Question On Therapy & Your Spouse

[Bubba]

Ok - so I was recently retraumatized when I went to see my husband at his mother's house (long story - he's staying there because he can't take care of himself - he is going thru Xanax withdrawals and has his own anxiety issues). His mother thinks I am abandoning him because his situation started triggering me and I wasn't handling being the sole supporter very well.

Anyway - when I tried to leave her house (sensed a lot of hostility from her) - she attacked me physically and verbally. I ended up in a ball on the ground screaming "leave me alone - let me leave". She wouldn't. She slapped me, said horrible things and I ended up calling 911. My husband just stood there telling his mother to stop - but that was it.

Now I am in full blown PTSD - ranging back to when I was 7 and had an attempted rape - not to mention two divorces to 2 Navy SEALS that were bad ones (the divorces - not the guys). My husband is not very supportive of my PTSD - he thinks I'm "over dramatizing" everything. I am currently separating from him so that I can get into a more therapeutic place - he still can't leave his mothers - has too many fears himself from his withdrawals, but want to work on the relationship once I am able to get stabalized.

Here's the question - he wants to go meet with my therapist with me. My therapist said that is not a good idea, because that is my "safety zone". He doesn't get that. He says he's my husband and he should be able to meet with whomever I am working with.

Not sure what to do - I thought about going with him to his psychiatrist and explaining my history and having him educate my husband on PTSD. Or my sister recommeded having my therapist talk to his psychiatrist.

Any thoughts?

 

[BigBear]

Until he can act like a husband, he doesn't have a husband's rights. IMO he isn't acting the part and therefore he doesn't have them... Sorry that was probably too brutal, but I guess it's my day for tough love.

I wouldn't necessarily trust his Psych. That person would have to do a complete evaluation on you before they could deal with you appropriately. Your T has done the due diligence and should be trusted! I suppose that having the T and the P talk couldn't hurt... But I've been wrong before.

Bear

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

To many boundaries are being crossed and he is not taking the responsibly he should be.

I know its hard but your health matters a lot too. And you have to learn how to take care of yourself and get in a good place mentally.

Take care.

 

[ProudWife99]

Bear said it perfectly. Until he ACTS like a husband, he does not get the rights of a husband. Period.

Do what is best for you and your safety. You've already made the hard choice in separating from him because it was best for you, remember that choice. It is not your responsibility to help him understand PTSD. If he wants to be your husband, he needs to have an understanding of the things that make you tick.

If my husband was allergic to peanuts, it is his responsibility to tell me that he is allergic to peanuts and then tend to his allergies. It is my responsibility to be aware of it, be prepared for it, and know how to handle an allergic reaction if he has one. Does that make sense?

 

[amethist]

Have to agree with Bear myself here.

Until he can act the supportive husband he has no rights on how you care for yourself at all. If he cannot defend you from his mother he has even less rights as far as I can see.

I would also refuse to see him at his mothers too.

Set some boundaries for yourself, and dont let anyone cross them. Including your husband.

 

[Bubba]

Thank you all! I am trying my best to set boundaries. I told him to talk to his psychiatrist about PTSD to understand what he is dealing with. Yesterday he showed up at my new apartment uninvited. The door was unlocked because the cable guy was there and he was going in and out. My husband just walked thru the door and started walking around checking the place out. Then started questioning me about why I was separating from him. True to my PTSD and where I am right now (being recently traumatized) - I totally disassociated and shut down - which he can't stand. I just can't control that. I am going to do EMDR with my therapist as soon as I am in a safe place and can handle dealing with my previous traumas.

Just so frustrating when someone tries to push you to feel and you just can't. I pretty sure I've been emotionally numb my whole life because when any time emotional conflict comes at me - I shut down. I've been that way for as long as I can remember.

Anyway - thru texting I told him to never come to my apartment without being invited. I told him I have the right to my personal space and the right to ask for time to heal. Hopefully he will allow me that.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Well done Bubba, you set those boundaries!

Change the locks if you have to, you need to be secure.

I hope he and his mother are very happy together.