Ptsd Relationship

[Mandy Tjarks]

Hi my name is Mandy.

My boyfriend of 9 months is going through some issues with his PTSD. These are manly new issues. The first 8 months of our relationship were amazing. He is my soul mate and everything I have ever wanted in a life partner.

This last month has been so hard. He has been going through a divorce that is going no where and all he wants is for it to be done. He has a lot of anger about the marriage and the things he went through. It seems everything all came to a head around memorial day. He was struggling a lot with memories of combat and he also has a quick temper since he came back from Iraq.

He has never said anything mean to me or hurt me in anyway.

It seemed all of a sudden he wanted us to be apart. He didn't know what was going on with him. He couldn't understand why he was having problems with his feelings for me. May I remind you this man adored me and worshipped the ground I walked on. We were planning on getting engaged and having a baby.

He started doing more and more stuff for other people to stay busy. And wasn't wanting to spend time with me or do anything fun. I have moved out to give him his space so he could "get his life straightened out." After a few days of being apart we talked and he said he missed me and wanted to see me. Said that he thinks things will get better for us in time. We talk on the phone and text everyday. He keeps so busy we don't see each other a lot.

Last weekend he told me he loved having me live there and sleeping with him everynight. He said he just doesn't wanna chance me getting hurt. Either from his ex and the divorce or from what he might say or do while he feels so out of control.

The biggest thing I miss is the love and affection he gave me constantly. Now he is withdrawn and can't tell me he loves me or how he feels at all. He said he thinks I will be moved back in within a year. So I feel like he wants to be with me and thinks things will be back to the way they were. I don't understand how his love could just be gone.

Can someone help me to understand this? I feel so helpless that I can't say or do anything to help him. And even knowing that him knowing I am upset will stress him more.

He has the number to the VA to start counseling but hasnt called yet.

What else can I do?

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[Army_Brat_88]

Hi Mandy. Welcome to the group :) There are a lot of postings in here about combat PTSD, and I'd like to urge you to start reading them. I don't say that to scare you, but more to *possibly* prepare you for what you could be in on. I want to tell you the most important thing I've learned the hard way:

DON'T force him into any talks about relationships or heavy things like that. It could cause him to begin his "isolation" or "withdrawl" period. He sounds like he's on the bubble and could go either way, but I just want to be honest with you so that you're not left flailing around completely unsure of what's going on like I was if it happens, before I found this site. He is in his "dark place" as he called it after numerous text beggings and pleadings from me to know what's wrong. He still hasn't called, responded to any emails or texts, and I'm forced to wait until he gets himself straightened out.

If you've told him you're around to listen or be there, unfortuantely that's all you CAN do. The rest is all up to him. He has the VA number, and like any support group, *he* has want to do it.
You could be just fine if he says he thinks you'll be together again w/i a year, so be positive about that. He might just need that divorce settled and off his plate.

My guy came back from Afghanistan earlier this year, and had a divorce to sign also, which that coupled with just the regular strain these guys have when they come back home, probably set him off into the abyss he's currently in, so I'm just giving him some space. I'd rather do that and have him come back to me than force myself on him in addition to everything else and cut me loose.

Hang in there, and don't be afraid to post whatever you need to!

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[Mandy Tjarks]

Thank you so much for your reply Army Brat.

I know there is nothing I can do but be there for him. I know things will work out and be ok it is just so hard to sit and watch this man who is so amazing be so different. I know he does want to get better. He is on meds and he said the Abilify he added a month ago has help him tremendously.

So I think he isn't in a dark place anymore at this time. But the emotionally pulling away from me is killing me. I give anything to hear him tell me he loves me. I guess with all the convos and stuff he has said he is..in a way.. saying he loves me and wants to be with me but can't express it right now and wants to protect me. I guess if we weren't so close and spent every availible minute together before I wouldn't be adjusting to this so hard. I am just thankful he still wants to talk to me and see me. I am also thankful that he sees a future for us still. I know I need to just lay back and not discuss things. Take it a day at a time.

We have had a vacation with his kids and dad planned next month and I had asked if he still wanted me to go and he said yes. There are a lot of positives right now but does not make the unknown future any easier to think about. I have done a lot of reading and know that this will never completely go away. I know things could change at any point so I am afraid of say or doing something to push him but he continually say he is fine that I text him quite a bit and call a couple times a day. I asked him if there was anything that I did that bothered him and he said no. So I think we are sitting ok at the moment.

I am trying to stop asking him questions about it so much and just enjoy talking and the little time we get together. I just need to give time, patience, understanding, and love. Why does patience have to be so hard?

I think the divorce getting done will help things alot but I know he needs to get into therepay soon.

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[Greytowngal]

Hi Mandy,

I know exactly where you are coming from and how you feel.

My husband and I have always had such a close, loving relationship and even after all the bumps and scrapes associated with PTSD we have always remained strong and devoted to each other.

My husband is under enormous stress and pressure at work and has isolated himself from me, the children, family and friends. This has been easy for him to do as he now works abroad and I cannot be his 'voice of reason' if he just doesn't contact me. He has also admitted he feels emotionally numb and feels nothing for anyone.

