Putting On "normal"

[Kintsugi]

I am always trying to pretend I'm okay, that nothing is wrong, that I actually slept well, etc. I also tend to have to really watch my reactions to everyday life. I'm always on edge and sure I'm a lot to handle, but I'm doing everything I can. Always thinking how to keep acting like you've got it all together is very fatiguing but I almost feel like it's necessary because no one understands.

Ex. 1)
I am fourteen years old in a college composition 101 class. I am writing a research paper on the changes girls undergo in adolescence (I was not far from this, understand) and the coping mechanisms that they seem to adopt (cutting, drugs, sex, etc.). I was top in my class. Everyone else was 18-25 years old. No one knew I was fourteen. No one knew I hadn't slept in A WEEK. All they knew was that if they partnered with me during group work, I would do all the work for them. I just functioned like a machine, a robot. But I would drop a fork at some point during the day, spill a drink, get mud on me, whatever, and burst into uncontrollable and inconsolable tears.

Ex. 2)
I leave for a six-week trip to Israel. The first fourteen days are most rigorous, as we spend all of our time in the desert hiking all morning (5:30-11am) and attending lectures in the afternoon (12:30-6pm), and having debates at night (8-10:30pm). I was inexplicably devastated by the transition. I had been isolating for about 9 months, pretty much constantly. I had just come out of the worst era of dissociation and flashbacks among other debilitating symptoms (the kind of hypervigilance where you don't leave your room). I would sleep from 11 till about 2 or 3 in the morning and then wake up in a panic, unable to go back to sleep.

I would sit outside the hostels and weep endlessly, for no apparent reason. After about a week of only averaging 3 hours sleep and hiking all day etc., I was so exhausted that I could no longer stop tears. It wasn't even that I was upset. It was not my private weeping sessions while everyone was asleep. There were just streams of tears constantly running down my face. I went to breakfast in the morning and functioned totally normally, but the tears were just running the entire time. People were mortified.

I asked the medic what to do. As I'm sure you all know, all Israeli citizens must serve in the Israeli Defense Force, so the medic had just come out of serving as a medic for the IDF. He said, "Soldiers have trouble sleeping all the time. But when you are tired enough, you will sleep."

I think he was the only one who understood me, and somehow I felt that he knew he understood me.

So, yes! I have had this many times. These are just two extreme examples. I am sorry that we suffer from this. From Miss to Miss--*HUGS*

 

[freakofnurture]

I wish I knew what 'normal' is. Currently 'putting on normal' for me means to make myself invisible and say nothing. As soon as I try to interact with people, my freaky shows.

 

[missd84]

Thank you Miss Anti Sunshine for sharing your experience with us here. I am glad to know I'm not the only one going through this. I'm glad you found someone who understood your experience. I hope one day I will find that. So far, I've just been distancing myself to cope. I realize this isn't healthy but at the same time, neither is getting frustrated with people.

 

[Lionheart]

One of the things I am trying to embrace is who I am today I am striving to be who I am, inside at my core, and live in harmony with the world around me.

Jellymint, I want to thank you for just being yourself and for sharing your experience. I used to put on normal because I didn't want anyone to know that I was a victim, but today I am a survivor and I am quite proud of that fact.

Many people never reach out for help like you and I have. It isn't easy when you have had to rely only on yourself to make sense out of things. I am glad you are here and hope you will continue to share your progress with us.

Best of luck
Lionheart

 

[LaurenRose]

I usually feel abnormal, but I have learned that often I am less "abnormal" than most people, because I am so attuned to my issues. I have a saying: "Everyone is crazy. It's the people who don't know they are that are dangerous."

Thank you Spero for you generous words. They are helpful and encouraging.

Love that saying and it's very true. I hate it when I am confused when I see the internal confidence of others. Not only am I struggling to find my own "normal", but when I really think, I am aware that I also get confused about the steadiness I see in others. I understand it is their truth, hmmmmm, maybe it's more like I get confused as to how steadfast they can be in it, comfortable you know? If someone has a confidence in their beliefs and values, (and I am talking about the healthy ones - the ones who have respect and love and caring) and it conflicts with my life experience and I perceive it as them deluding themselves, it skews my own sense of "normal." I don't even know what it is that I am trying to say, there is a point here somewhere. I guess I will have to ponder and coax it out so I can find more information about it and find language to explain it.

He said, "Soldiers have trouble sleeping all the time. But when you are tired enough, you will sleep."
I think he was the only one who understood me, and somehow I felt that he knew he understood me.

This is one of the most profound ways I am comforted with my fellow humans. When they say things like this so concisely. So cleanly. Without the fluff and fanfare. It is something my brain can digest. Kind of like what porridge does for my body. It hits the angst directly, lets me know that it is somehow okay. Sheds a little something something on my confusion, a balm of sorts. I especially love it when the speaker is someone who does "know." Kind of like someone actually peeking in my window of life and saying "ah yes, I know this space." Sometimes I am so caught up in my terror, that I miss it when it happens. I will have been driving at twilight and the next day a friend would say "Did you see the sunset last night? It was majestic!!" Saddens me greatly because although I know there will be many more sunsets, that one was unique in its singularity and it was right there presenting itself for me and I missed it. It was a moment that this life had offered to sit in quiet. I am trying to be "present" with life and look for a wee oasis of water in the desert. *Sighs* Oh well, at least I caught this one!!

