Question About Encouraging My Supporter

[EvenStrongerNow]

My hubby is my supporter as you all know. I have been having probably the hardest past few months. He is working 12 hours a day, sometimes more and doing all that he can to support me and then some. He has been such a rock for me for so long.

I noticed in the past several weeks, he has been so drained physically and emotionally--for obvious reasons. I noticed that a lot of days, he goes without eating while he is at work trying to meet deadlines, etc. He also has been having a lot of stomach problems and not getting enough sleep at night. These things are so unlike him.

Last night, I sat in front of him holding his hands and told him how much I love him, how much I appreciate how he works so hard, etc. I told him that I never want my PTSD or life to get in the way of us stopping to talk about how we are feeling in our relationship. We had a very good conversation. We are very much in love. But, each time I was trying to compliment him, he just turned it around back to compliment me. That's fine and all, but then I told him that I am concerned for him. I told him that he has been super man for a long time for me, but that he matters too. He says that how he has been feeling lately has nothing to do with what I'm going through and that I am there all of the time for him when he is dealing with stuff so it's an equal exchange, etc.

He says he feels very empty spiritually but doesn't feel empty about our relationship at all ever. I said to him, "You know. I know you say that my PTSD doesn't affect you. It's so normal for it to though. You matter too. You need to get yourself a support system, take breaks, and do things for yourself too."

He is a sober alcoholic. He will be 11 this year. He hasn't been to a meeting in like a year. He says he would rather go to church. That's fine. That's his choice. He asked me to find a good church that we can go to every week.

My questions are: How can I support him? How can I encourage him to acknowledge that this is affecting him and take care of himself too? How can I encourage him to get out and go to a meeting to be in a room with other alcoholics?

Maybe this isn't the right place to ask. I'm just so concerned for him.

 

[Lost Pup]

If he's been sober for 11 years, why would you want to encourage him to "go to a meeting to be in a room with other alcoholics?" I read it as extremely positive that he has been sober for so long and feels comfortable vocalizing his desire to go to church instead. That sounds like he is sober but no longer identifying as an alcoholic. Some people never feel quite right doing so, understandably, while others do. Have you looked into churches that might fit his values?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks for responding. I don't know why I would want to. I'm not an alcoholic, but I have read the chapter for wives so I was a bit confused by having one replace the other.

My personal beliefs is that church is awesome, but I can't relate to alcoholism so I didn't want to encourage one and not the other if that wasn't good for sober people if that makes sense.

I am looking into churches today. He has also been having a lot of nightmares over the past week where he whimpers in his sleep. I wake him up and tell him he is safe. He seems to be pretty distraught over them but will not share them with me.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is am I doing enough? He says I do so much for him already and that I don't need to do anything else. I guess I'm just checking in to get another opinion. I wasn't sure if he was just saying that to be nice and not put more stress on me or what. I don't want to press him. I do want to respect him and trust that he means what he says.

I have been way more present emotionally over the past few days than I have been in months. So, I'm unsure if he has just gotten into an unhealthy routine as a response to my PTSD and I've been unaware of it because of my struggle, and he is also unaware of how my struggle is affecting him......or if I'm making something out of nothing.

He is a MANLY man :D He takes the world on his shoulders a lot. So, I just want to make sure I do my best to let him know that it's okay to take care of himself too and that his feelings matter.

He did say last night...something about his pride and how he is sick of only thinking about money and work all of the time. He just goes and goes and goes even though we don't need for anything. He talked about how he gets so much anxiety about stuff for no reason. I just listened. When he says he feels spiritually empty, I just felt so much empathy for him because I know what that's like and wanted to find some way to help him with it.

Is that something I can help him with aside from praying for him?

 

[Lost Pup]

You sound like you are doing an exceptional job. I commend you for it. He's lucky.

In SMART, which is a secular, CBT based AA alternative, "alcoholism" is understood a bit differently. It is considered healthy and inevitable that people eventually "graduate" and it is expected that people will remain abstinent but not necessarily continue to identify as "alcoholic" forever. Many people, this does not work for and I have not "graduated" yet myself, I offer it here only as a counterpoint to the idea that someone 11 years sober would necessarily do best to seek help by connecting with other "alcoholics."

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I see what you mean. He does talk about that. He says he has this thing inside of him that wants to be sober way more than he ever wanted to use before sobriety. He says he got to this level of knowing that he will never pick up again. He still identifies as an alcoholic, but says that he feels he is past the point of meetings and would rather treat himself spiritually with church. I think it's grand!

He's the best husband ever. I admire him very much for what he has accomplished. Less than 1% of those who were addicted to his drug of choice recover. The rest die. His entire life is a miracle and I get to witness that every day. He inspires me every day to recover from PTSD.

Thanks Lost Pup for speaking to me about this. I think maybe me being emotionally present again has something to do with how I am feeling. He even says he notices that I'm back. I wonder if I'm just noticing the effects of being back. That's probably it. It's a bit challenging cognitively to articulate what I mean at the moment. Just feeling a new level of awareness.

 

[Lost Pup]

Honestly, it sounds like you are in a wonderful place together, challenging though it may be. Hope I am not misreading.... :)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

No. You're not misreading. We were friends for 5 years before we started dating and dated a year and a half before getting married. We've known each other for 8. We have an amazing relationship and we are still just as much in love as we were in the beginning, although the love we share just keeps growing and growing. We both talk about how we know that what we have is somewhat rare. I am very proud of it :)

Thank you :D

 

[seedling]

What you are doing for him is wonderful. He must really appreciate just being heard, it may be something he never gets
at work.
Sometimes I second guess my husband and remind myself to hear what he asks of me and trust that it is "enough".

You could pick a church and then check in with him after the first few times, see how he likes it - if it's what he expected or needed. If not you can try another. This process might help in defining what it is he's searching for. Maybe men are more concrete like that.

I try not to overthink things for my husband (something I'm good at :)). I start with what he gives me and it goes from there, I start to see where it's going for him and what he needs. I can see that he really likes that I'm paying attention to what he wants at that moment, no pressure. I think he feels taken care of, even if to me it seems like such little things.

It means A LOT to let someone know they matter like you've let him know.

 

[Tolkienian]

Honestly, my BF and I talk a lot about what's "enough." I've come to the point (when I'm thinking rationally, anyways) that I don't think "enough" needs to be part of a relationship. He does a great job taking care of you. You're doing your level best to take care of him in whatever ways you can. You listen to him, you appreciate him, and you're working on finding a church to go to together. I don't know what else you do, but the point is that you love this man, and you're encouraging him and praying for him and fighting for his health and well-being--in exactly the same way as he is fighting for yours.

I don't think real love is something anyone can earn or pay back. (Religious bit incoming:) You're looking for a church. Do you believe that God does for us what we can't do for ourselves? I do, and that blows the concept of "enough" out of the water. Because I, certainly, can never do enough. For God. For my BF. For anyone. But doing my best is all that I need, and God will meet me where I'm at and do the rest. It's incredibly comforting to think that He can take my bread and fish, so to speak, and make it enough to feed everyone who needs food. (End religious bit.)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks ladies. I do believe that, yes. I don't mind spiritual bits. I don't have people in my life really who like to talk about that stuff. Everyone is always so hush hush about their beliefs.