Re-wired Brain And 'trade-off' Effect From Ptsd???

[NinaFa63873]

Hi everyone,

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD (suffering the C/type2 kind) and I have come to realize I'm living in hell as we all do with this horrific dysfunction I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. After finding this forum and browsing the threads I recognize myself and my symptoms in many of the posts. However- there is one thing that has happened to me that confuses me and scares me and I haven't found any information online regarding it. I think it's not PTSD in itself but could be something different.

I'm sure many of you would agree that the dissociating and non-epileptic absence seizures part in PTSD is quite scary. I was having these issues prior to my diagnoses and was set-off during an acute stress period a couple of months ago. During this time my visual memory changed rapidly - I was stunned when I realized I had somehow developed an highly advanced eidetic and synaessthetic memory which improved my work massively (I'm drawing for a living). I have been a good designer before without this visual skill but this (if you please excuse straight-forwardness) was something else...it feels 'over human' or abnormal. My brain feels like a computer and re-wired. My technical work also changed as I became really good at second guessing millimeters quite accurately with one glance and drawings suddenly look like photographs. I also become obsessively creative and can't stop creating which lead to me almost stop talking or talking very little. I have developed some strange fascination of words that I keep re-arranging in my head. It seem like I have started to suddenly use some kind of fundamental structure in my thinking and drawing. I also seem to no longer be able to understand everyday systems if they are not pure 100% logical which is frustrating in many other social ways. Please note, the change in my work as been noticed and commented on by others.

Now- all of above is obviously great and not a PTSD symptom but please do understand that I'm suffering with all other PTSD symptoms which have made me dysfunctional in endless other ways. It almost feel like I trade off so bad it's not worth it as I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm concerned because I have not found any information about what has happened to me and I doubt it's a combination of something else rather than PTSD alone. I'm extremely frightened that PTSD and or seizures have caused some sort of injury to my brain.

Please, DO ANYONE KNOW or at least have an IDEA what could have happen? OR- have anyone experienced something similar with the PTSD?

Thanks

 

[fly away home]

I work with people who have asperges and autism spectrum disorder. I see similar traits. Not saying this is you at all but the pure logic. The obsessive creativity. The need to rearrange things like words. The accuracy with measurements. Living in your head and not talking. Synesthesia. I am no expert but I just noticed a lot of similarities.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I also become obsessively creative and can't stop creating which lead to me almost stop talking or talking very little. I have developed some strange fascination of words that I keep re-arranging in my head. It seem like I have started to suddenly use some kind of fundamental structure in my thinking and drawing

This happened to me at one point before I understood what was occurring but has not for a time. During a time when I was under enourmous stress (I was living in my car at the time and had a lot of isolation- I also had a lot of fear as I had no home for protection and felt very exposed.. so I would park and hide sometimes (then usually in cemetaries as no one go there and frankly at the time I felt closer to dead people), or go for long drives if I could afford them where words would jump out that would randomly trigger things in my head.. I was trying to sort a lot out other than the day to day having undiagnosed PTSD at the time. That was about 5 years ago. Hasn't really happened since but if it would the advice I would say to myself now would be:

"your mind is desperately trying to communicate something with you that you are out of touch with. Be patient with it, sit as an oberserver, allow the emotion to come and pass.. and at the end of every trial that will not last forever lies a blessing. Don't be afraid.

Currently I also find music very therapeutic. A song at a time represents a particular phase/ mental place/ struggle, and I will frequently rearrange same songs as though I am I putting the pieces to a puzzle together making a new picture from them.. till I come to an acceptable work of art in my mind.. assembling/reassembling pieces of a broken life.

Take care!
(I should add, I am undergoing some current psychological testing to see if anything falls outside of the realm of PTSD..)

 

[NinaFa63873]

@fly away home

Thanks a lot guys for your replies,

I have came across the autism info and I do agree with you that they seem to function like I currently do. I have thought about it because I do have ADHD diagnose and sometime the two share symptoms. I'm just perplexed with its rapid onset and like it came from nowhere. I also heard some people feel autistic with PTSD which I thought could have been the case, the only difference would be I don't feel autistic but I act like one at the moment and I do prove my skill as I'm able to put it on paper.

