Ptsd Preventing The Development Of A Relationship

[LizardViolet]

Great job laying out your situation.

If I were you, I would NOT even be friends with this guy, though. He did not respect your boundaries. It took way too much effort on your part for him to get close to getting a clue. He is pushy and wants to go way, way too fast. He has not picked up ANY signals from you.

I sincerely hope that he will stop bugging you, and I recommend that you keep your "I am NOT interested in a relationship, go away" speech in your back pocket.

For general relationship advice and terrific stuff about keeping healthy boundaries and noticing and steering clear of relationships that turn into trouble, in addition to this site, I recommend Captain Awkward, at captainawkward.com. She's got extensive archives and there's a very supportive community that speaks up in the comments sections (which are moderated, so you won't find creeps and jerks being jerky in the comments).

 

[Nebulustrix]

Liz - I wanted to give him that speech yesterday, and think it would have made the situation much simpler and faster, but it would have had a far higher possibility of becoming confrontational, and my fear of that kept me from doing it.

I know that's the next thing I'm going to have to work up to if he starts bugging me again, which based on his behavior he probably will. I predict.... within about a month. So that at least gives me a little time to prep myself and try to ensure the confrontation happens in a "safe" setting and that I have checks and balances in place to hold me to it, so I don't back out.

I like the back pocket analogy, and maybe that visualization will help me feel ready to handle it. Also, thanks for the Captain Awkward suggestion! I will definitely check it out.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Well done you! I don't have PTSD and would still have been incredibly tempted to just ignore any attempts at contact from the guy, it took real guts for you to agree to meet with him, stand your ground about the terms of the meeting, and tell him what you needed to say.

I don't understand how he can say that you are 'the one' and that he is in love with you when he obviously wants you to change.

It really annoys me when people talk about how my guy was different before the PTSD and refer to him then as 'normal'. I fell in love with the guy he is now, PTSD and all. If he improves, then that's great for him and obviously I want him to be well, but I want that for him not for me IYSWIM.

Again, very impressed with your strength and grace :)

 

[Jenfa]

I don't think Mother Teresa would put up with that guy for long. I'd say you have patience that I envy. It'd be like "I miss you!" and then I'd be like "Thanks, genius." I used to be so serious when it came to people's feelings but some of em are really, really stupid :\

 

[Badger]

Well thanks for showing me how my lover who suffers from ptsd might view my texting. ;) We have known each for a few months now but the dating is a fairly new thing. I felt a little sorry for your guy until you described the park episode. Seriously, 2 hours of texting re: discussing a 5 minute walk? That can only be called crazy and inconsiderate.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Badger-

The texting is a trigger for me, but might not be for your companion. It bothered me immensely because my ex used the phone as a mechanism to control the relationship, and we had several fights over responses I would give to texts/calls that he thought were insensitive or made him jealous/worried/etc. He wanted to read/listen-in-on all my texts and calls with others, and at first I didn't mind at all. I thought that allowing him to do so would show him how much I trusted him, and that he could trust me as I had nothing to hide from him.

However, he would become upset if he thought I wasn't texting my parents enough about the good things he was doing for me, or how great he was, so that they would like him. He'd become upset if I was texting friends more than him, or sharing personal information with them he thought I should be keeping to myself. He'd become upset if I didn't send him cute little lovey-dovey messages to show my affection for him. He'd become upset if I was contacting male friends, and wanted me to cut myself off from them to show my devotion to him. And he wanted me to send texts and/or make calls that were chewing out my friends for little things they'd say or do in order to put them in their place and "stand up for myself" (as he put it).

Sooooo many of our first fights were tied to communications through the phone (texting and/or calling). I've never been much of a phone user, but since this relationship, my usage has dropped to almost nil. And I almost never put anything emotional behind any of my phone communications - it's typically all business.

This makes any excessive phone communications a major trigger for my PTSD, especially any that are heavily emotional. And it was another major trigger for this guy to be expressing so much emotion so early in the relationship. It felt like he was getting ready to offer a proposal already, and we hardly knew each other.

 

[Nebulustrix]

I know this thread has long gone silent, but I came across something last night that made me want to come back to it, at least for a moment. I've been working, slowly, on a novel that I hope to eventually publish which would be a fictional romance with the main character based on myself. The purpose of writing this is to explore domestic violence (my previous relationship), PTSD, and step away from the typical pattern of romances where people seem to just come together as if they were meant to be. I have some other novels I'm working on that are completely different and am taking this one slowly because I want it to be "real" - so I'm not really writing it in order and am taking it scene by scene as the feelings and inspiration flow.

