Questioning T's experience

[OliveJewel]

will ask him if it's ok to email...

Not unreasonable! I’d say it’s pretty nice that he gave you a response! Often my T wouldn’t respond to my emails at all and then in session she’d address the content. I think a big challenge with email other than the privacy thing is that it’s difficult and time-consuming for a therapist to provide their services through email, especially for something as big as “I don’t trust you.”

As far as the difficulty of saying things out loud or bringing things to their attention while in the room with them? That’s often the lion’s share of why you are even going to them in the first place. It can take years for important stuff to bubble up and trickle out while in session, but the pay off is grand. So while it may seem like a monumental task (it is! And there are often multiple mountains to scale) working toward that goal IS the work.

“boundaries.. said i can bring stuff in writing in session time.”

A sign of a good therapist is good boundaries—evidence that they have experience!

 

[DharmaGirl]

I lived most of my life dissociated until I had therapy at age 52. I didn't really know what it was but it helped me through all the hard times. Everyone dissociates, it's on a spectrum from daydreaming to dissociative identity disorder. You can't be present 100% of the time, it's not possible. It's ok to dissociate in therapy since you have to establish a relationship with your therapist to feel comfortable being present with him. I couldn't even look at mine until about 3 months in. Eventually I was able to look at him and practice being present. Dissociation is a tool you've used for a long time, it might take some time to stop using it. The way he reacts to your dissociation is probably his go to reaction. I bet more than half of his patients dissociate during therapy at least part of the time. If he only does trauma patients, I'd say all of them, lol.

 

[beaneeboo]

You didn't do anything wrong. You tested a boundary - one I'm not sure you were even aware existed. I guaranteed that therapist has much greater boundaries tested all the time. It's natural to feel embarrassed, but to me it's not something worth ending therapy over.

I'm sure when you apologize at your next session, your T will tell you it's not a big deal. But it IS a good example of holding boundaries, which so many of us with PTSD struggle with.

Thanks somerandomguy I appreciated the quick response time as I went down really quick with this one...

trying to stay on top of this...what you've written are all good points... I'm not sure if I have cptsd or not. One therapist said they thought I do. I got diagnosed with what used to be called DDNOS but not sure I agree with it. Regardless I clearly struggle with some relational aspects. Guess I need to understand this boundary which has popped up now.

Oh the email between sessions thing! Many a page in my diary about this emotional saga!

Many T's don't allow email between sessions, or have strict rules about when they do and how they will respond.

You didn't do anything wrong.
.but, it's really good to know what his boundaires are with it.

I take positives from your email and his response though:
You were brave and did something outside your comfort zone.
He read your email.
He responded.
He provided a reason (your data safety) for why he would delete it (so whilst it doesn't feel like it, it is care about you).
And he provided a way for you to share things in writing if you can't use words.


So , nothing about that tells me that what you did wrong. So no need to feel shame. And that your response is linked to all the past?

This is all ok.
.so easy for me to say, as JHC I have had the feelings you are currently having so so so so many times. Horrible! But it is actually all ok.

Again thank you for the quick reply. I'm very grateful to have this place to turn to.

It's reassuring to know other people have struggled with this situation and it's not just me (though obvs I'm sorry you have). Thank you for pointing out the positives of this situation. Important to hear those- it is very easy for me to go on a downward spiral but I'm really taking in board other people's objective opinions.

Hearing someone else say its going to be ok is reassuring thank you. Think I'm just struggling with a classic rejection response. 'What you want to tell me i can't handle and you're too much'. Just got to rework that in my head.

It's about only having access to that support in therapy time and the boundaries to keep that in place is for my own good. That's what I'm hearing from others and trying to tell myself.

.

Not unreasonable! I’d say it’s pretty nice that he gave you a response! Often my T wouldn’t respond to my emails at all and then in session she’d address the content. I think a big challenge with email other than the privacy thing is that it’s difficult and time-consuming for a therapist to provide their services through email, especially for something as big as “I don’t trust you.”