Strange this whole thing...

 

[fly away home]

Oh I feel entirely autistic. I think that's why I work with people who are on the extreme end of the scale. I totally understand how things are for them. I hadn't heard that people with ptsd feel autistic. That gave me a good laugh, and thoroughly needed laugh too. Thank you! But again I'm not saying this is you. Hope you get some answers. I'm curious now.

 

[fly away home]

"your mind is desperately trying to communicate something with you that you are out of touch with. Be patient with it, sit as an oberserver, allow the emotion to come and pass.. and at the end of every trial that will not last forever lies a blessing. Don't be afraid.

Wow. What a beautifully kind way to speak to yourself in such desperate times. You should be proud of how gentle and caring you are.

 

[NinaFa63873]

Hahaha...I came across some posts online on other forums but in a different language though. However- it makes sense the whole correlation with autism-ptsd so I'm not surprised you feel that way. PTSD effects so social skill, self-neglect, sensory system which combined leads to decreased overall daily function and normal everyday life. These are all symptoms in autism as well so it make perfect sense that many of you 'feel austistic'. There's also another aspect wich is for the people with PTSD and DID which often have that inner clueless innocent child within, I could see how these people also could somewhat relate to people on the spectrum that in some cases very 'child like' even as adults.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Thank you fly away home.. my T has me doing some parts work, its making me better about talking to myself lol.. seems insane, but she says it works. Does seem to be helping even just 2 weeks into it. :)
take care~

 

[Powder]

I agree entirely with @4melissa .

I have had similar occurences, but rather than becoming creative, I do become hyper-locial and less vocal. This is a part I have come to refer to as the Professor. Ironnically, I am a professor as part of my profession (also just "part" of my profession, which I guess mirrors my "parts," although I do not have DID.

I do suffer from child abuses that has led to my developing with structural dissociation. This means that it was common for myself and family members to switch into a different version or software running on the same operating system in order to cope with life. I see how this still continues to affect me into my 30s.

At times, I am able to hyperfocus and do mental work that others find too challenging. This happens seemingly at random but often during relationship or self-identity stress times. For instance, while trying to have a boyfriend in high school, the stress caused a switch, and I went from someone who struggled to pull B's in regular Chemistry to being able to study with the Honors class and do stoichiometry problems that they had to do in steps on paper in my head in about five to ten seconds. Even though I've always struggled to any math in my head, even simple math, suddenly it seemed to happen almost automatically like I became a computer. This was somewhat frightening. The classmates were astounded and did not believe I could do it. They thought I was cheating or lying to them and had already worked it all out ahead of meeting time somehow.

I have also had times like you mentioned during which I see geometric symbols in my mind that seem infinitely meaningful, as if part of some metalanguage of the universe. They flash in my mind's eye at the same super-fast frequency as the steps of the stoichiometry. It seems to happen faster than I can consciously read, but my super-logical "part" feels right at home producing and interpreting it's own symbolism.

This is actually something I've discussed with other child abuse survivors. We often invent our own languages as children, and are very creative and gifted or even psychic, because the developmental abilities of the children remain fixed and undecayed within in. We can access these parts and use their gifts. But we pay for them with the trauma they recall most vividly.

 

[NinaFa63873]

Hmm...thanks for sharing Muse...it's extremely interesting what you are writing especially the flash you are describing because the same type of flash in my mind's eye with the feeling of a vacuum force (which although is Synaesthesia/ additional sensory interpretation) was the initial on set to all this. It's like seeing into your subconsciousness which feels supernatural. That flash (in my case) made all my drawings into 100% accurate perspective freehand from memory and I was stunned when I doubled checked in a software as my retina/eyes which I obviously don't "use" anymore when drawing used to (which I was never able to see before) break the perspective consistently at the same point in all my work. This is something I noticed with other highly gifted professional artist/designer as well - their tiny tiny retina problems, now that to me is creepy. The "logic" interpretation from your memory is like you say different from mine because that logic is pure math in my physical system that I practically prove with all these dimensions and visuals/technical, which feels so strange and unrealistic.

