Reaching Out - Help Please

[canucklady]

I am having terrible flashbacks and panic attacks. Fall is always bad time for me, and Nov 11th is worst day. It is ironic, on Rembrance Day, I remember yet, but not soldiers, I remember another battle, a battle I lost, a battle where part of me died and ex-boyfriend took part of my soul.

So I called doctor today, left message. I can barely remember what I said. She called me back right away. She made appointment for tomorrow morning at 8 am, so trying to hang on for 12 hours. I tried calling a few friends but then feel guilty bothering them with this. So I am writing here instead.

Like I said am having flashbacks. Hearing programs on TV, hearing ceremonies, seeing poppies just brings images back. Thank God it wasn't raining today, I think that would have pushed me over the edge.

Thing is, now I that have appointment, I am not sure what to tell her tomorrow morning. I usually get there and then I freeze and don't know what to say. All I know is that this year has been worse then others. There is alot more detail that I am remembering.

I hope this post makes some sense.

 

[Iam]

HI Canucklady,

Don't worry about your session tomorrow. That will take care of itself. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I am glad that you are reaching out here.

I know what I am about to post sounds so stupid when we are in the middle of it all, but grounding exercises are for just times such as these. If the tv is adding to it turn it off. Maybe put on some soothing music instead? Try to remember that this is now and that was then. You are safe. Get something cold out of the freezer and hold it. Look around the room count how many things are squares etc.

We're here for you and will listen, but if that isn't enough call a crisis line. Having someone to talk to can help cut back on the flashbacks. Sending prayers your way.

 

[Tessa]

Hi Canucklady,

Sorry this is so hard for you. Panic attacks and flashbacks can make it all feel overwhelming.

Try to do some soothing things for yourself and remember we are here with you in spirit as you tackle this difficult time.

Hugs
Tessa

 

[PTSDT]

The fear of having the attacks can be worse than the attack. I find myself having heightened anxiety about the anxiety I might have. It is a roller coaster and it is a valid human reaction for me to want to get off the ride.

One thing, I haven't died from the anxiety attacks. I find that if I can try to make myself think about the other side of the attack, it helps a little. Kind of a self talk reminding myself that I made it through the last time, so I will make it through this time.

Hang on. A very carrying doctor is valuable.

 

[jesse]

Hi Canucklady sorry you are struggling so much. I started writing a journal kind of. I only write in it when I am really mad about something or feeling a lot of anxiety. I just started doing it a month ago and it helps. It's like an outlet for all that pent up emotion. Maybe try it and see if it helps? Hope your session went well today.
Jesse

 

[bluecat]

Hi Canucklady,

I am really sorry you're having such a hard time with your flashbacks right now. It feels awful, but even the worst flashback passes eventually and this one will pass too. I hope therapy tomorrow will bring you some relief, but don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you freeze, you freeze, its OK, you'll formulate what you need to share with your therapist when you're ready. The relief might come slowly, but the slow progress is the lasting kind.

For now, try to rest and take good care of yourself. Warm bath, candles, cup of tea, warm blanket, those kind of things might bring you some relief. One thing that brought me relief when I was having really overwhelming intense flashbacks was - don't laugh at me - having a stuffed animal and snuggling with it in my bed. Not something that would work for everyone, but IMO anything that makes you feel safe and comfortable is good.

And remember, you are not alone. Whatever happened in your past that you went through, its not happening now. Now its just memories and you have this whole community of people who know just how you feel. You're doing great reaching out to your therapist and writting here, you have some good coping skills : ) Hang in there!

Bluecat

 

[jesse]

Just thinking of you today Canucklady and hoping you are feeling a little better. Flashbacks are really scary and I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Take care.
Jesse

 

[canucklady]

Thank you all for support/suggestions. I actually printed out what I wrote and brought it to doctor. I did freeze once I got there. We tried some grounding excercises, but once she asked me to concentrate on what am feeling in body, I panicked more. Not sure what that is about.

