brought up PTSD it was met with avoidance or anger.
Occasionally she would open up about her experiences but she was SO distant & avoidant, she was barely at home, when she was she was head-down on her phone etc & there was no intimacy/sex. The NHS offered CBT therapy but each therapist cut the sessions stating that she was too complex for them & re diagnosing her with 'Complex-PTSD'.

We had an amazing night at a x-mas party, just like it was in the beginning, (this was the last time we had sex). We spent a week away in the country over new year & she became really relaxed & open, yet as the new year kicked in she withdrew again. I managed to get her onto anti-depressants (fluoxetine) which seemed to immediately increase her mood - but that was it, the avoidance, volatility, negativity, sexual disinterest, & emotional numbness all still remained.

While she was only on week 5 of her anti-depressant medication (Fluoxetine) they take 6-8 weeks to kick-in. I have also since learned that Fluoxitine can make things worse before they get better, can cause an emotional low point after the settling in period AND even when working properly can cause further emotional numbing (which has brought into question the value of its use for PTSD sufferers !)

She has announced again that she wants to end the relationship. Again she says she loves me (probably closer than ever) but that there is no attraction, she is not 'IN' love with me. That she feels 'numb'. Obviously I tried to talk her out of this decision highlighting that all of these feelings could have been influenced by PTSD - no use (probably just made her feel like a diagnosis).

She had asked me what I would do if she ended things, I foolishly suggested that I'd probably really struggle & have to cut all ties. This was a stupid thing to say, especially to someone who has been abandoned by all the men in her life - I didn't really think this through
The truth was, I didn't know what I'd do - She is my best friend, I couldn't be without her, especially while knowing she is suffering !!


I work away as a firefighter for 4 days a week, on my first day away (01st March 2016) she put this into a text asking me not to contact her, (she also removed me from wassap & Facebook)- On day 24 I'm still waiting, I was advised by a counsellor to leave her alone & not to go home.

I hate those responsible for what they have put her through, what they have done to her.
I just wanted to be the best human being possible for her & give her all the love she always deserved. I hate her ex-husband for even managing to destroy our happy-ending to the misery he caused her.

I fear that I may have learned what was going on a little too late to be sensitive to it, to not take it personally & to educate myself sufficiently to avoid hurting her & triggering perceptions of control/ manipulation. I spend my life rescuing people every day, but I'm powerless to save the only person I have ever really cared about.

I know this is not her, she is not herself she is PTSD all over. But she is a real person behind it all too - I'm left wondering;

Was this her decision or PTSD's/ Fluoxetine's
Does it even make any difference ?!
Will I hear from her again?
When?
Did I scare her into shutting me out for good when I suggested that I would want to cut all ties?!
Will she still want to end if / when I do?
I had managed to line her up with as much 'human givens' therapy through a charity as necessary, but I can't tell her about it
How are the kids? They have been as affected by this as me but now I can't even be there for them to pick up the pieces

In addition to which, I have once again had my heart torn out of my chest & stamped on by the most important person in my life

Anyone got any ideas?!
Any sufferers with anything enlightening to offer on this particular case?

Kind Regards,

PTSD Punchbag

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you have no choice but to assume she made the decision. The alternative is to blame it all on PTSD but this is incredibly invalidating.

I have no idea if you will ever hear from her or possibly when. (Everyone with PTSD is different; every situation is different.)

Please try not to blame yourself for expressing your thoughts/emotions. (Remember, you're allowed to have them; you're allowed to make mistakes!)

 

[PTSD Punchbag]

I think you have no choice but to assume she made the decision. The alternative is to blame it all...

Hi Eve,

Thank-you so much for the reply I have no idea what to do about repairing this. You're right while PTSD has undoubtably played a role in this it would be incredibly invalidating to suggest (which I cringe to admit I did suggest in one of my last texts),

It has been a month with no contact now, so I have had time to chill myself out about things & create a clearer image of what has led us here, & while PTSD played its part I have to acknowledge one or two of my own failings too.

This last two years has been hard for us, but I have a little more clarity now;

She is what she is PTSD or not, the upsetting thing is that I could have learned more & been much more tactful/sensitive from the start had we known about it.

While I was her knight in shining armour & totally awesome in the beginning she was probably experiencing things differently, she was undergoing an emotional journey I couldn't have understood. The cracks only showed after about 4 years but you can guarantee I would have been hitting sensitive nerves of hers right from the start, for an abandonment victim every little slight would have secretly sent a nerve impulse right to the core of her pain/insecurities & gradually eroded her sense of security in me. (I wonder to some degree whether I might even have become a trigger for stress/anxiety/abandonment issues).
At the end of the 'honeymoon period' (ours was around 3-4 yrs too) any couple will identify their differences & learn to work around &eco promise on them, I felt this was damaging for her, like in some way each of our differences were reinterpreted to her as me stating that she was not good enough.

