Quit Therapy

[raking72]

You seem to want to blame you ex for your life's crises. Maybe it would be a good idea to take a look at not being a victim.

I don't know how my post came across that I blame my ex for all of my life's crises. The only mention of my ex was my low self esteem. I don't think I was conceited before I met my ex, but I did think well of myself. But after 7 years of being beat up and told how worthless I am and if I was any better he wouldn't have to beat me up, I would think that he had a big part of my self esteem problems. I have actually always blamed myself for the abuse. I am the one who chose to stay for 7 years. I let him abuse me. I had even left him once after he was arrested but I was stupid enough to go back. That is one of the things my therapist had been working with me on. We had gone over the control wheel and how abusers use the things in that wheel to manipulate and control the relationship so that I felt I had to stay.


Thank you all for your support. I don't feel my therapist did anything wrong and I wasn't blaming her. We had always had a good relationship. I also don't blame my boyfriend. I can see both of their sides and that they were just trying to defend themselves. I don't know if it's just the side of me that wants to please everyone, but I feel like they were both right. I don't have a problem with either one of them, I just don't want to be in that situation again and I know it probably will happen since my boyfriend isn't fond of her.

I don't have anyone else I can take with me. I haven't told anyone else that my ex abused me. I had always kept it a secret and I don't want them to judge me or see me differently if they knew. My friends and family know that we had a strained relationship, but nothing else. My boyfriend is the only person I have opened up to about it outside of my therapist. The friends that I did have the have seen the abuse and know about it are no longer friends. I cut them all out of my life years ago.

I think I will try emailing my therapist to let her know how I felt and why I don't want to go back. I have always felt safer dealing with confrontation through email or text. When my boyfriend and I get into a disagreement I usually end up leaving the house and texting him once I am in my car and safe. I know he would never hurt me or my therapist would never hurt me. I don't know why I get so worked up when there is any sign of conflict. Hopefully my therapist will be able to give me some insight because I would like to go back and see her, I just don't know how I can right now.

 

[nursenurse]

Just my two cents worth while waiting in an airport. I think you need to evaluate you relationship with your boyfriend. I do not think your therapist is as much of a problem as he is. He may be your rock, but I see him as one that may drag you under, not as one to cling to. Over and out.

 

[digger]

Unless this is intended to be couples/relationship therapy, then I would strongly suggest going alone and taking time to build up the trust with your therapist so you can talk about things with her. A lot of people can't do that straight away. Maybe your boyfriend could just go with you and wait in the waiting room or the car so you still have some level of support from him? It seems a shame to quit over a problem that exists because of their relationship rather than yours.
Email your therapist and explain how the last session made you feel with those two arguing and say you need things to change - see what she comes up with? There are more options here than quitting if you want to look at them.

 

[raking72]

@scout86 I had met my current boyfriend before I divorced my ex. My ex and I were living with my parents for about 6 months so he wasn't physically abusive at the time. He couldn't with my parents always home (they are retired) because they didn't know about it and would have sent him to jail if they found out. My ex was really pushing for us to move out of my parents house into our own place but I panicked because I knew if we did, the physical abuse would start up again. My ex smoked pot so I had used that as an excuse to kick him out of my parents house. I told him that he had one week to move and if he didn't then my parents were going to call the police and have him escorted out. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and we also had a 2 year old together. Well, before that week was up, he took our son without my knowing and left. There wasn't anything I could do about it. I hired a lawyer right away but courts were going to take months before I could even try getting him back. So I started seeing my current boyfriend when my ex left. It was a really bad time for me, I don't know if I was just clinging on to any kind of relationship at the time. We were seeing each other for a few months and the whole time my ex was trying to get me back. I eventually went back to my ex so that I could have my son back. At the time, I thought I was being selfish and didn't want to tear my family apart. He seemed very remorseful and I thought that the abuse would stop since he knew I was capable of leaving him. Well the abuse started again when we got our own place and after I had my daughter I left him for good. I started seeing my current boyfriend again who was always supportive of my choices, even when I took my ex back. When I started seeing my boyfriend again (after I was divorced) he cheated on me. He had said that he wasn't sure if I would take my ex back because I have had a history of it. He has never blamed me for him cheating though and has always said that was his own choice and he should have never done it. I just know that if I hadn't taken my ex back, he wouldn't have cheated.