I wish I knew what 'normal' is. Currently 'putting on normal' for me means to make myself invisible and say nothing. As soon as I try to interact with people, my freaky shows.

Freaky is a great word and such a great descriptor. Once again, the comparison to "perceived normalcy" is the measure. I so am like that. I was walking down a busy street in Montreal one summer. I passed a construction site, the workers were on break and were lounging about. As I walked past them, they were looking as there wasn't much to look at besides the people walking on the street. Suddenly I forgot how to walk. I was gimping along, heat radiating with embarrassment, unable to run because I didn't want to end up flat on my face in front of them - mortifying!! I gimped as fast as I safely could my brain screaming "run away run away." I experience this emotionally when in the presence of others. I forget societal norms and some of the things I say, or responses I have are so out of whack I get the "cocked eyebrow" kind of look. Gods...

It isn't easy when you have had to rely only on yourself to make sense out of things.

This is the source of one of my biggest angst. I was talking to my trauma psychologist once and she was saying things like "but deep inside you you know this." I don't really know "this" whatever the "this" is in the moment. When I go inside, I honestly don't know what is true or what is right or what is even acceptable. I find myself looking for cues in others to "suit up" internally with what is normal. It's so confusing. On one hand I find myself comforted with the words and experiences I am finding here, and on the other I find it so difficult to relate it back to my own life. Both are authentic. It is exhausting when the clap happens, both hands slapping the other simultaneously.

 

[Lionheart]

I find myself looking for cues in others to "suit up" internally with what is normal. It's so confusing.

When I "suit up" internally with what appears to be "normal," I am trying to keep myself safe. This is what I have come to call *"shape-shifting." *(I don't know the proper terminology for it is).

Do you think this is what is going on with you too? In other words being normal means trying to be like the others around us in an effort to remain safe and not "separate ourselves from the herd" so-to-speak...?

I am just asking because I am a little slow to understand your situation and I'd like to help if I can. (Thanks for your patience in advance).

 

[LaurenRose]

Very true Lionheart. It is the struggle to be able to live in harmony with the world around me which is so foreign to what is going on inside of me. Shape shifting is an awesome term. The morphing of self in order to conform. In order to not bring attention to myself. To not be "outted" that I don't belong. Well "belong" might be a bit harsh. I am becoming more aware that there are quite a few of us who share this experience so in a sense I "belong" in that sandbox which is on the border of the playground. I have many suits. Daily, throughout the day, I change my mental/spiritual suit for the occasion. Makes me think about my pre-teen daughter constantly changing her clothes throughout the day. I taught her how to do her own laundry. I never chastised her for it, it was her way of finding her comfort in her world. In many ways this is what I am doing. I hate the fact that I can't seem to find my common body though. In all her changing of clothes, she had that core body underneath. Maybe I have found my "body" in that there is continuity in the "F'd' up emotional vehicle that contains myself. Within the boundaries of my mind/spirit, it is constantly in motion, constantly storming flicking in and out of sensibility. Instead of being able to walk firmly and adapt myself to situations as they present themselves, I once again have to look for clues from my external world in order to be able to function in that world. My inner world is fluctuating. Thoughts and emotions and even behaviours solidify and dissolve in chaos. The f*cky thing about it is the mechanisms I use to try and create an image, a response, to events are flawed. So I am stuck with having to build/create a suit with a headless hammer and rung-less ladder.

 

[Lionheart]

I once again have to look for clues from my external world in order to be able to function in that world.

Not standing out in the crowd is a survival mechanism and I think looking for clues from our external world is a normal survival mechanism too. I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you think your perceptions, images, responses, etc. are flawed.

 

[LaurenRose]

Ah. Thanks for clarifying. I know it is human nature to interact with the world by taking cues. It is what we do. For me, it is a step beyond. I look for those external clues to tell me how I feel, and what to think, how to "be" in this world. It seems like whenever I have an interaction, I am tossed into confusion about who inherently I am. Something simple would be what kind of salad dressing I want at a friends house for lunch. I used to know what I liked. I no longer know and I have to give her an answer in an acceptable amount of time. I fluster a bit out loud - which is normal - but inside I am tormented trying to figure out which one to pick. Sometimes I don't pick anything but eat it naked. I know it is "normal" to be in a place of indecision, but I wonder how "normal" it is when it becomes a life and death kind of feeling.. that "Danger danger" kind of fight/flight response. It seems a bit excessive considering the circumstance.