When she began to find her feet & follow her own goals, it left little time for me & the kids. We gradually started doing less for 'us' or me & everything became about her own goals. This was frustrating & the cause of many arguments in which she probably interpreted as controlling (I did become increasingly critical of this until about September when I decided to keep a lid on it a bit to reduce pressure on her)
She did little around the home or to meet responsibilities too - all of this stuff would be fine on a short-term basis while she undertook therapy etc but not long term.
Unfortunately it went on for a long time before we even knew about any trauma/abandonment symptoms.

I'm reluctant to admit that while I don't view myself as having codependent issues as a person, Its pretty clear that I fell into the trap of a codependent role. Enabling her to follow her pursuits, reach her own goals & running round the house doing things which I knew would not get done unless I did them. All my own interests I used to enjoy (& share with her & the kids) went out the window
No wonder she 'loved me but was no longer IN love with me' - who would find that attractive !?!
(I picked a more fitting name than I realised in 'ptsd punchbag' !)

I had just started to become aware of it & address my role in it just before she dropped the bombshell, but I had been putting it down to the stress of living with her mental health problems (maybe that is all it was). I had a big emotional wobble when she ended it & part of the reason she cut contact is undoubtably to avoid my emotional conversations about staying together.

From a calmer & more balanced perspective, I accept her decision to end things I KNOW who I am & I know what she is & I want us to remain together regardless of the current problems - I know the difficulties which would lie ahead.

She's right to assert that 'it wasn't right' between us things had become dysfunctional, I can see a life for myself without her, I'm not driven exclusively by an emotional 'need' to get back with her. But that would definitely be my absolute preference & for us to remain in a relationship of some kind, with a view to rebuilding one in future. She hasn't undertaken any form of therapy to address her trauma yet which would definitely have to be the case if we were to even consider living together again.

I suspect that part of the reason she ended things in the way that she did was to protect herself from the fear of me cutting her off ('abandoning her) when she ended it.
Apart from the paradoxical no contact, we remained very very close. In neurotypical relationships, a couple 'growing apart', still being really really close & ending on "I love you but I'm not IN love with you' should leave the door wide open to rekindling those feelings & addressing poor behaviour patterns, but this has more dynamics in the mix !

I have been trying to write something to her to put in a letter, something which;
-aims to re-open some communication
-acknowledges each of our mistakes
-shows her I wouldn't have abandoned her like she feared
-doesn't seem all 'needy' & emotional
- doesn't put any pressure on her

Any ideas or suggestions or insights as always are massively appreciated because as always on here, things are rather complicated !

Many thanks & hugs all round ! X

 

[Friday]

Any ideas or suggestions or insights as always are massively appreciated because as always on here, things are rather complicated !

If you do get back together? Hire a maid.

I realize this may sound flippant, but I'm dead serious.

She is either incapable of cleaning or just sucks at it.
You get resentful and angry and lash out about it.
= Constant source of stress & conflict

Not everyone is good at everything. Being perpetually mad at someone because they're not as good as you are at something? (And it doesn't matter how "easy" it is for you, if it's really hard for them). Is no way to live. Nor is having someone being perpetually angry at you, or looking down their nose at you.

But if you DO hire a maid? It defeats the whole purpose to use the maid as a weapon*! Just as a friendly heads up. ;)

((We wouldn't have to have a maid if you did your fair share. Sigh. If we didn't have to pay the maid -because you suck- (or are completely incompetent) we could be doing XYZ fun & exciting thing. Etc. = All the same stress/ anger/ resentment/ lashing out, but now with a bill attached to it :P ))

If the point is to lower your stress AND have a clean house? Because it's too much work for you to do all on your own without getting stressed & resentful? Hire a maid.

I realize this is only one small part of a very big and complicated situation. But having been married 11 years? Small parts, that happen daily??? Are actually pretty damn huge. Removing a constant source of daily stress? Is one of those life altering OMFG paradigm shifts.

 

[PTSDPunchbag]

If you do get back together? Hire a maid.

I realize this may sound flippant, but I'm dead serious....

I appreciate the response but I think you were kind of missing the point

Right now I'm just focused on the best way to reinstate contact & rekindle the relationship.
Her PTSD is trauma & abandonment related so seems to contain a few similar traits of Borderline Personality disorder too (although she is def not fully BPD)

When she suggested that she 'loved me but wasn't IN love with me' she asked what I would do if she broke-up. Like a fool I said I would prob have to cut contact & move on (I don't know what made me say that, I didn't mean it)

I can also totally see why her attraction could have diminished, I'm not co-dependent by nature, but I have been drawn into behaving in an increasingly co-dependent manner, neglecting my own goals and interests in favour of supporting her.
-Nothing attractive about a man with no passion or ambition about him !

She is very high functioning & the relationship has never been abusive or violent.

So yeah, while I would def consider a maid in the future - it's a bit premature to be thinking about that at this stage!

She has ended all contact & removed me from social media etc. I have deliberately made no unnecessary contact at this point.
How do I go about re-initiating contact & rekindlin things ?

 

[joeylittle]

@PTSD Punchbag - please log in and post under your account. Thanks.