As far as the difficulty of saying things out loud or bringing things to their attention while in the room with them? That’s often the lion’s share of why you are even going to them in the first place. It can take years for important stuff to bubble up and trickle out while in session, but the pay off is grand. So while it may seem like a monumental task (it is! And there are often multiple mountains to scale) working toward that goal IS the work.

“boundaries.. said i can bring stuff in writing in session time.”

A sign of a good therapist is good boundaries—evidence that they have experience!

I get everything you're saying and agree. The thing is, I didn't expect him to do loads of work for me between our sessions. I just wanted somewhere to park what's difficult to talk about in session which I know I won't be able to instigate in convo myself. I didn't expect him to even respond. But that's not an option now so it kind of forces me down a therapy route I wasn't intending to go. I was hoping to park the history stuff elsewhere in writing. Then talk about stuff I can address in the room.

I guess that's me being naive

IYou can't be present 100% of the time, it's not possible. It's ok to dissociate in therapy since you have to establish a relationship with your therapist to feel comfortable being present with him.

Thank you for saying this. I've been feeling like such a f*** up for not being able to control it in session, giving myself a hard time that I'm making myself do it and creating drama out of nothing. I'd not really considered that actually the act of building a relationship with someone I don't know whilst trying to address really sensitive material from my life is pretty triggering for the dissociation. So thank you for helping trying to normalise it.

 

[Freddyt]

Thank you for saying this. I've been feeling like such a f*** up for not being able to control it in session, giving myself a hard time that I'm making myself do it and creating drama out of nothing.

We are experts at that............ When I learned about the changes PTSD makes in your brain I learned two important facts....

1. PTSD lies to me. It interprets everything through fear and how much fear to assign to everything. All it understands - fear and survival and when you get to a certain point it shuts everything else down and goes into "auto" (dissociated) mode.

2. The big thinky part of my brain (prefrontal cortex) that should help me understand other people doesn't work right...........so I don't understand other people well and my automatic reaction is fear and distrust.

In both of those fear and stress is the big thing. Controling it is hard but when you get the hang of it, you can avoid dissociation more often. The single biggest help outside therapy was this:

The ptsd cup explanation

Nearly a decade ago (2006) I wrote The PTSD Cup Explanation, a simple view of how PTSD causes symptoms in day-to-day life. This article is an update to that original piece. Regardless of the type of trauma endured, the PTSD Cup does not change, deviate or apply differently to your circumstance...

www.myptsd.com

 

[beaneeboo]

We are experts at that............ When I learned about the changes PTSD makes in your brain I learned two important facts....

1. PTSD lies to me. It interprets everything through fear and how much fear to assign to everything. All it understands - fear and survival and when you get to a certain point it shuts everything else down and goes into "auto" (dissociated) mode.

2. The big thinky part of my brain (prefrontal cortex) that should help me understand other people doesn't work right...........so I don't understand other people well and my automatic reaction is fear and distrust.

In both of those fear and stress is the big thing. Controling it is hard but when you get the hang of it, you can avoid dissociation more often. The single biggest help outside therapy was this:

The ptsd cup explanation

Nearly a decade ago (2006) I wrote The PTSD Cup Explanation, a simple view of how PTSD causes symptoms in day-to-day life. This article is an update to that original piece. Regardless of the type of trauma endured, the PTSD Cup does not change, deviate or apply differently to your circumstance...

www.myptsd.com

This is a great article to bring attention to thank you. It's really clear. I'm going to read it a few times.

How ironic that since starting therapy my bad stressors have increased so much!

Just to add to what you're saying, the thing for me is that I do actually think I understand people and I'm good with them.

Oh, actually just thinking outloud about this... this could be where my parts come in. Strong confident social me is a good judge of people and understands them. But that's not who has presented themselves in therapy and who is causing so much grief atm.

Don't mean to sound cryptic. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Freddyt]

How ironic that since starting therapy my bad stressors have increased so much!

Understanding what your stressors are and learning to deal with them in a way that affects you least when doing trauma work in therapy = a huge win.

Because yeah, therapy will make things worse at times, guaranteed.

Getting a handle on your stress cup makes living life when that happens so much easier. Bigger than that - you learn to feel when that stress is happening in everyday life and figure out why......

