Dom Violence random thoughts

[cntrymom08466]

I have so much on my mind lately, I don't know where to turn or what to do. I just want to get it out of my head and down somewhere. I'm not sure this is the right place for this thread. I just need to ramble a bit.

My ex-husband/abuser is getting out of prison on the 18th or 19th of this month. Didn't even have a parole hearing as he has accumulated enough points? Whatever that is. My boss, who is an attorney, told me I should get a protective order before he gets out. Two of my children do not want one, said they are not worried about him. All my kids are grown now and yes he is their biological father. He lost his parental rights before he went to prison. He hurt my girls, more so with my oldest.

I've come to realize recently he "raped" me too, in some aspect. Don't want to get into details right now on that. I know he emotionally abused me and "groomed" me I realize recently as well.

Part of me wants to get the protective order and another part just wants to dare him to show up. I wonder if he will apologize, but then again I know he probably won't. I'm thinking about him too much lately it seems. I wish I wouldn't sometimes. My youngest daughter, she says just move on and don't think about the past. But I have pushed my feelings about all of it for too long, which in turn makes me not feel much anyway. I'm not sure how I feel about him or myself. I'm married to a wonderful man, who takes care of me and loves me for me. Maybe it would have helped to have the parole hearing and that way I could say some things to him and see his reaction. I want him to feel bad for what he did all those years. Is that crazy or too much to ask?!

I had tried to "help" him at the beginning (such as find him programs to help him) and stay with him, but then I got contempt of court order and put in the county jail for 2 weeks. Which I see as stupid now, but at the time I didn't know what to do.

I just really not sure how I feel. It's hard to "feel" anything with all these meds. This wellbutrin they have me on is making me more numb it feels. Hard to laugh at jokes even. Sorry it's such a long post. That's all for now.

 

[cntrymom08466]

I noticed people have viewed this post but no replies. I'm probably just a crazy person.

 

[Rainman8772]

I viewed yes but did not answer because it is not something I can relate to directly. I’m sure you will get an answer soon. People are all over the world on here. ? There is a vast amount of experiences on here. Hopefully you can get an answer soon.

 

[Friday]

Part of me wants to get the protective order and another part just wants to dare him to show up.

Getting the protective order won’t stop him from showing up. It only means that if you call the police? They can take him with them, instead of just telling him to go.

That’s something most people don’t understand... that if you call the police BEFORE someone has done something criminal? They can’t do anything. They can tell someone to go, even 50 times a day, but as long as they’re “just” being somewhere they’re not wanted? Shrug. Nothing they can do.

The protective order? Is what allows them to do something.

It ALSO is what changes the charges to a more serious offense, if they do commit a crime ,on top of breaking the protective order. As an example? I’d never have thought to get a protective order on our DOG. But my lawyer insisted on it, because it meant that if my ex threatened, injured, or killed the family pet... as abusers often do, to threaten/ intimidate/ cause pain... it would be charged as a domestic violence crime (felony), rather than a misdemeanour animal cruelty offense. Sure enough? The day after the 2 year RO on the dog lapsed, “someone” poisoned our dog.

I want him to feel bad for what he did all those years. Is that crazy or too much to ask?!

Not crazy, per se, almost everyone in domestic violence & a helluva lot of people in sexual assault cases are still fawning after their abuser... looking for the approval, their understanding, and attempting to explain things to them... at the very least during the relationship, and often for a very long time after leaving them. There are a lot of reasons behind that? The illusion of control, the disbelief that they could actually“want” to hurt them, the hope that...shrug. Like I said, lots of reasons to cling to them, wanting them to tell you whatever it is you want to hear. But that impulse? Isn’t something you almost ever find OUTSIDE of abuse. It’s one of those waking up moments, when there seems to be new colors in the world, when you realize you don’t give a f*ck what they think, or feel; and couldn’t care less about seeking to change/influence/direct what they think/feel/do... as long as they do it the hell away from you and yours.