Relationship Question To Any Parents Of Ptsd Sufferers

[jibber]

I was hoping to get some advice from any parents of PTSD sufferers. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, they are incredibly supportive in everything I've done, and my mom especially is extremely similar to me and I normally feel as though I can tell her anything, except for this.

A year and a half ago I was attacked by a man who tried to rape and kill me. I got away, but I never told my family. I was diagnosed with PTSD five months ago, and through the whole thing I've never told anyone in my family. I can only go to visit my family about once a year, and it's been quite easy to keep them in the dark about what I've been through. I do have support here, I have wonderful friends that feel more like family, a good therapist, and of course, these forums, so I don't feel alone (well, as much as possible anyways). I do feel strange however that my family are unaware of such a huge part of my life. It's strange to be keeping such a big secret from them, but I hate the idea of causing my family any pain. I feel like I'm doing alright without them knowing, so I don't want to burden them, and I don't want them to have to worry about me or worry about my safety.

In my head, I feel like my family would want to know, but I feel like since I've kept it from them for so long it will just be hurting them even more. On top of the worry and the grief they'll also feel betrayed that I didn't come to them for help. I can't imagine a more supportive or loving family so I can't stand the thought of hurting them. I'm also terrified. I don't know how to even begin to tell them how much I've been keeping from them. As well, I don't know if I'll want my mom or my dad to be a supporter. They live in a different city, and they haven't been there to witness the whole part of my PTSD like my two friends here have. A selfish part of me doesn't want to tell them because I don't want to have to go over all of it. I don't want to have to answer questions about how I'm doing when I call home, or worry that they're worried about me. They're so proud of me for going back to university and doing well, I don't want that to change. I like phoning home now because when I'm having a good day I can talk to them and tell them about all the good things in my life, and know that they're really happy for me. I'm scared that telling them about my PTSD will take that away.

My question is, if you have a son/daughter who has PTSD, what was it like for you when you found out? Are you a primary supporter, and if not, are you hurt by that? Relieved? I have no idea what it's like to be a parent, and only a small idea what my first supporter went through when my PTSD was completely uncontrolled. I'm managing it much better now, so part of it is I don't want to tell my family and have them think that I'm back where I was five months ago where I was non-functional and flying off the handle at every little thing. Would you feel hurt if you found out your son or daughter had kept this from you for a long time? Thank you very much to anyone who can give me any kind of perspective on this, I really appreciate it.

Also, just a little aside to any supporter who reads this, my best friend and former roommate was my first supporter. I was hellish and horrible to live with for the first month or two we lived together, and she was dealing with a lot at the same time but managed to keep me together, so while I'm here and after having a good day, thank you for what you're doing.

 

[sisu]

Hello jibber,
Sorry - just saw this post. I know you asked for a parent of a child with PTSD. I am a parent and I am a supporter (to my PTSD boyfriend), but my kids do not have PTSD. I can give you my perspective as a parent and use my knowledge as a supporter too... (hope that is okay with you) Hopefully one of the parents of someone with PTSD will respond too once they get a free moment.

In reading your post I can totally understand why you are teetering back and forth. You are doing great now and have the therapy and support you need to be successful. Plus you live in a different town and going to a university and you don't want them to worry about you. But honestly, they probably worry about you anyway - it's the natural parent response to when your child is not in your sights. :p

I don't think they will feel betrayed because you didn't tell them from the start - they may feel hurt because they love you and want to be there for you. But if you explain why you didn't tell them and that it took over a year to realize that there was a bigger problem than just the attack, they will understand. The PTSD didn't get diagnosed until 5 months ago and in that time you were getting therapy and learning new ways to cope. You are just now feeling ready to tell them and they will understand that too. Plus you can tell them the version that you think they can handle - enough to understand but not all of the details.

As a mom I would want to know and it's better now than in 5 years. You have a good reason to have delayed telling them right now, in 5 years you won't.

**it should be noted that I am not a therapist and only a loving parent - this above is just my opinion and I sincerely hope it was not offensive to you**

I am so glad you found help and are doing much better - Yay jibber!! Take care of yourself!!

 

[jibber]

Thanks sisu, that was actually exactly the type of response I was looking for. I have a therapist and a couple of very good friends who are willing and able to support me, but I can't really have the perspective of a parent, so thank you for weighing in.