Ptsd Relastionship Early Shut Out

[Justmehere]

Ok, maybe she is not taking responsibility for her actions. It happens. It stinks. The only thing you can do about that is to learn to have and keep boundaries in this relationship and further relationship.

In regards to the on-going accusations from her that you lied or manipulated her, which it sounds like she had been accusing you of quite routinely, it's another warning sign of no boundaries. She is trying to mind-read your intentions, be in your head, and you are failing to set and keep boundaries around her lashing out towards you.

We can sit here and lambast her all day for her failures to have boundaries, but at least she talks of getting herself into treatment and into recovery. She is trying to get help. She kept telling you she was "using" you and the relationship with you to escape doing her own work.

Her failures to take more complete responsibility don't excuse you from looking at your own stuff, and we ALL have stuff, PTSD or not.

I am concerned that you keep mentioning all the accusations and texting and demands, throwing things at you, and even 12 hours of verbal lashings and lots and lots of texting, and you fail to mention any boundaries you had with her regarding verbal lashings and sending so many texts.

Again, no separateness. No healthy boundaries on either side. She didn't respect your boundaries and limits and get to know you for you, and vice versa.

I don't care how much she insisted you be in a relationship with her. You said yes. You made that decision. Not her. You did.

If she forced you to be in the relationship with her through violence or etc, then that's something different, but you haven't mentioned anything of that sort. And if she did force you to be in the relationship and or she was texting to such an extreme she was harassing you, time to stop enabling her to do so and set some boundaries, be separate.

Being separate and tolerating differences and having boundaries doesn't mean allowing lashings and verbal abuse into your life. It doesn't mean just letting bad behavior happen continuously. It means saying no and if the behavior continues, walking away.

Her actions that were out of control and as you say she said she was doing, was "using" you, were showing you who she was. It's not like she hid her struggle from you.

You had a choice. Her behavior was not your fault - AND you had a choice to stay or walk away. You had a choice to say no.

Which is something you don't describe doing. Like ever. Now you were in the relationship not because she seemed like the perfect girl, but because she insisted you be in the relationship....

And yet when she leaves, you run over her boundaries to keep this horrible out of control person in your life. Because your fear of being separate was bigger than the pain of enduring her being out of control and using you.

You are trying to divest yourself of even owning your choice to be in the relationship in the first place and trying to put even that on her.

You deserve to be in a relationship where YOU can be known, respected, and loved for who you really are, and what your intentions really are. Not someone's internal projection of what they hope for or want or fear in another person.

You have a choice here. You can stay stuck in this pattern and keep getting really enmeshed in relationships and continue to hold poor boundaries between you and others, and such enmeshment will increase the chances future relationships will fail, and you will be abandoned again, and you will be even more enmeshed...

Or you can try something different. I hope that you do find a path forward and so that you don't repeat the pattern again in future relationships.

I wish you the best on your path in life!

 

[Boosted135i]

Like I said, lesson learned. I'll continue to hang around and learn more about this illness as I have friends (combat vets) who suffer from it as well. I'd also like to learn how I can volunteer/donate in order to further the advancements in treatment for this disease. I'm tired of bitching about it, I want to know what I can do to help. Any websites, volunteer groups that you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

 

[blackemerald1]

I commend you in the way you have come to this forum seeking answers regarding your recent break up, your candor & insightful comments were from your heart, you have a true heart & it got painfully broken by a person we don't know. It was your sorrow that brought you here. Sometimes, there can be lots of different perspectives, we are all individuals with our own experiences. At times I see people getting pissed off with that. But you took it in your stride. There is a lot of reading material on this site. The founder of this site is a Combat Vet. He & his lovely wife are always needing donations for all of us members from wherever we are around the world.
Do some reading here & if you choose donate here. Get involved here & you are certain to learn a lot of information. I think that moving forward, you will be a great forum member.
On a more personal note (as I peep over the lid of my basket lol) I hope I did not offend you with my dire warnings about how things might go if you keep trying to make Contact with your ex. Or, going to a good shrink to learn some new strategies for future relationship (s) & other stormy periods in your bright future. I am sorry if I did offend you but I did not mean to do so.

