Question About My T?

[Smushroom]

I feel guilty even thinking about asking questions about my T. She really is so wonderful, so I don't want to sound like I am putting her down...

I have been seeing her for approximately 18 months, with a few breaks here and there when I went overseas etc. At first, we had a look at a bunch of different techniques. Meditation, Mindfulness, TFT etc. But it has never been structured. I have never once sat down with her and made a plan of what we are doing, what steps, what the goals are etc.

It seems that the sessions are very un-structured, especially lately. I really feel I have not got a lot out of it the past month especially.

I had a bit of breakdown over the past few months, so I understand why she would be taking things lightly, but, and I can't believe I am actually going to say this, I WANT to talk about the trauma. I have told her absolutely everything via email, and at first she used to respond, but my emails I think are getting too long now, so she no longer does. And I understand it is not her job to answer them. But the things I have told her, the issues I am dealing with, need to be addressed, but she just doesn't go there. It is almost like talking to a brick wall, or like I have told, and I am being ignored again. Just like when my mother found out I was being abused, and she ignored that... It hurts

And I guess this is more a vent than a question, but I just wanted to know what everyone elses therapy sessions are like? This is my first T, and she really is an incredible woman, but I don't know what therapy sessions are meant to be like. Is it structured? Is it just 'walk into the office and randomly chat'?

You would think after 18 months we would be on to talking about the trauma. But she does not seem to want to go there, yet I have actually told her, numerous times, that I am ready to talk about it, not just email her about it. We have touched on it a few times, but only ever so slightly.

I have been personally thinking this for a while, but am now seeing two T's, and the 'newer' one asked about the plan/goals with my other T, and was astonished when I told her we had none...

Would love to hear what you all think...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Smushroom))) I would need more structure. Does she refuse to answer a question of yours to discuss the trauma? How does she ignore you? What sorts of things do you discuss with her? I am glad you are seeing two therapists. You are lucky.

This is interesting to me as I am about to start therapy again. I have a referral from my emdr therapist. I will be dealing with the caregiving I am doing. Please let us know how it all works out for you.

I am sorry you are getting hurt and ignored by your therapist. This is a real confusing thing you are dealing with. I sure hope you get it all sorted out.

You have a bond with her. Mabe she is not trying to push you right now. You have to ask her the questions so you will know exactly what you are dealing with. I hope this helped. Big hugs.

 

[anthony]

I have been seeing her for approximately 18 months, with a few breaks here and there when I went overseas etc. At first, we had a look at a bunch of different techniques. Meditation, Mindfulness, TFT etc. But it has never been structured. I have never once sat down with her and made a plan of what we are doing, what steps, what the goals are etc.

I stopped reading at the end of the above, as that is all I need for accurate comment.

Get a new therapist. Having unstructured therapy is completely unethical in every manner. It is a method to charge a client for a service, without really giving them any goals or aspirations, of which the service is entirely based on applying goals and aspirations to the clients lifestyle.

Sack them and get another.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My sessions are extremely structured and follow the same format every time without fail (save one joint session) for the last year and a half. Granted this is also dependent on the type of therapy I'm in (Neurotherapy and meditation), but my therapist monitors my progress and through this monitoring she targets specific issues to work on. It works for me, and this is the most structured therapy I've ever been in.

Goals are very important as they provide a framework within which to work.

Also, I want to caution you about just talking about your trauma. The goal should be to process the trauma in a safe way. This means that your therapist has provided you with skills to keep yourself safe during this process.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I can back up what the others have said as well. Even though we never came up with a 'game plan', my T is always structured in staying on task and making sure clear progress is made. Not only that, but when my T feels as though progress isn't happening to his satisfaction, he tells me and asks how I feel about it. That is how it's supposed to be. Not random conversations. I had a therapist for about 6 months like that before my present one. Just sat there with no real path in mind. Just small talk. It was frustrating to the extreme so on some smaller level I know how it feels. It really is a waste of time and money. It's worth it to get a new one and I always encourage people to shop around if they can and find one that fits.

If you do want to stick with this one however, be really, painfully clear. It's your life they're supposed to be working on. If you aren't their main focus in the middle of your session, then that needs to be addressed first. It might be possible she'll turn it around. Sometimes T's make mistakes. But if you tell her you need a structured set of goals and measurable progress and she either scoffs at it, or doesn't deliver, please don't hesitate to find someone new.

 

[charabanc]

My sessions are less formally structured due mostly, I think, to my own drive--my therapist has said a few times that I do more work in one hour than other clients do in months of sessions. It's just how I work. I do exercises on my own during the week that end up propelling our work forward, and I'm very on task whenever I'm with my therapist and want to make the most out of our time together--though I never rush. It's a great balance and I'm proud of myself for finding it.

However, my therapist has asked what my ultimate goals are, and those goals have already changed quite a few times and will again in the future, but it's good to vocalize them. If I went into my sessions and suddenly stopped wanting to talk about my trauma, that would be a huge red flag and my T would address it right away.

It sounds like your therapist isn't meeting your needs and that a direct conversation re: your progress, session structure, and goals for the future needs to be had. Good luck no matter what you decide to do!

 

[p-no]

She may not have to answer your e-mails fully, but I think at least from a human perspective, so to speak, she "has to" tell you that she won't and why not. There is no such thing as not enough time for saying: Hey, I got your messages, but I can not reply to them the way you seem to need me to because...

