Questioning T's experience

[OliveJewel]

Does it not feel a bit strange having them read it out whilst you sit there? Doesn't it feel awkward?

Yes it does! But feeling strange and awkward in session is part and parcel for the work! It’s the ability to stay present with yourself when you feel uncomfortable feelings that the therapist models for you.

They are professionals at staying present. Clients often project feelings onto the T that they are familiar with from the past. (“T is bored/angry/annoyed with me.”).

 

[Charbella]

Does it not feel a bit strange having them read it out whilst you sit there? Doesn't it feel awkward?

Sure does, but less uncomfortable then leaving the session and wondering about all the things you couldn’t ask. For me that list is a mile long because silence is my answer to overwhelm. So when my T reads in session I happily play with my silent fidget and the feeling of awkwardness that feels like it might never end, it does.

Actually you might try having a fidget that makes no noise to help keep you from dissociating if that’s a goal of yours. For me I started bringing a fidget for ADHD and found that it helps channel some of the energy that comes up when talking about all the hard things. T likes it because my level of fidget gives him a clue as to where I’m at since I’m not easy to read.

Just some thoughts, take what helps, leave the rest.

 

[beaneeboo]

It’s the ability to stay present with yourself when you feel uncomfortable feelings that the therapist models for you.

You put things so well. This is (yet another) revelation to me. I know it sounds stupid but thinking of it in this way makes it more worth while to keep going. Since I'm unable to control my dissociation when I feel uncomfortable feelings. Before I was thinking what's the point in even going if I'm just going to be triggered and then retriggered (can't see an end to it). But if the end goal is to then be able to control how I react to being triggered that makes more sense.

Talk about being slow on the up take .. sorry! And thanks for pointing it out.

Sure does, but less uncomfortable then leaving the session and wondering about all the things you couldn’t ask. For me that list is a mile long because silence is my answer to overwhelm. So when my T reads in session I happily play with my silent fidget and the feeling of awkwardness that feels like it might never end, it does.

Actually you might try having a fidget that makes no noise to help keep you from dissociating if that’s a goal of yours. For me I started bringing a fidget for ADHD and found that it helps channel some of the energy that comes up when talking about all the hard things. T likes it because my level of fidget gives him a clue as to where I’m at since I’m not easy to read.

Just some thoughts, take what helps, leave the rest.

Thank you charbella, it all helps...think I'm similar to you in that I can dissociate and it's not easy for others to read... taking a fidget toy is a good idea - my son has plenty!...I normally play with my fingers... but feel awkward doing that...

That's a good point about there being a play off between feeling uncomfortable during session bringing things which are hard, vs not talking about them and then leaving the session wondering about a whole load of stuff - which in the long run is possibly harder work in some ways...

 

[beaneeboo]

Ugh sorry to be posting again.

Having another reaction. T just emailed (it's Sunday night here), saying I need to say whether I'm continuing with sessions or not as he has another client wanting to start ASAP. (I'd let him know I'd get back to him about it).

This is completely fair from his point of view. But it's sending me in a spin because a) it was only 2 days ago that I received that email about him not wanting me to email between sessions
b) if he's wanting to be boundaried with emails why is he emailing me on a Sunday night about this?

Could he not have waited until at least tomorrow morning?

I'm just fighting feelings of he doesn't really care either way whether I come back or not. He just needs tu know either way. Is this me having an emotional reaction again which is completely on me?

 

[Movingforward10]

I would feel exactly the same way.

But maybe break it down to two things:

1) responding to his email
2) your feelings about his email.

Taking the first one. No one needs to respond to an email asap. Did he say when he would need to know by? If not, you can respond when you are ready and know the answer. If you know the answer now, no harm in responding now? If you don’t know the answer, fine to respond saying you don’t know and can you confirm by X? Or don’t respond until you know.

Taking the second one. Good to explore this in the session. Because maybe he will apologise and see that actually here are two emailing situations close in time (unfortunate timing really) and how it makes you feel. i don’t think this is lack of care for you. Just unfortunate and ill timed by him.

There is a difference about emailing to schedule things versus emailing about therapeutic issues. So he might see this as functual. He may do his admin on a Sunday night to prepare for the week. Whole hosts of maybe this, maybe that, for him. whatever he is doing and why, It’s making you feel all these things. Valid feelings. But good to explore with him in therapy.

This maybe also about trust and security in your relationship with him?

 

[beaneeboo]

I would feel exactly the same way.

But maybe break it down to two things:

1) responding to his email
2) your feelings about his email.