The last part you wrote is also interesting and I can see that being a possible answer and this is why I posted on here to check if any other PTSD suffer have had this kind of experience. I found old drawings I had done as a 3 year old...after I researched children's drawings I realized that they were not typical for that age and by far more advanced and I could copy advanced images extremely accurate without knowing what I was doing. I have been NC with my abusers for 2years now and a possible reason this switch has happened and now and not 10 years ago, it could be as you say the price the trauma and abuse has cost. I could have inhibited my memory to survive the abuse.

However...there is something contradictory with that as well...many children have very photo realistic memories which normally goes away with age and so I'm still wondering if I just lost like everyone else but that would leave me at where I am right now - like a question mark with how this suddenly switched.

You are describing that you felt like a computer...was that computerized feeling only in relation to your math? or was it in other areas too?

THANKS again I truly appreciate your and all of your comments as I feel it's quite rare and have nobody to really talk to plus I'm a bit scared as I mentioned in my post and a bit sad too because I feel a bit like a freak now.

 

[Powder]

Great response!

I don't really know how to explain some of the weird cognitive expressions that I think are related to my PTSD. Sometimes, they seem more in the realm of spiritual experiences, but only because science hasn't explained them yet.

Years ago, when I was 12, I had a lot of pain during my 2nd menses, and as a result, neglected to eat. With pain that is not distal, but is centrally located in my body, nearer to by tummy/spine, I tend to dissociate. I think that may be what happened, when I got up to get Ibuprophen, and found I could not make my arm move. I had partial paralysis, I felt so tired, suddenly, and also sort of apathetic about the pain, and began to "leave my body" I guess.

I began to walk back to the living room, and in the dining area, my vision went totally "white." All I saw was white light, and I was temporarily blind. I also could not tell my body what to do, so it kept walking on its own. I was trapped inside of it. My body walked, and must have veered to the left slightly as I ran into a wall, rather than going through the archway, and I hit the concrete tile floor. This "woke me up" and I was able to pick myself up off the floor feeling normal again.

Other times, when triggered by total fear, I have seen in black and white only, feeling as if I were an animal.

Another time, I saw normally but colors and shapes seemed intensified and "heavenly" as if I were in Nirvana. The trees impossibly green, the blue of the sky so beautiful. I felt a surge of aesthetic bliss just looking upon the beauty of my street while driving! And as you said, at the same time, I was seeing through my "child eyes" which saw the world this way, but also felt a great undercurrent of loss and sadness at living in an abusive and unsafe home. I felt like crying and laughing at the same time, but was also just marveling at how I could all of sudden "switch" and see the world through different eyes, as though I were someone else, and a child and adult and the same time. This episode happened two days in a row and was precipitated by body memory pain in my trunk, just prior to the "switch" to seeing through rose tinted glasses, as it were, for a few magical moments.

I see these as structural dissociation intrusions upon my core personality from fragments and parts from childhood. They seem to happen in response to the combination of physical pain within my PTSD body and dissociation.

On another time as a 17 year old, a male friend frightened me so suddenly and I "totally check out" fell down, blacked out. He could not wake me. I don't know "where I went" but I lost several minutes of time, with total amnesia. He was calling 911 when I woke up on the floor, and it took me a minute to figure out what happened. I was fuzzy about what occured, and I just wanted to go home and recuperate. I walked home as a zombie, another thing that happens to me. They call this the "recuperative" EP, or emotional Part, that is stuck on the recuperation mode, a way the body responds to trauma.

When my PTSD levels are bad, I can work all week, but I crash all weekend in bed recuperating, half in a daze, losing hours of time and feeling no energy. I now recognize this recuperative part.

If you relate to any of these kinds of experiences, then it might be worth looking into Structural Dissociation. I read the book _Haunted Self_ Dead Link Removed
and found it made me feel less freakish or scared of my dissociation. It explained it all so well and resolved many of my "unexplained" life events, only a few of which I can talk about (the ones above). Many I have trouble accessing or dealing with enough to even think about.

