Hey,
I am finally trying to seek some help with what I believe is PTSD. It is effecting my life and someone I really care about. It is unfair to put so much strain and dependence on one person, so I would like to heal and put this thing behind me.
It started when I went on a study abroad trip to Ecuador in the fall of 2008, and stayed for four months. I stayed in the capital city of Quito. This has been the biggest city I have ever stayed in for any length of time. I am not used to so much noise, so many people, and constant crime that I experienced there. There are guards in front of every store, bars over the windows, children beggars and pollution everywhere.
From the very first day there, I wanted to return home. I could not contact anyone, and the person I stayed with only spoke Spanish. I speak some Spanish, but not near enough to communicate effectively. My phone cards did not work when I tried to used them, and I felt completely isolated and alone. The internet did not work, and I could not talk to the people back home.
Within the first week, one of my fellow students was robbed at gunpoint, another at knife point. Some had their backpacks taken from them by people in a passing car. One girl was roofied, but luckily had friends with her who kept her safe. Seeing these things happening to other people instilled a fear in me which I am unable to shake off. To visit other students I had to take a cab, and it was dangerous to keep any amount of money on your person.
Nothing extreme happened to me, though there are now large frames of time that I do not remember. I don't know what I did for weeks on end, though I know I attended the college there for the classes, rode the buses back and forth, and occasionally visited other students, some of whom I was closer to and felt the same way I did about being there. I watched lots of movies, and some movies repeatedly to pass the time and distract my mind.
One instance in particular though that did happen was during one of my bus commutes (which was about 45 min long, I think). A man came up behind me and started trying to feel me up from behind. The buses there are so crowded there is literally no room to move. People are crammed as tight as possible. So I could not get away. I kept my arms pressed to my sides as he tried to reach for my front. I can still hear the way he was breathing. As the bus moved, a space on front of me opened up and I was able to step away from him and move to where there was a person between him and I. I was terrified and wanted to punch and hit him, but I didn't want to touch him. And I remembered the warning we had upon arrival- if you get sent to prison, the faculty cannot help you.
I saw a dead police man lying in the road with the cars driving around him, and the other policemen trying to conduct traffic. There were crippled beggar children who would come onto the buses and ask or sing for money for family members who they said were dying. They had pictures of diseased and bloody people to seem sincere.
I spent most of my time in my bedroom, with the door locked. I had been taking lessons from a man my host mother knew, but I quickly became uncomfortable about the way he talked to me, calling me beautiful, wanting to touch my hands, and watching me. I later found out that he was having an affair of some type with my host mother. I stopped taking lessons, and refused to give him money when he wanted to borrow some, saying that I was running low.
I spent some time out of the city, and that time I enjoyed, though I knew in the back of my head that I would have to return.
I would make calenders on pieces of notebook paper, marking off each day as it passed and counting down the days until I would be able to go home.
I started to believe that I would never go home, that I would die there, or somehow be trapped there forever. I had nightmares and the worst ones were that I was back home, then I would wake from that dream and realize where I was.
I lost hope and became even more afraid as the time got nearer that I would be able to fly home. (I think at this point I was going crazy)
Towards the end my host mother would be away on trips and forget to leave food, so I would walk to the bakery and buy bread.
Sometimes I would not even try to connect to the weak internet signals in the apartment because it was too painful to not be able to read emails I knew I had, or reply to people I wanted to talk to. And if the internet shut off, I would feel like I was loosing everything.
I did not want to tell anyone back home what I was going through because I did not want them to worry. Some knew, though, that not everything was ok. My parents knew that I wanted to come home as soon as possible, and my mother even moved my flight up a week. I tried to keep her from doing this though because I was afraid there would be a mistake and the flight would be cancelled.
When I got home, I was afraid to sleep because I did not want to wake up back in Ecuador. This fear was irrational, but the dreams I had seemed so real. Dreams that I was back there, or lost there.
Most of the people that went on the trip loved it there, and wanted to go back. There was a hand full though, like me, who had their flights moved up once I told them it was possible.
The problems I am facing now is shame that this has effected me this strongly. It is nothing like soldiers facing real death every day and seeing their friends die. I do not like feeling weak, or showing this weakness to anyone. My parents do not know, I have only talked about it to one person, though I do not want to put this pressure on them. They do not deserve it and I feel like I am poisoning them by making them live it with me. This guilt is huge. And I do not want to be an attention seeker, but sometimes I really need help, but do not know how to ask for it without feeling needy, weak, selfish and a terrible person.
