I think it's really good that you told your therapist some of this, because there's probably a lot to process in that. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to see my therapist when my insurance changes in the new year. But the panic hasn't been horrible because I think I'm in a better place and able to process my options and also realize it's not all over. If you're having a lot of negative and distressing symptoms that feel hard to control, is changing the schedule an option? Like compromising somewhat between how often you were meeting before and what you are doing now?
Being able to talk about panic, fears, and how we're doing through changes helps relieve some of the tension for me. It sounds really quirky, but my therapist has been on a medical break and I was able to do a better job of finding some other resources, like a meditation group, because I felt like my therapist hadn't just "disappeared" or like she or I was just erased. It can't be explained rationally (likely early trauma stuff). I "disappear" into a thick bubble where I don't connect with the world. I feel nothing in that space...cannot be comforted or harmed, but am completely alone, even if someone is sitting right next to me.
The thought of finally being able to connect, even a little, with someone I can tell all this weird stuff to, and then just leaving, seems pretty horrible. But it helps to realize that this is part of the recovery for me...it just has to be timed right and manageable so it feels like I've actually attained something I never had within myself, a new level of connection and autonomy. I've been naturally doing a little better accessing other resources. So I don't feel like I'm being pushed out. I think if it were too early and I was told I had to barely come to therapy or quit, I might just be tossed more badly into my disappearing. So it's something that requires a careful approach. Good you can talk to your therapist about how you are doing through it.
As for panic, it sometimes helps me to push against something, release some of the energy, or breathe slowly into my hands like I am getting life support oxygen. If I'm feeling pre-panic anxious, sort of a buzzing or a little compressed, it helps to go for a walk. If I'm at point of messing up my hearth rhythm, I need to lay down but push against a wall or heavy piece of furniture with my legs, slowly, releasing some of the panic charge. I know less about what my panic comes from and more about responding to panic, so in my body I just feel more confident and can evade panic attacks mostly before they are fully out of control.