He is on medication and has been since his PTSD was diagnosed in 2005, but when I have tried to talk to him about his isolation and emotional detachment, he tells me he is fine, there is nothing wrong and that he is not under any stress - I am imagining it all! He told me I am in denial and that I just cant accept that he wants to be on his own and is happy being by himself.

For the first time in our relationship, I feel like my hands are tied - there is nothing I can do apart from send a text every now and then and tell him I am here for him.

It is a waiting game and it is so hard. xx

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[Mandy Tjarks]

I am not sure why but I just wrote a long reply and it wouldn't let me post it.

 

[Mandy Tjarks]

Hi Greytowngal.

I am not positive when mY bf was actually diagnosised with PTSD, but I know he has been back from Iraq for about 4 years and things are really just now have gotten to this level for the first time now. I truely believe that the divorce is driving so much of this. He thinks it is a big part too. The good thing is that my bf is not in denial anymore and doesn't pretend it isn't there but he still is not dealing with it in a healthy way. He just needs to pick up the phone and make the appointment.

At first he said we need to just go our seperate ways so we can both straighten out our lifes. (I also have some relationship issues with abandonment that never seemed to be a problem until now with us.) After a few days of me moving out and not being there he relized he missed me and wanted to see me but we still needed to not live together. He works a
lot at his job and then comes home and goes and helps other people with thier stuff. Isn't getting sleep he needs and not taking care of himself but iinstead trying to alieviate the stress by staying busy. I did stay with him last weekend a couple nights and he said he sleeps much better with me there. He doesn't remember having any dreams but he definately has and has had since I have been with him....the hyperalertness. This has gotten worse and the other night I woke him up to do something and he startled and just was staring at his hands then he snapped out of it and went back to sleep. He doesn't remember this.

OK I have gotten most of my reply to post now when I split it up but I stil can't get the rest to go through. It is telling me I have an error and have to have 25 posts before I can post to a link?

Anyone know what I am doing wrong?

I don't believe that he doesn't love me because we are each others other half and it is so deep. I do believe he has closed off to prevent from hurting me. He has been pretty good about talking to me when I ask questions but I know he doesn't really wanna talk about it.

I don't wanna be a burden or a stressor for him but I refuse to give up on us and/or him. He told me he absolutely doesnt want me walking on eggshell around him because that was how his marriage was with his ex. And she treated him pretty badly.

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[Peacemaker]

Being married to someone who is a Vietnam vet, I can tell you that the war "never" ends, for these guys. I hate to make generalized statements however, I have brothers and many friends who went to war, and none of these guys where ever the same, they all seem detached from life, they have anger that is out of this world, they are so introverted that they only come outside of themselves briefly and then it's ooops! back inside.

I'd suggest to anyone thinking of marrying a vet to think long and hard, it may seem as though the reason for the break-up of his former marriage is because he "didn't marry his soulmate," but I believe that to be so far from the truth.

These poor vets have a hard time "opening-up" to anybody! they have a very hard time with intimacy, they can't accept their problems, so they move on to the next girlfriend or wife. As women, we romanticize too much, we paint these fairy tales that no man could live up to let alone one who is fighting so many demons, life is going to be an emotional roller coaster as long as you try to engage in a relationship with these guys/gals.

Please understand, this is not a "slam" to our vets, I appreciate their sacrifices and we should be forever grateful to them however, I believe that sometimes what happens is that the vet finds someone who is sympathetic to his/her plight and they try to hold on to that person because not many people can or will go along for this ride. When they see that you're slipping away, they make promises they will never, ever be able to keep.

We are all deserving of love, love is complicated enough without adding the problems of war, if you want to be with this guy, go in with your eyes wide-open, it's probably not going to get any better.

I wish you luck!

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[Army_Brat_88]

Peacemaker -

This is a great post, and one I really needed right now too. I love our military, and respect them immensely, but I've gotten a taste of the truely ugly side of it that I never ever imagined until now. It's made me think about the person I'm waiting for to finally start acknowledging me again after a long time of avoiding and silence.

These poor vets have a hard time "opening-up" to anybody! they have a very hard time with intimacy, they can't accept their problems, so they move on to the next girlfriend or wife.

I believe that sometimes what happens is that the vet finds someone who is sympathetic to his/her plight and they try to hold on to that person because not many people can or will go along for this ride. When they see that you're slipping away, they make promises they will never, ever be able to keep.

Those of us that were with these guys for a brief time only in their more "normal" states, have had them come back as completely different people and have a real decision to make since we have not (yet) married into it. If it's this tiring now, I'm coming to believe that until they'd absoutely have it under control, I need to walk away for my own sanity.

They can't come home figuring out how to make sense of everything that happened in theatre, while trying to make sense of the surroundings that changed while they were gone, while trying to get their life sorted out, while trying to get their relationship either off the ground and/or figured out. It's just *NOT* going to work. It's not. Many of us are on overload just trying to understand this combat PTSD stuff while going about our "normal" lives.