I have always had concerns about my boyfriend. I don't even know why I worry about him turning into my ex, I think I am just paranoid. He has always been very supportive. He has always listened to me and offer guidance, even when I am being irrational. Sometimes he can be a little pushy, he wants to know details about my ex and the past but it's hard for me to talk about. He'll say things like he understands if I don't trust him enough to talk to him about it. It's not that I don't trust him, its just hard to talk about. He doesn't like it when I leave the house when there is any sign of conflict. He said he would rather work it out right then and there. But he has never stopped me and has told me that if I am more comfortable that way, then I should do what makes me comfortable. There have been some nights where I wake up from nightmares and he will lay awake with me for hours to comfort me. Or sometimes I will wake up and hear noises downstairs, and even though it's probably just the cat he will go downstairs and check all the rooms and closets for me to make sure there isn't anyone else in the house.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I could never talk about my traumas with my husband present. I don't do a lot of talking on a lot of days, but I go at my own pace and that works for me. Your therapy should be about you and what's best for you. The situation between your therapist and your boyfriend won't help. I would recommend that you make an appointment to see your therapist alone if only so you can tell her why you are quitting. Maybe a different situation of support could be arranged. Maybe your boyfriend could drive you and pick you up and support you after your appointments. You say it works for you and maybe that's true, I am not you, but I would want to be in charge of my own therapy and let my husband be my supporter outside of that. Even if that means sitting in silence in therapy or writing out what is too hard to say out loud as often is the case for me.

 

[whserenitynluv]

I'm glad you found so,e safety in your boyfriend. Having someone do those things for you is precious. It's comforting to know you have that and I am happy for you:)

 

[scout86]

@raking72 ,that was a difficult situation and I'm glad you got out of it.

You have a lot to deal with and a lot to sort out. Sometimes it really is easier to do that when you're NOT real involved in a relationship. At some point, you owe it to yourself to figure out who YOU are and what you want for yourself. Actually, you owe it to your kids too. You're probably not going to like my suggestion. My opinion is that it would be best for YOU (and your kids) if you put your relationship with your current BF on hold for a bit, worked on therapy, either with your current T or someone you're more comfortable with, and got yourself to a place where you have more confidence in yourself, what you want, what you deserve, etc. If he loves you, he'll understand and wait. Really he will. At least talk this over (by email or what ever) with your T to make sure you're making the right choices for the right reasons. This guy sounds WAY better than your ex, but you still need to be able to trust yourself and be sure you're looking out for yourself and your kids. From what you wrote here, you sound smart and insightful. Even people with all that going for them can make bad choices in the wrong situation.

Take care of yourself!

 

[Justmehere]

It is your choice to quit or not. I'm concerned that you will run into this problem with any therapist that you bring your boyfriend with at every session. His reaction seems normal - but it's also inappropriate. She is the trained professional. She has reasons for doing what she does. She should have shut down the whole thing at the scheduled time.

In the end, quit or stay, I think this is your opportunity and take responsibility for your recovery and tell your boyfriend and tell your therapist that this is not working for YOU. That you value both of them, but this can't go on.

I also encourage you to begin to look at the reasons why you need someone to come along and begin to work through those. I get it. I myself have to have phone sessions with my therapist sometimes because I get too scared to sit in her office alone with her. She will be in her office and I will be at home and she will call me and the session will go as it would if I was in her office, but just on the phone. It has done wonders for my healing.
I have brought a friend along now and then, but it completely changes the dynamics even if they just sit there and observe. And outsider or untrained person wouldn't understand and I am sure would be frustrated with any therapist if they were watching the therapy process with someone they love and care about. This would be especially true if the therapist drew them into the session too.

 

[TonyG]

I have told my wife about my trauma but not in detail, I could never expose her to the horror, can't imagine her coming to my sessions, I can barley talk about it myself.

 

[BigBear]

My T has always been willing to talk to me about the format of the session. Could you go without your BF and insist that the session be only to talk about format. Your T should be more concerned about keeping you in Therapy then about hurrying the process. Perhaps your T isn't seeing that you are about to withdraw. That helps no one.

Bear