Putting Myself Out There, Not Easy...

[Jon Decker]

I was part of what's called a coaching practicum yesterday where you coach for 5 hours with 4 fellow coaches and you get critiqued/graded by your teacher and fellow students. It's a nerve-racking experience for any coach and I also have PTSD that makes me feel stuck sometimes.

I coached my player with a lot of energy and he was a tricky player. When we finished coaching I thought we had experiences a powerful and potentially life changing conversation. My teacher said "you're a world class athlete as a coach but I have a lot of problems with how you coached and fair warning I'm going to rip into you." I know my teacher and love the guy and while I didn't agree with all his feedback I was able to see the wisdom in all of it.

What bothered me though were my fellow coaches comments to me. I was in a pretty vulnerable situation in front of the class but my fellow coaches started brining up really inconsequential things and there was no thoughtfulness or sensitivity. When I give feedback I start with what I like about what someone is doing and then I try and give some helpful advice. But the teacher ripping into me was like a rallying cry for any half thought my peers had. It gave me the feeling of being alone, not understood, and straight up pissed off with their lack of human understanding and communication skills.

I spent the rest of the day yesterday and all last night playing the coaching and aftermath over and over in my head, and progressively felt worse. It got to the point I even said f' coaching, f' everything, and I had some suicidal thoughts. I'm new to this forum and often have felt alone with my PTSD and or misunderstood. I hated feeling that way yesterday in an environment I felt should be more loving, understanding and empowering. I want to bounce back stronger and being called a world class athlete as well as the other high praise I received should be sticking, but it's not. I'm completely doubting myself now....

 

[Seasounds]

You are right! Destructive feedback is not helpful! And for PTSD folks, it can trigger old situations where you were not treated respectfully, (e.g. attacked, etc.). Know that their 'mean' feedback, demonstrates that "they have a problem."
You are inherently a good person!

I think you are right. Constructively giving feedback, is what I know to be the best method, in teaching and coaching.
The unfortunate thing, is that many people in teaching do not know how to deliver feedback in a positive manner.
To ad fuel to the fire, once the 'authority in the room' demonstrates disrespectful mannerisms towards you, it indirectly gave permission, set an example, to the ofher participants, to follow, in suit.

I hope you can learn to coach with another person. Within the culture of sports that may be a challenge. One idea, you might either seek out/email a 'positive coach' (of the Seattle Seahawks-GM Pete Carroll) and ask for a recommendation. And even though you may not be Christian, The Fellowship Of Christian Athletes, may be able to give you a good referral-in the spirit of a revered positive college coach, Frosty Westering.

I've gone through a similar situation, in a different field. It has been helpful to figure out some 'back pocket plans/actions" that you can immediately take, when you first hear negative feedback. Things that I have done in such instances: breathe, reminded myself that anyone giving negative teaching has a problem, reminded myself that I am a good person, reminded myself that if I feel overwhelmed, I can leave, briefly-excusing myself to the bathroom, or forever--at any time. (Spending 1-3 days of recovery from being re-traumatized, isn't worth my time.)

Good luck!

 

[Jon Decker]

Thanks for the kind reply @Saetva. My profession is personal coaching/life coaching not sports, though you bring much of the same ideas to it :) You know I'm feeling better about it. I discussed it with fellow coaches and they all had gone through a similar event. I also spoke to my teacher and when I explained my decisions he acknowledged he messed up and I'd actually made the right call. Not keeping it to myself is my big lesson here. Talking it out and remembering I can impact the thoughts I have about something was really big to me thanks!