Or another example is discussing an aspect of a movie we have just watched. I can do the analysis bit, rational thought, but when it comes to personal opinion - I am in chaos. I usually speak only because she has asked a question or it is implied in the nature of the conversation that mutual discussion is expected. Again, I am thrown into turmoil internally as I battle to try and figure out what it meant to me and how it applies to the inner world of that which is me. I understand this as well to be human nature. When it begins the unravel the core of who I am - the inability to find what it is I think or feel - it is very threatening. I think it is also excessive compared to "normal" processing of an emotional stirring. When people around me offer their experience of a stirred emotion, sometimes it is with confusion as to how it hit them. Rarely have I spoken to someone without some sort of extreme trauma where it brings them to the outskirts of suicide.

And then there is body posture. If I am in a restaurant and a patron is having unhappy words with the waitress and I am with a few friends, I have a traumatic re-enactment. I am thrown into the horrors of a previous trauma and have to try and neutralize the threat and perceived threat within myself. I get torn apart with wondering how I feel about it, is the patron justified with his upset? Is he being unfair to the waitress? Through all of this, I am frantically trying to figure out which body posture to present to my friends. Bewildered? Angry? Annoyed? Scared?

This is kind of what I am talking about (I think). That it seems like I don't have a "natural reaction" to something that is happy or sad. My body, for example, doesn't know how to respond until my mind rushes through the options and looks about to see which presentation will be most accepted in the space so I don't have to try and explain myself.

These things happen for me most of the time. I am not a "slave" to responding to each and every instance of engagement. There are many times I either avoid or state that I don't know. I feel the pressure for sure and sometimes I can say that it is upsetting and I don't know the answer. Even then though, the distress of that ever present "lost" awareness inside me makes being out in the world difficult.

I wish I could think of another example that will "punch it down." Even now, as I am typing, I am wrestling with "is this really true for me?" "Does this make any sense?" "Am I responding because there is an expectation from me to me that I "should" respond?" "Do I want to be doing this? Speaking out loud when it's impossible to explain?" And then the voices "..." well perhaps it's best if they are left unsaid.

I appreciate your question. It has given me a ponder. I like it when a prompting happens, hoping that one time it will "pop" and understanding will come. I cradle my hope on perhaps it will have a cumulative effect where each iteration of thought will build on the last.

 

[Lionheart]

I like it when a prompting happens, hoping that one time it will "pop" and understanding will come.

I am sure you will sort out what is true for you and whatever that is, is cool. :)

 

[Reclusive]

Forgive me if I'm intruding, but it sounds a lot to me like you don't have a self-identity - that you've somehow rationalized your way out of one. I think if you pay more attention to your gut reactions you'll start finding more of yourself. At first there will be a lot of confusion - your gut reaction will be confused, but other times it won't be and you'll know what you feel. But it happens before the thinking starts, so you have to be quick to catch it. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all. It also may help to pay attention to how your body feels as a way to measure how your mind feels.

In your example with the construction workers - you're body felt and behaved awkwardly because you were feeling awkward. So sometimes you can use your body to clue you in to how you feel about something. Are you leaning forward, are you leaning back. Are your arms crossed, what about your feet? Are you fidgeting? Is your stomach full of butterflies or is it churning in disgust? Those kinds of things.

I hope I'm making sense. I don't feel like I am much tonight.

 

[LaurenRose]

Thanks Lionheart. My hope for me too.

Thanks Reclusive and yes you are making total sense. I have been working with a trauma/addictions counselor for about three years now. Shocking that it has been so long for me. He is the first counseling I have ever received. He has focused on my body with me almost the entire time. I am getting much better at looking toward my body to see what's going on. There is still such a disconnect, it really is like looking at someone else and observing what their body is doing and making deductions about their emotional state.

I do, not have a sense of self-identity. I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder and looking at the DSM's definition I don't know if this is the right term as I am not fully split into multipersonalities. I recognize that they are all inherently "me" but they are very distinct and unique in their individuality. I am having difficulties finding the core me. I paint my emotions. People have told me over and over again - peers and professionals alike - that I need to trust my gut. Something I subscribe to. I was thinking of this very thing, carefully, obsessively when a painting idea came to me. It is very helpful for me to see what is going on emotionally inside in a tangible, visible way. I titled the painting "People tell me to trust my gut, but my gut is trying to kill me."

When I look inside, when I pay attention to my "gut" reaction, a lot of the time it is saying "what are you doing?" "why are you doing in futility?" "Just stop" "Enough already" "This isn't worth it" "People are getting hurt" My gut is telling me to let it all go, let this life go, essentially "go home." Recovery is telling my gut that it is not finished looking yet, not finished exploring and checking things out to see if it can be a different way. Does this make sense? Do I believe what I am saying? I think so. I think this is what's happening inside of me. I do know what I want to stop playing what I sometimes perceive as a game. I don't know, it is all so confusing. I do like it when something prompts a re-think. It gives me an opportunity to look at it in a curious way, to puzzle it out. It is also distressing, to see once again how f'cked up I am, I feel. There is obviously a part of me that is aware of all aspects, a bird's eye view. Not sure really and now I am moving into that disquieting place.