Ptsd Relastionship Early Shut Out

[Boosted135i]

We've all made mistakes. This just sounds like one of those. Hang in there and good luck. Maybe slow it...

Haha slow it down is right... The weird thing was that she kept saying "good things take time" but then would completely just surrender to that ideal and move at light speed... I'm wrestling with the idea that this might be my fault for acquiescing... As if I had taken the initiative and slowed down things would have been different. Is this a mark of those suffering PTSD??

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I don't honestly know- sorry to be frank maybe she had some repressed sexual issues or something and needs to learn to control herself. Like I said we all live and learn like rocks in a tumbler. You can protect yourself by pacing it a bit in the future and try not to take this personally. She may have chosen some fantasy to separate herself some from a reality that was frustrating her. I have no idea. Everyone is different. ?? Its never 100% one or the other..

 

[Boosted135i]

Wow... You're incredibly spot on and in touch with these types of situations... It's uncanny... She kept mentioning me being the "bad boy" and it was almost like she was living something out in a fantasy world (btw, aside from tattoos I resemble nothing of the sort. I'm educated, good natured, family oriented, maybe smoke a few cigarettes and have a few cocktails here and there) I don't much like the idea of being used, especially when it's in the guise of an honest attempt at happiness. It's just so muddled and convoluted I don't know what to believe... I'm getting closer to the idea that these types of scenarios aren't meant to be understood. Just find the silver lining and move forward in a positive manner.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't think this is a shut out in the sense that she stills wants you to be her supporter in the sense of having a future relationship with her. I think this is a break up. :hug:

Respect her boundaries, no matter what, seek out some counseling to really work on the abandonment issues and how to go slower in relationships, have boundaries of your own, and let her go.

That is how you can best support her recovery, and work on your own healing too.

You are clearly really bright with a lot to offer the right person who is ready for a long term relationship. She wasn't it, my heart goes out to you.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Either way this is a great community- you are never alone and you never have to carry the load by yourself here. Helps with abandonment to not put all your eggs in one basket. It happens we all want the fantasy we are sold on how its supposed to be.. reality we all suck to a degree.. we all struggle and life is seldom as it "supposed" to be. I am a bit older just speaking from experience. Take care.

 

[Boosted135i]

I don't think this is a shut out in the sense that she stills wants you to be her supporter in the se...

If I could only get my head and heart working in conjunction, I might actually be dangerous :). I believe this is the right answer, too. As Rafiki says, "It's in the past". I have another question, if you'd be so kind, regarding the time we spent together. I had long hair, which she demanded I cut. She asked that I dress down a little more and cut out cigarettes. I did all of those... Why would she try to change me so much? I understand smoking is a bad habit but why the drastic change needing to be made. And why did I actually do it?

 

[Boosted135i]

Either way this is a great community- you are never alone and you never have to carry the load by yours...

I really appreciate it.. It's a nice place to be. There is no possible way I could explain this experience to anyone that I know personally without them looking at me funny. More importantly, the advice I get here from those with first hand experience is really helping me get back to the normal pace of my day; which is the important thing...

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I don't know that's pretty crazy.. don't let people control you so much. But the good news .. you quit smoking. :) Be happy about that. Congratulations- that is not an easy achievement and you should be proud about that.

 

[Boosted135i]

I don't know that's pretty crazy.. don't let people control you so much. But the good news .. you quit...

That's the thing that bothers me the most. She taught me how to be a better person. Her sensitivity made me aware of the things I can be better about. I'm in a professional environment where short hair is more acceptable. I shouldn't have smoked. Little lies hurt. Always be kind. It's like she came into my life to wake me up with this jolt of energy and inundation of feelings. Only to disappear.

Angels with their great handshakes are always done in such a hurry :/

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe she taught you some things, but she didn't change you. You changed you.

You may have done he things you didn't want to do because you wanted to be "good enough" for her and didn't want her to leave.

Some of the changes, like quitting smoking, were clearly for the good. You did that hard work, even if she encouraged you to do it, and I hope you don't lose sight of that.

For the things you may not have wanted to do and may not see as good changes, like cutting your hair, this may be an opportunity to learn to say no, to have boundaries in the future, and find someone who likes you just as you are.

Why would she try to change me so much? I understand smoking is a bad habit but why the drastic change needing to be made. And why did I actually do it?

Why? We can all speculate why, but only she can say why she did it. Maybe she was trying to push you until you rejected her or maybe her attempts to control you were way she was trying to escape her own emotions. Maybe she was trying to change you into the person she hope you could be forgetting who you actually are, maybe she has a personality disorder that makes her a little bit chaotic. There are probably numerous other possible explanations.

Something that may help tease out for yourself why you did it is to ask yourself the question how would you have felt if she had asked you to do those things and you didn't do it?

 

[scout86]

She had a couple breakdowns at dinner (I went to the bathroom for too long, etc.).

Why would she try to change me so much?

I don't have any actual answers for you, but those 2 things are AT LEAST pink flags, if they aren't red ones. I'm not real sure PTSD is her actual problem. At least not the only one. I'm not sure what you were dealing with there, but my gut tells me you might be lucky not to be dealing with it anymore.

You DO sound like a nice guy. Like someone else said, keep dealing with your own stuff and drive on. And welcome to the forum!

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I am not sure about your personal social network, but we all need people I think we can be real with and have actual conversations to activate our mirror neurons and be healthy. I would imagine it was less about control and more that you were open to these changes, but maybe the depression you mentioned was hindering you. You potentially ( I am not a therapist) took this opportunity to help yourself and change your image. Maybe your current social network lacks depth or maybe you just feel you can not be true to yourself there. We learn something from our interactions.. she is learning her own lessons also. Take the good let go of the bad. It was a rapid transfer of energy and you received some good out of it. Those good things are reassurance to the good with in you.. maybe there is a little low self esteem. Its ok. You made good choices.. I think she is not sure what she wants, anyhow we live and learn. And keep up the good work. Decide who you want to be and master that. You have that strength - you have a lot of will demonstrated by what you went through and your determination to quit smoking. Maybe you just needed a reason. We all do sometimes. Hang in there. I hear you about transient angels.. but thank God for them also.