Hope this helps. Whatever you "have" remember you have yourself, and you can make something wonderful out of that, no matter what has happened in the past. I think you sound incredibly talented and gifted in various ways. I would see that for the beauty that it is. It is rare for people to be able to produce any work at all, much less as accurately as you can. I can think of so many wonderful uses for your gift to help others or for your own personal enjoyment.

Try not to see yourself as "different" but to respect yourself for who you are. Also, most people have strange experiences, I think, but dismiss and instantly forget them, or fail to register them, because they don't know how to categorize them and see no use for them. But it doesn't mean it isn't common. It is uncommon to reflect on them and share them with others. This forum is a good place. A good therapist will also be aware of this, and provide space to air things that have no other place to be aired.

I will check out the links you posted above. Curious! :)

 

[NinaFa63873]

Muse - again..another interesting respond! and what and inspirational and kind post, thanks :)

You are mentioning 'spiritual experiences', now that is something I have been thinking of a lot about in my experiences. I was never religious and never did I believe in anything spiritual or supernatural but after this have happened to me I started to question myself. As I mentioned has happened to me and what I suddenly can do feels supernatural and would it then mean that perhaps I'm actually rather spiritual for acknowledging it. You make an valid and very good point stating 'Sometimes, they seem more in the realm of spiritual experiences, but only because science hasn't explained them yet. ' which is exactly what it is. Rational reasoning and logic doesn't belong in these topics because there are no "equation" explaining and supporting them. The world was once flat but it's no longer - when these things can be scientifically proven it becomes logic. I see it as - the brain and universe is a mystery and accepting that we can't know everything is comforting in a way because it doesn't invalidate my experiences either. I find it extremely difficult to explain to people when they ask me about my work, 'how do you do it?' or 'describe your Synasthesia' because as soon as I start talking about it I hear myself sounding a 'bit out there' or even 'crazy'. I thought for the first month I was going crazy with this whole thing but I have been evaluated pretty intensely and I'm not showing any signs of insanity that's why the next step is a neurological examination and I doubt that will explain any of it anyways but hoping it to rule out at least my concern I had some brain damage or tumor.

Regarding structural dissociation...I honestly know very little about it but checked out few reviews on the book you recommended and it's worth a read, gotten great reviews it seems and I generally see non-fiction books (even if it doesn't necessarily relate to me and my interest) as a waste of time or less interesting.

I can't relate so much to your dissociating episodes you describe and I'm sorry you have to go trough these. When the PTSD becomes heavy physical pain on top of the emotional and functional, it's unbearable. The physical symptoms I have had comes from absent seizures and the after affects as well as overall anxiety/tension. I'm not sure but don't think my new 'vision' comes from dissociating because that I do during the seizures which is very confusing and scary and looks slightly differently in terms of location and what I'm doing etc. this feels different. It was never fragments that popped up in different ways, it just popped up out of the blue over short time and since then it's just consistently been there all the time and I can access it when I want to an use it when I'm working in an exact mechanical, unemotional and structural way - it's extremely clear to me. However- my overall creative obsession and speech impairment could be some sort of dissociative state but in many ways it does feel like a 'trade-off'.

Books like the one you are mentioning is highly important - there's a STIGMA to these things. PTSD and DID is scary and as we both agree 'we feel freakish' or 'crazy' when in fact we are in a human way reacting to what we been trough. I wonder how many of the mental illnesses - the many different ones are actually just forms of dissociation from stressful individual experiences difficult for others and even ourselves to grasp and therefore get the label "INSANE".

There is no way possible every human will react to a traumatic event in the exact same way because every horrific event is an action taken place in reality but in different contexts...and therefore becomes difficult for others to understand and relate to. The after trauma on the other hand is processed with human biological factors such as sensory perception, once recorded this real life and concrete event making us relate with our PTSD symptoms. If PTSD didn't exist as a diagnose today I wonder how many of us (like back in the days) would end up institutionalized.

Lastly - your final comments are very comforting, encouraging and intelligent. I can see how your hard past and all the suffering along the way and road to healing made you very wise. I'm very grateful you are using your knowledge in a beautiful way such as being on this forum and sharing your thoughts and it makes me want to do the same.