Question for supporters

[Danid]

Hi. My relationship has turned pretty cold after a long string of arguments and I fear my guy may be falling out of love with me.

I said some hurtful things, like I always do, and the last fight seemed to put the cherry on top. It's only been a week but he has hardly said he loves me or touch me. He talks and acts different around me. I can hear anger in his voice that I never heard before from him.

He did tell me after our fight a week ago that it would take him a long time to not be angry but that he still loves me.

I don't know how to respond to any of it. I can't always guess right how I'm supposed to show that I care and am sorry. Maybe some input will help?

 

[Ohu]

Are you the supporter or the sufferer?

 

[Danid]

Im the sufferer

 

[Falu]

I'd give him some time. His patience may be running low. Supporters get burnt out sometimes. We get the brunt of the lashing out and emotional responses because we're the closest ones to our sufferers... 99% of the time we can handle it and we know not to take it personally, but every once in awhile that 1% hits.

He said he still loves you, but he just needs some time to get over it. I'd take that to heart.

 

[Hojeda]

I suggest asking this of sufferers, too.

 

[Eredum]

This is a question asked by a sufferer to get the supporter perspective. It's in the exact right spot.

 

[Rutige]

I said some hurtful things, like I always do, and the last fight seemed to put the cherry on top. It's only been a week but he has hardly said he loves me or touch me. He talks and acts different around me.

After my guy lashes out, it sometimes takes me days to get back to a "normal" place, maybe more if the stuff he said was especially personal. I sometimes come around more quickly if there's an apology (specific to what happened, not just a generic "sorry") and if he seems to actually be sorry for it.

 

[Befu]

^^^ditto what Rutige said!!!!

Some of the verbal assaults really leave me wounded. And it can take days to fully recover from it. He knows exactly what to say to destroy me. He goes right for the jugular.

I admit our intimacy suffers because of this.
It really sucks sometimes when the love of our lives can say/scream the most hurtful things in our faces.

I just have to remember his stress is overflowing and he's more than likely disassociated during these times so I try to give him space and go do something for ME.


XO

 

[Zokesa]

This is a question asked by a sufferer to get the supporter perspective. It's in the exact right spot.

Please read and understand. My statement merely reflected the fact that she could indeed get good feedback from sufferers, too.

This kind of response isn't supportive IMHO as its a bit snarky.

 

[Ehahe]

After my husband lashes out, it takes me some time to recover from it. The way we get through it is to try and talk about it, and he gives me some space. After he explains where he is coming from and how he is feeling and apologizes I feel better. I try and be honest with him as to how I am feeling too so that we can be on the same page, and work through it together.

One thing that I have found that helps me is to do something that will help me "recharge my battery's" (aka not feel so burnt out), usually it's going out with some close friends or just having a me day at home.

I hope this helps.

- StarS1

 

[Ihiga]

Why are you, OP, not taking responsibility for your lashing out? Are you working on stopping it? It is not out of your control, and working hard can change it.