Question About P*rn

[Karmic Dreamwork]

One of my apparently unique triggers (and the worst) is pornography. it makes me sick just typing that word. However, I recently learned my boyfriend is into that damn show game of thrones... which is by definition, pornography.
we had a big fight about it and its been three days and I still feel anxious. sick to my stomach. I know I shouldn't "control" him by asking him what to watch and what not to if I'm not even there.
I know its just people and I wish it didn't bother me.

whenever I see naked girls or semi naked, in advertisements, in TV, in movies, on the internet... Hell, I deleted facebook because of all the ads with them. I don't watch movies that I would want to see because of it. If game of thrones didn't have sex in it or naked girls, I would probably love it. I am a super nerd when it comes to things like that.

Regardless of any logic, I can't stand it. I have panic attacks left and right. Knowing he looks at it makes me sick and part of me is angry at him for it. I am disgusted by this side of society... And I don't know how to fix it.

Does anyone else have this problem? When I told my therapist, he kind of laughed in surprise. He apologized but it made me doubt his ability to help me at all and made me feel even more isolated.

It is directly related to my PTSD by the way. As a child, I had to participate in such things. But that's all I will say.

 

[Gadgie]

Welcome to the site Kormic, maybe if you had therapy about what happened in your childhood, that could help with your feelings about p**n in general.

It wouldn't stop your bad memories about it, but at least it might save your relationship with boy boyfriend, as I don't think he will change his attitude about it, and he knows that you are having therapy, it might make him more understanding about your feelings on the matter, good luck.

 

[anonymous]

I'm sorry your T laughed. Hard not to take that personal. On that point simply asked him why he laughed and don't assume you know why.

In regard to your reaction, it's understandable, but as far as you expecting your BF to not watch it because you are upset is unreasonable.

We have to learn to live in this world with triggers all around us everday.
I'm sorry you had to participate in something that has hurt you. And I don't say that lightly.

But our healing work involves us working WITH our triggers and working AROUND what that trigger is.
And we certainly can't control those around us. Had you found out he was watching hard core porn as apposed to a tv show, your reaction would be a little more understandable from your BF's point of view.
I understand your feelings.. But asking someone to give up anything to do with naked women is asking him to be blind.
This is for you and your T to work on. After you get clear about why he laughed. But your BF does not have to give up a TV show.
Pretty sure this is not what you wanted to hear. But all you can control is you.

 

[Deadman]

But our healing work involves us working WITH our triggers

As much as I am still working on not avoiding all my triggers I have to agree with anonymous. Avoiding your triggers is your prerogative but expecting others to do the same is fruitless.

 

[Friday]

Does anyone else have this problem?

With that specific trigger? No. With many other triggers & stressors? Absolutely.

Mostly what that does is move something up my priorities list of 'shit to deal with'. Because it's now a part of my life, because it's a part of someone else's life that I love (and want in my life).

My list of triggers and stressors that I'm working on is both pretty fluid, and directly related to how obnoxious / annoying / distressing / problematic they are in my daily life. Helmet trigger? No big deal, about 80 items down the list, I'll get around it eventually (or the 12th of never)... Until I started riding my bike everywhere. Then it became a big f*cking deal. In fact, as I had no car, it meant it got moved into my top5 (what I'm working on all the time).

When a trigger or stressor shifts places on my shit-to-sort-list? From experience it's really tempting to waste a lot of time & energy getting mad about it. Anger can be useful, or it can be a huge problem. Useful: driving me to face the damn thing, and to get back up no matter how many times I get knocked on my ass by it. Waste of time and energy : to be avoiding doing anything about it by being mad at "having" to do something about it (or at someone else for having it in their lives & bringing it into mine). Facts are, I don't "have" to do anything about anything. I'm choosing to. Whether because I love someone & I want them in my life, or because riding a bike is a lot faster than walking... I'm choosing to bring this trigger or stressor into my life because I want something that comes along with it. So that's what I focus on. What I want. :sneaky: That way I can direct the anger at something useful, use it to motivate me. Instead of to hurt others, or sabotage myself.

 

[Casey_03]

I used to have the same problem with nudity. When I was with my first boyfriend (still a teenager), I struggled with this same problem for a few years, and I did try to keep him from watching certain things (he didn't protest and offered to not watch stuff).

Keeping him from watching stuff didn't help -- it only made the triggers worse for me, and it really spiraled out of control. It became an obsession. All I can say is what others here have already said -- you have to learn to deal with your triggers, not avoid them. And you certainly can't, and shouldn't, try to control what he watches. The fact of the matter is, the problem is entirely with you, and not with the TV show or with your boyfriend. Nothing bad will happen if he watches Game of Thrones, or even if he watches porn.

The only bad thing that will happen is with you, inside your mind, and it's deeply personal -- you have to figure out what it is you're afraid of. What are you afraid will happen if he watches these nude scenes? In my case, I was afraid my boyfriend would see other nude women and realize I was deformed (I had severe body image issues). It didn't matter how many million times he reassured me that would never happen, that he didn't think that when he saw nude women -- it was entirely my own demon, a monster of my own making. And I had to deal with it alone.

It is probably the same in your case. You have to figure out what exactly it is you're afraid of and then break that fear. You mentioned that it stems from childhood abuse, which is understandable. But what specifically about the scenes make you sick? Are you afraid your boyfriend will watch these scenes and then begin to see you as a sexual object? That he will be inspired to be aggressive with you?