Well last night I was feeling some inspiration for another scene and came across the one I had written out previously and forgotten about. This scene is a depiction of almost exactly what I was going through when I wrote this thread, and I wrote it several months ago! Talk about precognition, lol. I felt a sense of dramatic irony reading back over it and just wanted to share it here.

“Why do you keep avoiding me?” he asked her backside. She kept walking as if she hadn’t heard him, though he knew darned well she’d seen him arrive. Her body had tensed slightly at his approach, her lips pursed and her eyes narrowed in silent acknowledgement of his presence. He hated that his proximity discomfited her so, but could think of no reasonable explanation for her emotional distress. He’d done nothing to harm her; she wouldn’t even give him the chance to get close to her and it was utterly frustrating.
He rushed past her and turned to face her, forcing her to stop and turn about to avoid stepping intimately close. He raised his hands in defensive exasperation, but at least she’d stopped. “Look… I know you’ve been hurt, but I’m not the one that hurt you. Whatever you’re afraid of, it isn’t me. Just give me a chance.”
Her eyes finally met his, but she remained turned away from him, her posture closed and protective, and her expression was unreadable. “I’m not interested,” she said. “And if you don’t leave me alone, I’ll get a restraining order.”
“That’s just ridiculous. You get a restraining order on every guy that asks you out on a date? How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not going to hurt you? I’ve been jumping through hoops here just to get you to let me take you out to dinner. I don’t know why. I probably should have given up a long time ago, but there’s just something about you… I want to get to know you better. I want to peel back the layers of that hard exterior, break down your walls, and see that soft center I know is in there.”
He paused to examine her expression, looking for even the slightest inkling of understanding, a willingness to open up. She was listening to him, but she appeared to be holding her ground out of fear rather than the pull of his words. As if she thought her stoicism would let him run his course until he gave up and left her alone. Her stillness reminded him of a deer caught in the headlights – frozen in place in an instinctive reaction to avoid a predator, though the “car” kept barreling toward her.
He took a step toward her, wanting to place a comforting hand on her shoulder to draw her attention, but she reciprocated his step closer with a step of her own – further away, her eyes caged.
“Please…” his voice turned softer now, and he lost the confrontational stance he hadn’t even realized he’d taken. “Call me a hopeless romantic, but I love you.”
“Love?” she replied, and while his heart skipped a beat to finally hear a response, her voice was like ice, her gaze gone cold. Instead of fear now, he sensed anger and disdain, and he couldn’t understand it. “You don’t love me! You hardly even know me!”
“I do love you, and I want to know you,” he cajoled, but she spoke over him.
“You don’t know what love is if that’s what you consider this crazed infatuation. You feel attraction and curiosity and likely aren’t used to being rejected, so my rebuffs make me seem mysterious and intriguing, and you’ve risen to the challenge. Your desire for what seems unattainable increasing and driving you to obsession, but those feelings are not love, and the harder you try to prove otherwise the more firmly you cement my adamant disinterest in a man driven by his hormonal instincts.”

 

[Badger]

The character in your story sounds like a predator. (And I am a woman, but I dont have PTSD) The way he moves sends a different message then what he says. Sort of. It does bring to mind the question of whether or not all sexual desire is predatory, maybe people who feel it together at the same time are just preying on each other? I dont really think that, but I wonder if your main character does...
I think friendship, and respect, is the best way to start a relationship with someone with PTSD. My sufferer and I mutually decided its worth the wait. We are not Christian, and see nothing wrong in theory with having sex right away in a relationship, ( we have both done it in the past) but its probably not a good thing to do when you have PTSD. There's too many gestures, too many things that can get misinterpreted...We know its something we want, when we are ready.

Maybe you can trust something that starts as a friendship, and stays that way for months, even years before people start dating and acting romantic towards each other.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Badger -

I definitely agree with needing to start relationships as friendships, and I think that would be good advice even for people without PTSD. I think relationships will be more solid- far less likely to fail- if people start out just doing things together as friends, no stigma to do anything romantic or follow some sort of dating "code", and then let things build from there. It is a slower process, but can be much more healthy and rewarding than a rushed romance.

Also - the character in this scene is predatory, though he doesn't intend to be. I specifically wrote this scene from his point of view in order to draw out his mindset and how he sees himself and the "relationship" with the main character. He is acting purely on instinct/emotions/hormones and seeking the gratification of a relationship without considering how the person he is pursuing might feel about his unwanted advances. At the time of this scene, he has been pursuing her for some time and become a border-line stalker. I haven't written the ending to this scene yet, but the plan is for him to become angry with her for her rejection and (as always) act on his emotions and impulses and either forcefully grab her or attempt to hit her. Another man witnessing this intervenes, and that man is the one with whom the romance then unfolds.