I still have nightmares, though the insomnia ended a few months after being back. Flashbacks still happen, and are triggered by random things, like a diesel truck switching gears (reminds me of the buses), diesel fumes, Spanish speakers, eucalyptus trees (there were a lot of them there), car alarms, low flying airplanes (I stayed near the top of my building and was afraid the airplanes coming and going from the airport would hit my building), and others that I can't remember now.
Sometimes saying goodbye on the phone (or in person) triggers panic. I am afraid I will loose contact, or never speak to or see the person again. I know this is stupid, but I feel so much fear.
Attachment is also a problem, I am trying to seek a cure from an individual alone, and I know that I need to get to the problem at it's source rather than just ignore it and try to pretend it does not exist.
I went to a Mexican restaurant yesterday, facing my fears and all that. I think I may have just reopened a hurt that was closing. I went there because I had gone to a restaurant a while back and had a panic attack beyond anything I had experienced before. I could not stop shaking and crying. The person who I was with knew I had something wrong with me in relation to Ecuador, but did not expect the reaction I had. I did not expect it either. It seemed best to sit there and eat a little bit to try to face the fear, but I left as soon as we were done. It was so embarrassing.
I don't know what to do now.
I felt so good yesterday after being able to go in and sit down by myself and eat. But I have been feeling like I am going to black out since last night, and I feel panicked. I am afraid I have just made it worse, but am hoping this is temporary and my mind just has to connect pieces and realize I am not in any danger, that I am safe and that the experience is behind me. I wonder also that what I perceived as danger was just overblown in my mind, and that I just over reacted. Though this is not completely the case because there were other students that felt the same way I did.
So what should I do? I do not want to go to the doctor, I think these physical things (blacking out feeling) will go away, and I don't want to see a psychiatrist because they are expensive and I don't want a doctors record.
Are there things I can do on my own? Ideas anyone has that will help me to rethink everything and perhaps put it in a different perspective?
I am afraid I am pushing the one person away, that they will see me as broken and unfix-able, and that they will leave. They seem to be becoming frustrated with me that I will not see a doctor, so I am hoping this will help me. I have a lot of worry, and sometimes I cannot stop thinking bad thoughts. They play in my head (along with Ecuador things) like a video being fast forwarded.
I know what I am experiencing is no where near what some are going though, but to me this is hurting my life and I want it to stop.
I am finally trying to seek some help with what I believe is PTSD. It is effecting my life and someone I really care about. It is unfair to put so much strain and dependence on one person, so I would like to heal and put this thing behind me.
It started when I went on a study abroad trip to Ecuador in the fall of 2008, and stayed for four months. I stayed in the capital city of Quito. This has been the biggest city I have ever stayed in for any length of time. I am not used to so much noise, so many people, and constant crime that I experienced there. There are guards in front of every store, bars over the windows, children beggars and pollution everywhere.
From the very first day there, I wanted to return home. I could not contact anyone, and the person I stayed with only spoke Spanish. I speak some Spanish, but not near enough to communicate effectively. My phone cards did not work when I tried to used them, and I felt completely isolated and alone. The internet did not work, and I could not talk to the people back home.
Within the first week, one of my fellow students was robbed at gunpoint, another at knife point. Some had their backpacks taken from them by people in a passing car. One girl was roofied, but luckily had friends with her who kept her safe. Seeing these things happening to other people instilled a fear in me which I am unable to shake off. To visit other students I had to take a cab, and it was dangerous to keep any amount of money on your person.
Nothing extreme happened to me, though there are now large frames of time that I do not remember. I don't know what I did for weeks on end, though I know I attended the college there for the classes, rode the buses back and forth, and occasionally visited other students, some of whom I was closer to and felt the same way I did about being there. I watched lots of movies, and some movies repeatedly to pass the time and distract my mind.
One instance in particular though that did happen was during one of my bus commutes (which was about 45 min long, I think). A man came up behind me and started trying to feel me up from behind. The buses there are so crowded there is literally no room to move. People are crammed as tight as possible. So I could not get away. I kept my arms pressed to my sides as he tried to reach for my front. I can still hear the way he was breathing. As the bus moved, a space on front of me opened up and I was able to step away from him and move to where there was a person between him and I. I was terrified and wanted to punch and hit him, but I didn't want to touch him. And I remembered the warning we had upon arrival- if you get sent to prison, the faculty cannot help you.
I saw a dead police man lying in the road with the cars driving around him, and the other policemen trying to conduct traffic. There were crippled beggar children who would come onto the buses and ask or sing for money for family members who they said were dying. They had pictures of diseased and bloody people to seem sincere.