 

[Tinyflame]

From what I've read by those that are suffers regarding my feelings behaviors after the fact, I sense very little sense of self awareness of the impact that they have on supporters. Which is to say that their condition trumps the pain that they are inflicting on their SO. I've had a wine glass thrown at me, had her disappear into a parking lot with a stranger to call me and say come find me if you don't want me to get assaulted, berated for hours at a time, told that I'm loved, told that I'm good for recovery, only to be threatened with legal action after the fact for trying to talk out a reasonable conclusion. In the span of a month. That behavior is inexcusable. And to not take responsibility for any of it and then put the onus on me as if I am the root of her issues is not going to be bought by any rational person. What she's going through is hell, I saw a glimpse of it. But to take zero responsibility for one's actions is poor form; and does a number on someone (me). If she was so fragile in the first place, she would have at least (I hope) recognized this and realized that a relationship would only bring more hardship than positive outcomes. I'd be an idiot to believe that this is the first time she's pulled this stunt.

I don't think this is all necessarily ptsd.

 

[blackemerald1]

I totally agree, I assume you mean this thread & what conditions the women might be suffering from. I think there were underlying non disclosure's eg food, aggression, rapid aggressive behaviour & other behavior - not known by her perhaps or known but kept from @Boosted135i. None seem to all fit PTSD. I guess we will never know.

 

[Boosted135i]

I commend you in the way you have come to this forum seeking answers regarding your recent break up...

No offense taken. I'm just upset that this, in fact, has caused me to need therapy and has derailed my life for a period of time.

 

[blackemerald1]

Do you mean the break up?

 

[Boosted135i]

Do you mean the break up?

Yep. Opened a lot of old wounds that I had put to bed and wasn't ready to experience again. It's not so much the breakup itself; it's the whole package from beginning to end.

 

[blackemerald1]

It won't do you any harm to get some professional advice, in the end you have been traumatized by this episode & abuse harms. So best of luck with that.
Kind regards
B1

 

[Justmehere]

I'm just upset that this, in fact, has caused me to need therapy and has derailed my life for a period of time.

I can so relate to this feeling.... It is unjust and unfair what life can throw at us sometimes. You have been through a lot of crap and verbal abuse, and worse, that you should have never had to endure. :hug:

 

[JustWords]

I hate to say this but it truly sounds like you're dealing with a cluster B personality disorder. Such as narcicistic personality or borderline personality disorder. Classic signs such as pushing for a relationship so fast, seeming to be "perfect" for you, suddenly pushing you out, and then seemingly dropping you without a thought. These are bewildering and painful behaviours and I speak from experience. I've done a lot of research on these cluster b types, I encourage you to look up NPD and BPD and see if anything sounds familiar. I'll bet most of it does. PTSD can be wrapped up in these symptoms, and are often the cause, usually early on in development a child is traumatized and learns subconsciously that this is the proper behaviour to get ones needs met. There really isn't any cure for this, you are probably lucky that she ended it. NPD sufferers are deep in the pit of self-loathing, they believe themselves to be evil, sick or undeserving. They will behave as if they are well to the public and then moments later play victim to those closest to them. You end up in your own private hell, while it seems like it's on you to prove you're a good person and that that appears to be all that's needed to "help" her. Treatment is intensive therapy, the sufferer will need to be self aware and willing to reach out for help. It doesn't sound like she is and my friend I hate to say it again but I don't think she will "snap out of this" for you,
My advice if you are dealing with an NPD is just begin to heal. It will be okay.

 

[Boosted135i]

Sorry to Necrobump this thread. Actually ran into the lass the other night at a bar. I was having the time of my life, back to my old self, and spot her across the bar on a date with her next victim. No smiles exchanged between the two. No words between us. Enough reaffirmation that I made the right decision in leaving this mess behind.