Taking the first one. No one needs to respond to an email asap. Did he say when he would need to know by? If not, you can respond when you are ready and know the answer. If you know the answer now, no harm in responding now? If you don’t know the answer, fine to respond saying you don’t know and can you confirm by X? Or don’t respond until you know.

Taking the second one. Good to explore this in the session. Because maybe he will apologise and see that actually here are two emailing situations close in time (unfortunate timing really) and how it makes you feel. i don’t think this is lack of care for you. Just unfortunate and ill timed by him.

There is a difference about emailing to schedule things versus emailing about therapeutic issues. So he might see this as functual. He may do his admin on a Sunday night to prepare for the week. Whole hosts of maybe this, maybe that, for him. whatever he is doing and why, It’s making you feel all these things. Valid feelings. But good to explore with him in therapy.

This maybe also about trust and security in your relationship with him?

Thanks for the speedy reply I really appreciate it. It's really useful breaking it down as you have.

1) Responding, I was building up the courage to say I'd decided to continue and was (ironically) waiting till Monday to be respectful of usual office working hours. Which is why I'm a bit peeved he's now writing on a Sunday night.

He wants to know by Tuesday. So, having thought about what you've said, I think I'll reply in office working hours tomorrow so that I follow my own boundaries. I also feel if I respond now, 2 (part 2) is going to kick off because I've got that growing feeling that I've done something wrong and that's why he's emailing so hurriedly. Trying hard not to go down that route of feeling like I've completely f***** up again.

2) I can see all the points you're making and agree. Again I just feel that a trauma therapist should have awareness that if they have put boundaries down about emailing (which clearly was an issue for me by the way I replied), that it's inflammatory to then write on Sunday evening so soon after his original email. (He also never replied to my response tu his last email.).

It's defo about trust yes - unfortunately it's getting less and less but I really really am trying hard to be objective.

 

[OliveJewel]

There is a difference about emailing to schedule things versus emailing about therapeutic issues.

This. So much this. He has a business. He has to fill spots to pay his bills. Glad he gave you a deadline and that you’re able to respond to it.

 

[beaneeboo]

This. So much this. He has a business. He has to fill spots to pay his bills. Glad he gave you a deadline and that you’re able to respond to it.

I do get that olivejewel and I would never expect him to hold a spot for more than appropriate.

I'm sorry I'm creating a drama.

I've emailed him saying I hadn't responded as I was waiting for office hours tomorrow. And I confirmed about going forward for 3 sessions then review as he proposed.

 

[Movingforward10]

You’re not creating a drama. You’re exploring the complex dynamics that these therapeutic relationships throw up.

He also never replied to my response tu his last email.).

I can understand why he wouldn’t. My T, in 3 years, has only ever responded again once. (What I mean about that is: I email, she responds, I email an acknowledgment or something, she doesn’t respond again). The only time she did respond again was when she invited me to email again as she wanted to make sure I was ok as it was a crisis type time.
So him not responding, isn’t a sign of lack of care, just boundaries.

all of which means: you’re not doing anything wrong.
this therapeutic relationship is bringing up these primal feelings for you. Highlighting all fears, worries etc from deep wounds from the past. As painful and unsettling (and so freaking frustrating in my opinion!) As it is, working through it is meant to be a path to healing. (Why the path can’t be less painful, I really do not know….)

 

[beaneeboo]

You’re not creating a drama. You’re exploring the complex dynamics that these therapeutic relationships throw up.


I can understand why he wouldn’t. My T, in 3 years, has only ever responded again once. (What I mean about that is: I email, she responds, I email an acknowledgment or something, she doesn’t respond again). The only time she did respond again was when she invited me to email again as she wanted to make sure I was ok as it was a crisis type time.
So him not responding, isn’t a sign of lack of care, just boundaries.

all of which means: you’re not doing anything wrong.
this therapeutic relationship is bringing up these primal feelings for you. Highlighting all fears, worries etc from deep wounds from the past. As painful and unsettling (and so freaking frustrating in my opinion!) As it is, working through it is meant to be a path to healing. (Why the path can’t be less painful, I really do not know….)

Thank you Movingforward10, I really appreciate your response and it's not lost on me that everyone here has their own things to deal with here and that there's no obligation to respond... so thank you.

I get the email scenario you describe between your T ... it makes sense... I'm trying to fit that to my scenario.

I'm having a dive over all this but I'm trying hard to stand back and define what my thoughts and feelings are so I can look at them and (when I'm less triggered) then try to understand them

If I can then take this to T and work through it with him (if I don't dissociate and go silent which I think will be quite likely) that may be a good starting point.

Just got to get out of feeling something bad has happened and something bad will happen. One step at a time.