Just random stories because I have no questions. I may be looking for some validation but I know what I know. Consciously these stories need no validation.
Story one. Maybe 6 months ago. I will call this the external motivated one. I found myself very mad at me. I went to punch a wall (pretty uncharacteristic of myself). I stopped.
I would like to say my body just, however I was in control if needed. I just let it happen. Alone in my house I did what I call the "silly dance". I flayed around. Arms moving. Legs couldn't stop. Head just kept shaking. I tried to just let it keep going. Anything that wouldn't harm me just let fly. One observation I made was I was squeezing my toes. To the point of wanting them to break. As far as resistance that was all I allowed myself was to not break my toes.
Blah blah. Sequence ends after about 15 minutes. Once done I start to evaluate. I realize my eyes are dry as can be. The muscles in my face are as relaxed as I have ever experienced. My heartbeat is steady. I can't tell which foot is crossed on the other without looking. My hands were not only not sweating but I believe they started a process to soak in any moisture.
In my mind I knew of the problems that led to this moment but I could not find them. Although I knew I still had problems (externally) I couldn't access a damn thing. I knew I could be a calm character but until that moment know how good that calm character was at confussing himself.
Story 2 I will keep shorter.
6 months later. Went through a somewhat "challenging" mindfulness exercise. To brief my mind floated. Big time. Mostly trauma recovery "..." but it floated.
I tried hard to do the no judgement thing. A couple hours later though it was time to evaluate.
Unknown to me I was there again. My hands had dried up. My face was at full relation. I couldn't find a single itch on my whole body. I had to put pressure on my injured foot to know it was not heeled.
I am working on figuring out what all this is. Just thought typing this out may help me.
Story one. Maybe 6 months ago. I will call this the external motivated one. I found myself very mad at me. I went to punch a wall (pretty uncharacteristic of myself). I stopped.
I would like to say my body just, however I was in control if needed. I just let it happen. Alone in my house I did what I call the "silly dance". I flayed around. Arms moving. Legs couldn't stop. Head just kept shaking. I tried to just let it keep going. Anything that wouldn't harm me just let fly. One observation I made was I was squeezing my toes. To the point of wanting them to break. As far as resistance that was all I allowed myself was to not break my toes.
Blah blah. Sequence ends after about 15 minutes. Once done I start to evaluate. I realize my eyes are dry as can be. The muscles in my face are as relaxed as I have ever experienced. My heartbeat is steady. I can't tell which foot is crossed on the other without looking. My hands were not only not sweating but I believe they started a process to soak in any moisture.
In my mind I knew of the problems that led to this moment but I could not find them. Although I knew I still had problems (externally) I couldn't access a damn thing. I knew I could be a calm character but until that moment know how good that calm character was at confussing himself.
Story 2 I will keep shorter.
6 months later. Went through a somewhat "challenging" mindfulness exercise. To brief my mind floated. Big time. Mostly trauma recovery "..." but it floated.
I tried hard to do the no judgement thing. A couple hours later though it was time to evaluate.
Unknown to me I was there again. My hands had dried up. My face was at full relation. I couldn't find a single itch on my whole body. I had to put pressure on my injured foot to know it was not heeled.
I am working on figuring out what all this is. Just thought typing this out may help me.