I spent most of my time in my bedroom, with the door locked. I had been taking lessons from a man my host mother knew, but I quickly became uncomfortable about the way he talked to me, calling me beautiful, wanting to touch my hands, and watching me. I later found out that he was having an affair of some type with my host mother. I stopped taking lessons, and refused to give him money when he wanted to borrow some, saying that I was running low.
I spent some time out of the city, and that time I enjoyed, though I knew in the back of my head that I would have to return.
I would make calenders on pieces of notebook paper, marking off each day as it passed and counting down the days until I would be able to go home.
I started to believe that I would never go home, that I would die there, or somehow be trapped there forever. I had nightmares and the worst ones were that I was back home, then I would wake from that dream and realize where I was.
I lost hope and became even more afraid as the time got nearer that I would be able to fly home. (I think at this point I was going crazy)
Towards the end my host mother would be away on trips and forget to leave food, so I would walk to the bakery and buy bread.
Sometimes I would not even try to connect to the weak internet signals in the apartment because it was too painful to not be able to read emails I knew I had, or reply to people I wanted to talk to. And if the internet shut off, I would feel like I was loosing everything.
I did not want to tell anyone back home what I was going through because I did not want them to worry. Some knew, though, that not everything was ok. My parents knew that I wanted to come home as soon as possible, and my mother even moved my flight up a week. I tried to keep her from doing this though because I was afraid there would be a mistake and the flight would be cancelled.
When I got home, I was afraid to sleep because I did not want to wake up back in Ecuador. This fear was irrational, but the dreams I had seemed so real. Dreams that I was back there, or lost there.
Most of the people that went on the trip loved it there, and wanted to go back. There was a hand full though, like me, who had their flights moved up once I told them it was possible.
The problems I am facing now is shame that this has effected me this strongly. It is nothing like soldiers facing real death every day and seeing their friends die. I do not like feeling weak, or showing this weakness to anyone. My parents do not know, I have only talked about it to one person, though I do not want to put this pressure on them. They do not deserve it and I feel like I am poisoning them by making them live it with me. This guilt is huge. And I do not want to be an attention seeker, but sometimes I really need help, but do not know how to ask for it without feeling needy, weak, selfish and a terrible person.
I still have nightmares, though the insomnia ended a few months after being back. Flashbacks still happen, and are triggered by random things, like a diesel truck switching gears (reminds me of the buses), diesel fumes, Spanish speakers, eucalyptus trees (there were a lot of them there), car alarms, low flying airplanes (I stayed near the top of my building and was afraid the airplanes coming and going from the airport would hit my building), and others that I can't remember now.
Sometimes saying goodbye on the phone (or in person) triggers panic. I am afraid I will loose contact, or never speak to or see the person again. I know this is stupid, but I feel so much fear.
Attachment is also a problem, I am trying to seek a cure from an individual alone, and I know that I need to get to the problem at it's source rather than just ignore it and try to pretend it does not exist.
I went to a Mexican restaurant yesterday, facing my fears and all that. I think I may have just reopened a hurt that was closing. I went there because I had gone to a restaurant a while back and had a panic attack beyond anything I had experienced before. I could not stop shaking and crying. The person who I was with knew I had something wrong with me in relation to Ecuador, but did not expect the reaction I had. I did not expect it either. It seemed best to sit there and eat a little bit to try to face the fear, but I left as soon as we were done. It was so embarrassing.
I don't know what to do now.
I felt so good yesterday after being able to go in and sit down by myself and eat. But I have been feeling like I am going to black out since last night, and I feel panicked. I am afraid I have just made it worse, but am hoping this is temporary and my mind just has to connect pieces and realize I am not in any danger, that I am safe and that the experience is behind me. I wonder also that what I perceived as danger was just overblown in my mind, and that I just over reacted. Though this is not completely the case because there were other students that felt the same way I did.
So what should I do? I do not want to go to the doctor, I think these physical things (blacking out feeling) will go away, and I don't want to see a psychiatrist because they are expensive and I don't want a doctors record.
Are there things I can do on my own? Ideas anyone has that will help me to rethink everything and perhaps put it in a different perspective?
I am afraid I am pushing the one person away, that they will see me as broken and unfix-able, and that they will leave. They seem to be becoming frustrated with me that I will not see a doctor, so I am hoping this will help me. I have a lot of worry, and sometimes I cannot stop thinking bad thoughts. They play in my head (along with Ecuador things) like a video being fast forwarded.
I know what I am experiencing is no where near what some are going though, but to me this is hurting my life and I want it to stop.
