Putting My Feet In The Right Direction

[stuff]

I'm in the midst of a minor/moderate relapse lately. I've been having severe panic attacks, trouble sleeping, crying jags, lots of trembling and tremors. The other day I came to the realization that part of the problem is that I have stopped working my heavy labour job and I'm doing pretty sedentary work. I think the physicality of it really helped with excess adrenaline.

I used to be a regular gym goer. I've lost nearly 90lbs in four years, but with the emotional roller coaster I've been on, I really don't want to be bawling my eyes out on the recumbent cycle in front of a bunch of dudes I'm kind of scared/embarrassed being around in the first place.

So today I bought my very first pair of properly fitted running shoes. I put them on my credit card, so that I will feel kind of guilty if I don't put them to good use. I've decided I want to get to a point where my heart racing can be a good thing, not just a brutal panic attack. This evening is day one of my three week beginner training. If I have to feel hunted in this life, I'm going to learn to run like an antelope.

 

[franciemarnie]

I love "run like an antelope". I love to run too, for many reasons including yours. Enjoy!

 

[maddog]

Thumbs up from another runner, and someone who has worked hard to learn to associate my body's extreme physiological arousal with good things, and not bad or dangerous ones. When I first started at the gym, just the sensation of my heartrate increasing was triggering for me. It's taken a long time, but I'm starting to love the feel of exercise, and the anticipation of its positive impacts on my brain and body is quite the addictive drug when I can focus on it.

Good for you. And don't worry if your regiment misses a few days here and there, or has some stops and starts. Nothing is ever linear or straightforward when it comes to healing, but as long as you're out there trying, and trying to get back on the wagon if you fall off it, you are taking those big fitness-building steps forward.

Maddog

 

[naturebaby_85]

Maddog - I love your post there!

A whole lot of truths there! And thank you for reminding us that the journey isn't linear - I battle with this at times so it's nice to hear someone who relates -say it.

Exercise is also my drug!

I have some problematic digestive system problems which have flared up the last year and had me extremely unwell the last 2 weeks so no gym - and my gosh I feel the wrath of no exercise on the mind!

 

[rightkindofme]

I run and sob and sob and sob while I do so. Going to the gym is hard because of the crying--so I understand. :)

I went to a grief ritual facilitated by a West African spiritual leader. She told me that grief is stored in your lungs. When you breathe very deep, like with heavy exercise, you are clearing out the old grief. She said you have to do that in order to move through the grief. You have to clear it out. I've been running since.

Some year I would like to stop crying.

 

[stuff]

That makes a tremendous amount of sense. I had severe asthma from early childhood up until my abuser passed away five years ago. Since then, I've barely needed a rescue inhaler. The body is an amazing thing.

 

[maddog]

Yes, I've done my share of crying at the gym, which is another reason I prefer to go when there are few others there. It's pretty upsetting and stressful, but I do understand that there is valid reasons for it, both physiological and psychological, and somehow they often feel like some of the most cleansing and healthy tears I ever cry.

Naturebaby, I'm sorry to hear that your digestive issues are getting in the way of your exercise regiment. I'm also dealing with some almost debilitating medical issues at the moment, and sometimes making it to the gym just isn't doable. But even if I can't do much while I'm there, I try as hard as I can to make it regularly all the same, because even doing just a little bit tends to give me more than it costs me psychologically, and every little bit of activity and bloodflow helps. It's tough though, sometimes feels like the old "cruel to be kind" adage in all-new form.

Maddog

 

[stuff]

Over a week in and I'm still running. I'm feeling pretty proud and I needed to tell someone. Post run is so relaxing. It's a totally new feeling. I've had less panic this week too!

 

[maddog]

Absolutely awesomely fantastic! The week mark is a super milestone, and every extra time you do it, you're building the routine, building the positive associations, and getting more and more of the good feelings afterwards!

You've just given me the final nudge I need to get me out the door to the gym this morning.

Maddog

 

[LizardViolet]

Way to go!