Putting Distance Between Me And My Father

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think it would help you if you decide what you want from him, what you see as unacceptable and talk to him about it.

It's your life and your choice. Boundaries exist in every relationship, find out what yours are.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Why don't you tell him that you're frustrated right now and ask him if he loves you, could he give you some space.
I think that's what you need right now (but I'm not you, I'm just giving my opinions).

 

[Reclusive]

I know I need to have a heart-to-heart with him and I'm trying to muster my courage. It's hard and I'm so scared. What if he doesn't understand? What if I make things worse? What if I'm not clear? What if my words fail me? What if I'm mad and have completely lost it?

 

[Sethe]

Reclusive:

I know it can be really, really scary to stand up to a parent. Maybe our Inner Kids take over at that point?

Things to consider:

1. He may not understand. Do you need his understanding? You may want it, but if it doesn't happen- then what? Has he understood you in the past? What does it mean to you to have his understanding?

2. You're doubting yourself. You're not perfect. If you are not 100% clear, then that's ok. We're all human (I think). It sounds like you're putting a lot of responsibility on yourself for leading this conversation. Making things 'worse' for whom? Is it up to you to control the emotional flow of the conversation? No. Are you worried about upsetting your father? That's understandable, but his emotions are not your responsibility.

3. It's ok to lose it. Again, you are human. You have feelings and emotions that need to be expressed for your own health. Anyone who would suppress, question or judge you based on what you feel is probably trying to control or manipulate you.

Trust yourself. Say what you feel. Let it out.

You are allowed to do this.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Or maybe he just wants you to talk to him and tell him?
Sometimes a parent, no matter how good or bad as they may have been, may still want some feeling of "meaning something" to their children.

 

[Reclusive]

You guys are both totally right - thank you so much for the feedback. I really do get stuck on being perfect all the time and I feel like all my relationships are my responsibility alone. I need to work on that. I need to remind myself that all I can do is put myself out there and it's up to my dad to decide how he wants to respond. I'm only responsible for being honest and open.

Boy is it scary, though.....

 

[Srain]

((((((((((((((Reclusive))))))))))))))

I know this can all be so scary and confusing but please don't lose sight of why you defriended him in the first place. Right??

His "dragging" your brother into this doesn't seem like caring to me, I'm sorry but it seems like manipulation. That's what abusers do. He is your abuser, right?

You needed space, you are allowed to take it without explaining to anyone why. You are an adult, it's okay. I might write out a few times what you would like to tell your father before saying it, just to be sure you are ready. I'm thinking maybe you are not ready yet. There is no time frame.Remember that.

You are never alone, Reclusive. We are here and you can always go back and always take your space as you need it, that's your right.

Sending you hugs,
Rain

 

[Reclusive]

Thank you so much, Rain. I think I'm going to draft an email to him tonight, sleep on it, read it in the morning, have my fiance read it, and once it's tweaked and polished I'll go ahead and send it. I feel in my own sense of fairness, I have to give him another chance because what I've done is shut him out without any communication about how I feel. So it's only fair to let him know what's going on and what I expect from a relationship with him.

I don't think my dad is/was ever abusive. Just distant and then self-absorbed. He went through a lot when my mom went in the hospital and he's never been the same since. My fiance pointed out last night that the way I describe him from before and how he is now, it's like he's been two entirely separate people. So, he's probably at least as screwed up as I am, if not more.

I'm absolutely terrified but I know what I need to do. And I'm sure I'll be here in a puddle after I do it. ;)

((((RAIN))))

 

[Srain]

Awww (((((((((((Reclusive)))))))))))))
Always do what you need to do and know that we will be here for you :)

in my thoughts and prayers,
Rain

 

[Reclusive]

Thank you. Got a draft of an email done yesterday. Spent today in bed because my breakfast made me sick. Hopefully will finish it and get it sent tomorrow. Had some nightmares that were very telling about my relationship with my dad. Dreamed I was a teenager again and my dad refused to let me eat anything and wouldn't take me to school and whatnot. Not that he ever did those things, but apparently I feel my needs aren't being met. One step closer, though!

Thank you so much for the support!

 

[Reclusive]

So, sent the draft email after a day or two and then the real terror set in. Took dad a couple days to respond. He seems to have understood. He explained his view on a lot of things and we'll see how it goes. It's going to be a bit spooky for awhile, but I'm willing to put work into it. If we could just have a nice, balanced relationship I would be very happy. Here's to hoping!