I don't want to be unsuccessful wife #2 on his list, and that second comment you made *really* got me thinking. It makes me sad to think of him stumbling around the remainder of his days in whatever hell he could be in, but if I stick around indefinately, I'm in as much denial as he may be in, and no one will be happy. Plus people will get frustrated that it's not happening fast enough, and everything tanks. If they don't get help, or it doesn't work out after a separation, maybe it's for the best just like past loves. I also refuse to subscribe to chalking everything up to PTSD. If they truely love you, and it's solid, deep down that won't go away, and they will do *whatever* they can to keep you. If it's not looking that way, then start getting prepared to be single again. It's what I've had to come to grips with.

My (former) guy made all sorts of promises - I replay all of them in my mind. Not *ONE* panned out. That says a LOT, because when I make vows or promises, I follow through.

Again, thanks Peacemaker. It hurts to hear and read, but it will hurt even MORE by prolonging and excusing. :(

 

[Mandy Tjarks]

I appreciate your post peacemaker. But that really isn't a true representation of why he is divorcing his wife. They were together for 15 years. and the problems were there before he went to war. She was really not good to him and they were mainly still together that long for the kids. She is not a nice person in the least bit. I knew them for years before and saw how she treated him. Thier issue wasn't an intimacy issue. He was married at 19 and things were never good with them. He has just recently starting to have issues with his PTSD that he never had before. he hasn't made me any promises since this has all come about. I am very aware of what is going on and I am going to hang on for this ride. Every situation is very different. You can't group all relationships and all men with PTSD in the same group.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Mandy -

Are we seeing the same person? :) I swear that was close to the story of my guy. The few gems he told me about his ex were unreal.

I've recently told him that I've got to move on, his lack of contact and emotional availability that WAS there before isn't now.

All I can tell you is that I don't want to be his rebound. Having never been married, I can't imagine dealing with everything from war AND the loss of a marriage simultaneously. I think my ex needs time to grieve over his divorce because he was married for 17 years, and has 2 kids. That's a LOT of history right there that as a never married woman I can't comprehend, nor can I blame him that he needs to grasp that's really over. He's been in the process of divorce for a year, and that was a pain in the behind for him also. Honestly, I don't think he's ready to commit to me. He just wanted someone there at the end of the day I think.

I'm not at ALL saying that's your situation, so please don't get mad at me :( I'm not speaking for you in any way. If he really loves you, he'll get his help and you will be together. I'm just reading the stats on some of these military guys' marriages and it's not good - particularly with one divorce already in the bag, which is why I can't make a mistake and ruin my own life just because I want to be with him. I won't beg and rush it. If it's meant to be it'll happen, right? (and vice versa).

Again, I'm not giving you *any* advice here at all. Maybe I just needed this post for myself to reread on occasion as confirmation for myself.

 

[Mandy Tjarks]

I am not mad I just get frustrated very easily lately. I was married once and it was a bad deal and I understand his anger about the divorce and that he can't do anything right now to get it done. I was lucky that my divorce was done quickly but it had its own pain and hurt. Thier marriage was pretty much over they were coexisting the last 7 years or so. I do know he needs to get through this divorce and deal with it and that is why we aren't living together right now. He wants so bad to move on with his life and with me but I think he finally realized he has to work through the divorce first. The divorce is his biggest stress. As I am sure you know in the military they are taught that they need to be in control of every situation because it is life or death. He has told me that part of his anger is that he can't control how the divorce goes and how long it takes.

My situation is kind of a mix of life stress bringing out his PTSD. He told me he has learned through being in the military that you have to block your feelings out in order to get through the situation. Hence his not dealing with the divorce and just trying to push it back. I think he has done the same thing with us in order to deal with everything else. I know how he really feels deep down about me. Every part of our relationship was and is very real and honest but in that he wasn't dealing with the bad stuff in his life. But in order for us to move forward he needs to get this taken care of. When I talkedto him today he told me he finally heard from his crappy lawyer and he got a court date which was positive but it isn't until January. He is going to get a different lawyer that will actually help him. When he has a bad day so do I. I hate when he is struggling because I can't help him.

I am here with him and for him through it all. He is on the right road but just needs to take that next step to get into therapy with the VA. I know he wants to but just hasnt taken that step. Im working on healing myself from my own life struggles through therapy. Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. We both need to work on ourselves. I am just thankful he realizes that what we have is special enough to hold on to and that he wants a future with me. I try to take it a day at a time but its hard to remember to do that when you love someone so much and they are in pain. I hope someone outthere understands my loyalty and love for this man. He is amazing in every way. He didn't choose to have to deal with PTSD in his life. It was the card that was dealt to him. He has realized that there is a problem there which is a huge step. Got to keep reminding myself that baby steps are good.

 

[Mandy Tjarks]

In reading over the previous posts I have made I know I may be repeating some stuff. I just get going on a thought and it all comes out. My days are full of emotional ups and down but it is getting a little easier every day. Atthe end of everyday I know everything will work outin God's time. I am learning patience.