Rage And Emotional Issues - Stemming From Infant Abuse

[James B.]

Things that are unknown include the level of violence I was exposed to in the womb, or....wait....very early stuff: once, while terrified (big sister) I ran holding my breath and hit my head on a counter and was knocked unconscious. They said I turned purple. It became another trophy story, told with jeers, about how they had scared me so bad, and I hit my head on the counter, and was KO'd. I have a scar on my forehead from hitting it on the metal counter edge. The counter had low shelves, that's why I hit one. I was holding my breath the whole time I ran from one end of the house to the other. This is probably one reason I blacked out, or it could have been the blow to the head. IDK.

 

[James B.]

Lifelong problems breathing, holding my breath.

 

[NIKI]

(((James))) I am so angry at your sibling for treating you that way!!! You were a beautiful child that should have been treated with care, love and protection!

I hope karma comes around to each of them.

 

[James B.]

Thanks NIKI. It has been a day just feeling kinda sick.

I appreciate your warm thoughts and advice a lot. I know digging around in this stuff will sometimes make me feel bad. But there've been many good days too, and I think after a while my symptoms will settle down a lot, back like before. Maybe better?

It has been really hard breathing lately. It has become more noticeable (I think) in that I can't ignore how much I hold my breath. (!) But this is probably a symptom thing, because of all the acupuncture, etc. I feel pretty well supported and stable. And am glad to have finally started a thread on the Depression And Suicidal Ideation forum. I had been afraid. There are moments, like a brief flash, where I feel like not being alive. And then it usually leaves. When I feel like this, even once, I sense my stress cup runneth-over in some way, some aspect of my life. Red flag I guess.

Thanks again NIKI. Hearing your friendly voice has helped me feel safe and supported even more. You are a good friend and have been there for me before when I was doing really crummy. So thanks. :tup:

 

[Tessa]

Here is a hug for the frightened hurting little child who endured so much abuse. I hope the warmth of care will help to ease the pain. Please stay with us. I know the suicidal thoughts well and they tend to come in peaks and troughs. Hold tight with us while you come through again.

 

[James B.]

Thank you Tessa, what a wonderful thing to say.

 

[Sammy]

I have been reading and feeling very angry that you had to endure this. No one deserves this. I also stop breathing. Not so much holding my breath - just stop breathing. I feel it in my chest. I have to make myself stop, take a few slow, deep breaths or I will then hyperventilate, fast and shallow. Mini-meditation breaks slow breaths, close my eyes, try to empty my mind and just focus on my breath going in and out, slowly relaxing muscles. It helps - for a few minutes at least and stops my mind from spinning too much (which helps me breath more normally).

Take care of yourself. You do not have to tackle everything at once. Remember to live, find things you enjoy and relax. You are much loved here. No matter what happened with your horribly dysfunctional family, you are wanted and a valuable member of this society. Sending hugs and prayers. You will get through this phase.

((James))

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi James,

I am so sorry for all of the HITS that you have had to suffer through. The experiences sound absolutely atrocious! You obviously did not deserve a single one. How terrified you must have felt and still feel.

Have you thought about starting a diary? Either on here or on your own to publish?

I see you as one very strong man. You can admit the experiences and acknowledge your feelings.

My heart goes out to you...

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

My God James... please don't allow this trauma to steal your life - that would be so unfair to you. Breathe - breathe - draw in the wind to your lungs. Each breath - a dose of freedom.

Stand tall, deal with those assholes when you feel strong to look them in the eye - tell them what a 'piece of shit' they are and were if they can't see how f%#Cked up it was for all of you.... they all need therapy and at least you have the brains and courage to know life can get better with people who care for you, support you and not judge you.

James, I have lived a lifetime of violence and abuse AND at a young age I was stoned by a group of kids! Abusive nuns and the list grows. My thoughts out of control - I would day-dream ways to hurt those who viciously hurt me - the rage only grew inside - one day - I had to let go - because I hurt the wrong person with displaced anger - my son - this guilt I could do without. And you have a chance to fix yourself before something like this happens again... Stay tough... people do care...

 

[James B.]

I also stop breathing. Not so much holding my breath - just stop breathing. I feel it in my chest. I have to make myself stop, take a few slow, deep breaths or I will then hyperventilate, fast and shallow.

Thank you Sammy, you describe it pretty well, maybe more accurate: "just stop breathing". The mini-meditations sound good (I have been tapping) but think the meditations will help too.

Have you thought about starting a diary? Either on here or on your own to publish?

Yes, DGN, and thank you for the support. I made a diary, but wimped out on this early injury stuff (lol) or it just needed some more air-time. Your words have helped, thanks again.

- the rage only grew inside - one day - I had to let go -

Yes, Linda Lee, I know how this feels. Mine has been peeling away in stages, or layers (with these massive grief catharsis 'episodes"...). And a little more light shines in each time. I am sorry for the serious life-altering trauma you experienced as well, and appreciate your supportive insights.

 

[James B.]

Hit 6;

this is a cumulative "hit' - it revolves around the kitchen in the home we lived in when I was a little kid. Hit 6, as defined here is the net effect of being in the kitchen where many psychotic rage antics were acted out by my mentally ill father.

He used to throw the dishes out of the cubard, and send them crashing (exploding) onto the floor. Once, as an infant/near infant I was sitting on the kitchen floor, and got blasted with the glass flak (shrapnel) of all the dishes exploding in front of me. Hit yes, but not sure if I was injured, but have mysterious scar on right eye-brow that may be from this incident.

Hit 6 also includes the effect of sitting at the dinner table terrified. (!) Dad would often fly into a rage and swipe the whole dinner onto the floor with his arm. I remember that peculiar sick feeling when it would happen again. This (because my sister was 10 years older than I) may have been partly responsible for her panic attacks as an adult.

In the kitchen there would also be violent arguing. And I have a memory fragment of turning away and hiding, because it looked like my dad (5' 10" tall) was hurting my mom (4' 11" tall) again.

Thanks for letting me explore this.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((James)))))

Am trying to witness as I can. Your experiences are so triggering for me, both as a medic and a child.

I'm so sorry.

*sick at heart*