Pull And The Push , Or Recreating The Wheel

[joe_amnesia]

40 year xmas - first time I have never talked to my parents. Why - had enough of a shock and a wife to catch them in their lies of my childhood. Would talk to them every day - in capable of making decisions about life - always defering to them. I was the only sibling left that communicated to them at all - never understood why the others had left them.

Plenty of physical and emotional abuse - lots of 'invasive' procedures. Verbal would be icing. I ended up in a psych hospital and tried to explain what had happened - parents were threatened that I would be made a ward of the court and taken away based on my siblings evidence. Then I get pulled from the country . Hidden for 6 months while I am sick from all the meds that are cut off. Mothers invasive nursing.

All got compartmentalized and lost. occassionaly comes out in nightmares. I hid it, became part of their lies, and stories. The family covered up the history. Now older they talk about it. Dont even remember exactly where I lived from 5 - 11, not even sure who I am. I am 42 years old with someone else running my life.

And yet - I still have a tremendous pull to go back to them and I dont understand. Dont even know what to say to them. It has effected everything I have done, from employement through marriage. Even wonder if the spouse I chose is merely the representation of another abusive person I need for some reason. I have no clue what is mine. Sometimes I want them gone and other times (more often than not) I want to go back.

Any similiar experiences or guidance would be appreciated - bit lost and confused.

 

[ronin47]

Just speaking from my own experience, I think you might be clinging to some sort of hope/longing desire to get acknowledgement or acceptance from your parents. You say that everything in your life has been affected by them. If you are tying all your problems to them (not saying you would be wrong for doing so) then maybe you are wanting them to somehow release you from their proverbial grip.

On the flip side, maybe that is just the most familiar thing to you and people have this bizarre tendency to gravitate toward what they are familiar with regardless of how terrible it is.

I've got news for you dear, your parents are not going to apologize. They are not going to stop lying. They are not going to say, "Yes, I hurt you." Nothing good can come of you trying to convince them to. Even if they did apologize, would it really make a shred of difference? If I throw a baseball and break your window, I can come to the door and apologize, but the window is still broken. The apology alone will not fix it. The damage is still done and no matter how you look at it your parents can't fix it. What you need to focus your energy on now is accepting that. I will pray for you.

 

[joe_amnesia]

Thank you - just wish I could split without the naging pull back to them. It is uncomfortable, but you are right -- the damage is done - time to figure out how to fix it and not involve them.