Regarding the rest: I have the same "problem" now and I've been telling my t again and again that I would like to actually start working on the problems. Turns out I realized just few days ago that despite having said that and reiterated it various times, my life was so full of events and things I really needed to get off my chest that I did not bring it up during a session. Literally, I needed to get stuff off my chest and after each session I felt to have nothing accomplished re "real" therapy. Of course I had been there for an hour each time though so I certainly made use of the time and what she has to offer, so to speak. Just to me it felt as if we hadn't accomplish anything, which is true in a way. After each session I had gotten rid of the stuff I had needed to, so I felt relieved and ready only after the session! And it was like that every single time for about six sessions now.

I am not saying it must be this way for you, but maybe worth a thought? Why not address it with her the way you do here? Ask her why she doesn't set up goals with you (and/or whatever else you may need/want), ask her why she doesn't reply to your messages, etc. I do hear you with regard to that old pain flaring up and from my own experience and for me, just leaving to find another therapist wouldn't do it. I would take that unresolved pain with me, and I think there may be a way to resolve it before you go, if you go.

 

[p-no]

P. S. No goals that are set up before work has started. Goals will be set up during the "real" work and will be adjusted to life and me as necessary. Too much structure can hinder development.

 

[Smushroom]

Thank you all for your replies.

Gizmo: It's not that she refuses to, she has touched on it a few times, but most of the time it has been via text or email. We talk about random things. We talk a lot about my parents. She seems to be trying to diagnose and categorize them a lot. At least she thinks the same way of them as i do. We talk about work, how the week was. It almost seems like she picks the most trivial thing to talk about in those first 5 minutes of 'how has your week been' I know I do need to be more upfront with her. It's just scary.

Anthony: Thank you for your opinion. I don't think 'sacking' her would be the right way to go for me, at least not yet. I'm not saying she hasn't helped me at all, but not as much as I thought. I think I need to at least give her a chance first. I need to be the one to tell her that I need structure. Then, if she can't provide that, it may mean time to start looking for a new one.

ScaredofLonely: Thanks for your comment. We spent a long time with her teaching me 'skills' and things to keep me safe and grounded when discussing trauma. Thats the one time she has actually told me what we were doing. But that was during the first 6 months. It has now been 18 months all up. She has done the prepararation, I am ready to talk about it, not only talk, but process it. And in some ways, I've already started doing that myself.

Loveneverfails: Yes, I do need to have that talk, don't i? She is constantly telling me that I am her priority, it's all about me, don't feel guilty telling her things etc but at the same time, she seems almost distracted or...bored...when I see her. Sometimes she will be doing other things while talking to me, like stapling pages, sorting thigns into piles, smoking etc. Which I must admit, actually usually works for me. It takes the intensity out of the situation. But sometimes I just need her to sit there, and look straight into my eyes, so she can see that I am not ok. We have never talked about 'progress' although she will send me a text or an email saying 'You are making great progress' Well, I'm glad YOU think that, I can't see it. But yes, I need to have that talk.

Charabanc: You are right. I need to have that hard talk. I just don't want to make her angry. She has never got angry at me before...well, maybe once actually, but she seems like the person that would explode. I do a lot of work myself at home, and have only started doing that as I feel I'm not making enough progress, but it would be nice to have this supplemented.

Prime-no: She hasn't told me why she hasnt answered my emails for the past few months, but I am presuming it is because they are so long. Yet she continues to urge me to email her, and If i don't, she asks me why I haven't. So I'm guessing she is reading them. Even an email to say 'Thank you for your email, I have read it' would be sufficient. I can quite honestly say though, I don't think we have acheived anything, even the little things. The 'stuff' we have been talking about just doesn't seem relevant. I couldn't leave to find another T. Not yet. Not without giving her/this a chance to change and work.

Thanks for all your opinions. Looks like I will somehow have to have this conversation with her. No idea how that will happen. Maybe I can write her a letter and give it to her to read at the beginning of our next appointment? It is the coward's way out, I know, but I don't think i could initiate the conversation.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not think that writing a letter is the cowards way out. I think it is a brilliant idea. I wish you the best. Good luck. Let us know how it turned out ok? Big hugs.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I'm all for what makes you comfortable, but my heart just went out to you when you said she smokes during your sessions. I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound very professional at all. If it is what you want, then I really do hope you can work out something with her. But if not, you do deserve to have a therapist who makes you a priority during the hour you pay her to. It isn't an odd thing to find one that will focus on you when you need it. Many of them do, and most certainly don't go about their paperwork and other things during appointments.

Also: When I felt like my T and I weren't on the same page I wrote a letter. It was really well received and fixed what needed to be fixed. It is a good idea, at the very least it will organize your own thoughts on the matter and make it easier to talk about. Go to bat for yourself, you so deserve it.

 

[Smushroom]

I'm all for what makes you comfortable, but my heart just went out to you when you said she smokes during your sessions. I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound very professional at all.

The first time she asked if she could have a smoke, I was a bit taken back. But as I smoke too, dirty habit i know, I wasn't concerned. It really does lighten the energy. And she doesn't do it always. She seems to pick the right moment. Almost like she is giving me a breather to re-organise my thoughts. Just the thought of seeing someone else frightens me. I have only just started seeing a second T and that trust is going to take a long time to build up. It just seems to be a waste to throw away 18 months worth. I feel she really understands me. We have so much in common, we enjoy and do the same things, we have a similar personality type and think the same way. But I know I can't keep this going. You're right. I do deserve it, I think. I need to sort this out or move on. :)