 

[Karmic Dreamwork]

I used to have the same problem with nudity. When I was with my first boyfriend (still a teenager), I...

How did you get over it? I guess it's kind of like that. When I see it, I shut down completely. I become sick and have awful panic attacks where I shake a lot. I can't handle it.

There was a man involved in my trauma and it's like since he liked stuff like that so much in order to traumatize me, then it must mean everyone who likes it has the same potential. It may not be logical but I think that's why I don't like him looking at it. The women involved disgust me, the men who like it do too. I don't know how to get over it. It's been more of a physical response than anything since my brain shuts down during anything like that.

I appreciate all of your guys' advice. But if I had to watch it to try to get over my trigger I would probably shoot myself.

 

[Blue Survivor]

I'm sorry what happened to you and I'm sorry that your therapist laughed at you - that was unprofessional on his part big time!

I watch Game of Thrones. Yes there are nude scenes, a lot of them, and it probably isn't the best show for you to watch because in the earlier seasons women are often treated more as property than people; I won't elaborate because I don't want to upset you. But now the women in the show now are coming out on top! I'm loving how strong the female characters are to date. I suppose in a way I can relate to these characters because like them I started out being treated very badly but now I see myself as much stronger. Granted I don't have three dragons and an enormous army under my command like one woman does in the show, but I feel strong and brave nonetheless (some days, anyhow).

On a side note, when I was younger (before I had PTSD) I did not want a BF watching p*rn or even watching movies with female nudity or sexy-looking female characters. Even the 'Tomb Raider' video game bothered me! I'm not sure why - I knew that he wasn't going to up & leave me for any of these fictional characters. But for some reason the thought of him seeing another woman as sexually attractive was really threatening to me.

I'm not at all implying that you are insecure, but maybe just unreasonable for wanting to control what your BF watches on his own time. Nothing bad will happen if he watches p*rn on his own. You do not have to watch it with him.

 

[Casey_03]

How did you get over it?

I got over it when it finally blew up in my face, which was inevitable.

The longer you DON'T deal with it (and the longer you try to keep him from viewing that kind of thing), the more pressure will be building up inside, and eventually it will burst. I was successful for a while in keeping him from viewing certain things (or at least I thought I was successful -- but really, who knows what he was watching when I wasn't around). But then eventually, he did end up seeing something and I freaked out. The more control I tried to exercise over the situation, the more pressure built up over the issue, and the more intense the trigger became. So when he actually did view something with nudity, I freaked out and self-harmed pretty badly. All because I didn't deal with the trigger and instead tried to control the situation -- which is impossible, and will inevitably backfire.

Over time, I realized how absurd it was for me to try to control something like that, and to be afraid of him seeing stuff like that. And I realized it never had anything to do with nudity or nude scenes or anything he might experience when watching them -- it was all just my own body image issues. And there was also the element of control, in an almost OCD sense. I became obsessed with having control, not because I was trying to be some witch of a girlfriend, but because I was so afraid of being hurt I was trying to control the situation and prevent that from happening. I would guess that the element of control also figures very strongly in your situation -- you're not trying to prevent him from viewing nudity, you're trying to control the situation so he can't turn into your previous abuser. THAT is the real issue. Deep down, you're afraid he'll become like your abuser, so you feel you have to control him so he can't go down that road. But he doesn't have to watch nude scenes to turn into an abuser -- if he's going to hurt you, he's going to do it regardless of what he watches.


I honestly don't think there is any quick fix or easy way to solve it. I think the more you deal with your previous traumas and talk the issue out with your boyfriend, the less intense the trigger will be. But it's a long process and could take years. I'm sure a good therapist would have some advice too.

(I should add that I did try some form of exposure therapy by forcing myself to sit with him and watch the types of scenes I was so horrified of ... just to see there was nothing to be afraid of. It helped somewhat, but it didn't really solve the problem completely)

 

[Karmic Dreamwork]

I got over it when it finally blew up in my face, which was inevitable.

The longer you DON'T deal wit...

ah, go you. that's awesome.

for me, I'm comfortable enough with my body which I don't think it's that. I wouldn't ever be able to do exposure therapy. it makes me not want to be part of this world.

I don't know. it's hard to explain my problem. I don't want to control him. I just am sick of this feeling, these nightmares, this being so trapped and people thinking its just a joke. its awful.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here or what any of you could say to help me. thank you for your support, though.

 

[Deadman]

I wouldn't ever be able to do exposure therapy. it makes me not want to be part of this world.

Have you tried exposure therapy? If not how do you know how you would feel? Has your therapist suggested it?

I just am sick of this feeling, these nightmares, this being so trapped and people thinking its just a joke. its awful.

Are you sick enough of the feeling to actually do something about it? To fight for your self and your wellbeing?

or what any of you could say to help me

We can support you. We can offer other points of view. But we can't say anything that will make you better. We would if we could but if it was that easy you wouldn't be here.

 

[Twilight]

One of my apparently unique triggers (and the worst) is pornography. it makes me sick just typ...

I just want to say that I will never have a relationship with someone who watches porn. That is my boundary, and I stick to it. I just want to say that to let you know if you wish to make that your boundary, then go ahead. We do not have to have a relationship with someone who does drugs, for ex. So, we do not have to have a relationship with someone who watches porn, either, if we chose that for ourselves. So, it is up to you what you want to allow into your relationship. You can't control another person, but you can end a relationship if you choose.