Rage And Emotional Issues - Stemming From Infant Abuse

[Sethe]

James:

I hear what you are saying and I can empathize with you. I know what it's like to be in the presence of someone who is most likely mentally ill and very, very destructive. We had problems at the dinner table too.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[James B.]

Makes me kinda sick at heart too, Bloom.

Kinda like a sick coating on my insides that won't wash away. What a legacy to have in one's past. This brings up all the years I spent in a kind of purgatory isolation, basically until I found this place that Anthony's created for us. My trauma feels like a stain. And the stain seems to radiate that same sick feeling of sitting at the dinner table a little boy, freaked out of my mind.

I know I'm not alone. And some of my friends here had it maybe worse, or worse in some ways. Q: is a comparison of trauma severity relevant? My feeling is that it is of value to know what some have been through, how they have coped/are coping. And the (somewhat relative) level of recovery over the years. This helps us, I think. It helps me because I feel more alright about living a slightly limited life, one within my abilities.

It may be that the dinner table, and events in the kitchen, had a lot to do with my breathing problem. "Hit 6" seemed an up-tick in "non-breathing mode". I simply don't breath. (!!!) Then go...oh, "breath". I breath in. Then go back to not breathing....LOL. (#!&^%*#^%!!!) :eek:

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

James - I just want you to heal - be happy and make it.

 

[Sammy]

Personally, I do not think comparing is relevant. We are all different and what is hard for one, might not be for another. What is important is, what was hard for you! What was trauma for you? I cannot heal your trauma. You cannot heal mine. We may have similarities, but they are not the same. What we can do is offer support and some level of understanding. But your healing is your healing. Kinda sucks sometimes. I wish someone could fix this for me. Comparing can bring on a "mine is worse than yours" attitude I think that is unhelpful for anyone. My traumas are my traumas. They are mine to work on. I am writing a lot down - just not all of it here. I have kept a journal for a long time and I am trying to understand it. Shoot, trying to remember it all! I work with my T. I spend a lot of time processing, dealing with the ensuing panic, trying to put things in perspective, find my boundaries, figuring out what I can and cannot do. Reading and writing here is one more tool in the healing. Hearing others' stories make me feel less alone. Some things that happened I am still trying to frame as "trauma" and not just life.

Long answer to a short question. I think it is individual and depends on how one uses the stories of others. Do not dimish your trauma, do not use it to excuse your abusers. But, we can help each other heal with coping skills and understanding that our individual limits are our individual limits. Hopefully so we can accept ourselves and learn to be happy.

Wishing you hope and peace.

 

[James B.]

Comparing can bring on a "mine is worse than yours" attitude I think that is unhelpful for anyone. My traumas are my traumas.

Appreciate your thoughts a lot Sammy. It is a kind of triggering topic, and I agree with you.

All this helps me feel around in the dark (so to speak) and see if anything, any time period, or series of events, or places/locations seem like "hot spots" (I guess) then write about it, and see of I can help relieve my problems breathing and stuff. The long-term humiliation and invalidation (type things) seem like trigger prone areas for me, pretty obvious.

 

[Sammy]

Writing about "hot spots" and being willing to put them out there takes great courage. I can't do it. I write in a journal, talk to my T about it but can't write it here. I guess there is a lot of fear of rejection or comparing. I read other people's stories and tell myself mine wasn't so bad. The problem is, that doesn't help me see my traumas as traumas. I guess being told there were starving children in Africa instilled so much guilt, I cannot convince myself I really suffered. Being repeatedly told that no matter what I was feeling, it wasn't justified, was silly or funny, I still see everyone else as suffering trauma but for me, it was just life. It isn't helping me heal. I am still fighting for me. Fighting to believe I matter.

Invalidation, humiliation... I know those. And they hurt. Especially when you are young and trying to figure out your world. It hurts. It hurts a lot. And it is hard to understand, much less learn to cope with.

You are not alone on this journey. Unfortunately, there are others of us who have our own stories. I just have the courage to write them here.

 

[James B.]

Being repeatedly told that no matter what I was feeling, it wasn't justified, was silly or funny, I still see everyone else as suffering trauma but for me, it was just life. It isn't helping me heal. I am still fighting for me. Fighting to believe I matter.

:) You do matter, Sammy. You really really do! :)