 

[Friday]

I feel embarrassed and just really tearful. I'm working and trying to hold it together. I really wanted somewhere to park the difficult stuff. Not just park but have someone hold it. It's such a lonely experience dealing with parts on my own. I didn't expect him to support me between sessions just hoped to add to the strategies of communicating safely.

He’d be court ordered to present all emails, texts, and outside communications. As they’re not protected under doctor patient confidentiality.

Plus there is no real expectation of privacy, as anyone in GodMode -from either of your email services or internet service providers or devices or mobile networks- can access emails sent. Brining it in, in person, means the courts cannot order him to turn it over (as he only has his notes, not the physical document) .

It’s protective of you.

Someone being protective of you? Is nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

[beaneeboo]

Understanding what your stressors are and learning to deal with them in a way that affects you least when doing trauma work in therapy = a huge win.

Because yeah, therapy will make things worse at times, guaranteed.

Getting a handle on your stress cup makes living life when that happens so much easier. Bigger than that - you learn to feel when that stress is happening in everyday life and figure out why......

I get this as a concept. And I'm a pretty analytical person. I do read what you've read and my mind goes blank. Can't quite grasp how to do this.

I guess it's reflecting on what made me trigger in the first place?

Often it's nothing. I'm not stressed or in danger or threatened in any context and then it just happens...

In therapy I'm triggered just by talking with him ffs. The first major trigger was him asking about my relationship with my dad. Didn't want to go there. But I'm not sure I have a clear cut idea about other things. I honestly think when I'm tired. Or out with too many people in a crowded area.

Trying to link this to trauma - I don't have flash backs. And I can't put my life experiences down to trauma. I don't remember lots of things. And so here we go back on the merry go round of self questioning ...

 

[beaneeboo]

He’d be court ordered to present all emails, texts, and outside communications. As they’re not protected under doctor patient confidentiality.

Plus there is no real expectation of privacy, as anyone in GodMode -from either of your email services or internet service providers or devices or mobile networks- can access emails sent. Brining it in, in person, means the courts cannot order him to turn it over (as he only has his notes, not the physical document) .

It’s protective of you.

Someone being protective of you? Is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Thank you for offering up this info. This is good to know.

I'm curious as to why they aren't protected like other professionals.

Framing it as you have is really really helpful for me - as that's not how I was seeing at all before. Thanks

 

[OliveJewel]

I was hoping to park the history stuff elsewhere in writing. Then talk about stuff I can address in the room.

Here is a good place to park stuff. Or in your own private journal. Then it’s ready when you go into session.

 

[whiteraven]

He’d be court ordered to present all emails, texts, and outside communications. As they’re not protected under doctor patient confidentiality.

Can you provide a source for this? I have been researching it and am finding that the opposite is true.

Of course, nothing over the internet can really be considered private or safe, but I'm interested in the rule of law here.

 

[Charbella]

Can you provide a source for this? I have been researching it and am finding that the opposite is true.

Of course, nothing over the internet can really be considered private or safe, but I'm interested in the rule of law here.

I agree. I email my T sometimes twice a week. It’s a this is what I’ve got, can’t say, don’t want a response, let’s chat in session email. Sometimes he reads it before and sometimes during. He specifically told me that the opposite of what @Friday said is true. Anything that can be court ordered would have to be fairly large court order and would include his notes and the emails but that would be rare and since he does not print the email and add it to his notes they wouldn’t be there.

I do agree that the electronic stuff is certainly crackable and it’s a risk but I can’t imagine anyone is cracking it to find stuff about me. Kind of like yes, Alexa is listening but who the hell wants to hear what I’m saying bad enough to crack it.

@beaneeboo. I used to bring journals into session with my old T. Most are willing to read in session. If you prefer email then write it and keep it in your drafts box to add to all week and then when you get there email it so he can read and delete, I mean ask of course but just another option to consider. My T knows I send it expecting no response. We even had a discussion that his “see you Tuesday” in response was too much for me. My advice write down all your concerns and then ask him how to address similar things going forward.