Then there is a part of me that just wants to give up on therapy and feels hopeless, which I am constantly battling. It is exhausting sometimes. Very very exhausting.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Canucklady,

I hope you're feeling better, today...

I freeze, too, but it becomes much less frightening as time goes on and you become comfortable with using grounding techniques. Freezing is the initial stage of a very powerful, primative survival trait. It's ok.
Feeling what is going on in your body helps you move out of the initial freeze state.

I have the same difficulty when asked to become aware of what my body is feeling. What your therapist is doing with you, very gently, is a very, very powerful and healing form of therapy. My trauma therapists are doing this with me, and while I get frightened at having to emerge from my numbed-out, self-protective state, I trust them and am learning more about the value of this type of powerful and healing therapy (Somatic). What you feel shifts as you relax into it and follow what your body is signaling, leaning on the therapist to gently guide you through it.
Flashbacks might come up, but then you're guided through it, and out the other side. It becomes very empowering as you learn how to manage flashbacks. They become teachers, rather than something to be terrified of and carried away by.

Please don't give up on therapy. Yes, it can be exhausting, but it also brings transformation, inspiring, healing...
(I'm intensely grateful for therapy, even when it is so difficult.) I hope you'll find it to become among the most important gifts you can give to yourself. You deserve healing!

Thinking of you,
deer_in_headlights

 

[PTSDT]

Fall and Winter are very tough for me also. I grew up in Southern California and when I was 15, I was told I was moving to a very backwards state.

I went through a very serious trauma at work involving a terrorist cell before, during, and after the attacks. When I recently started my prolonged exposure therapy, I discovered that the move here was really the foremost trauma I couldn't escape. I regret not moving back home. I did not fit in where I am now. I never will. I stayed for my little sisters and stayed to take care of my family.

I call it a kidnapping even though it was my parents who did it. I don't remember very much at all of my first two years here except for feeling like I was in H##L. I am. I live in an area where there is religious abuse. I live where intelligence is a deficit. I live where being thin means you will be glared at. I was abused by religious family members here who somehow got my parents to move here telling us that we were going to go to H%%L if we did not speak in tongues and follow a specific doctrine. I hate my parents for not getting us out of here. I hate my younger self for not getting me out of here. I live in the dark underbelly of the Belt. We moved here in mid October and went from sunshine, friends, normal people to dark, gloomy weather and mean people. I want to go home. The only thing that keeps me alive is spite and primal survival instinct. I guess it's enough. I hope the therapy gives me better reasons.

 

[jesse]

If anyone here has made a breakthrough on how to get past the initial part of completely freezing up when your T asks how you are feeling would you please share it? I can empathize with how Canucklady feels, just started with a new T and it seems my brain is short circuiting when asked to put thoughts with emotions. I understand that revealing your feelings/thoughts is crucial to recovery but how the heck do you even start? Thanks for bringing this to light Canucklady. I would write things down but I don't know what my T's question is going to be until I get there.
Jesse

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear Jesse,

I struggled with this for ages, until a trauma therapist discovered I actually needed permission to talk, to tell her about me (instead of being hypervigilant about her).

[I wasted so much time with a social worker, who interpreted my silence as something that would eventually change as I got comfortable with him, so we'd spend the entire session talking about him. (Therapy doesn't go far at all when you're not able to talk.)]

I don't know if this fits much for you, but having spent much of a lifetime being silent (because abusers didn't like talk, sound, crying when abused or in pain, etc...) only available to take care of their needs, etc..., the following helped me crack that brain freeze around the frightening "How are you feeling?":

* I actually needed from my therapist (in the beginning) continual permission and encouragement to speak. I still struggle with it, but I can talk now with therapists when they ask. If you were silent during childhood for safety reasons, you might want to ask your T to give you permission to talk. Seems odd, but it can swiftly undo years of conditioning by abusive authority figures, and being bound in the silence of shame.

* Sometimes I needed to say after struggling to give a good answer, "I'm not certain, but for some reason the first thing that comes to mind is ______."

I try to go to each session with at least 1 question I want to ask the Therapist. That seems to help.

--- (as an aside):
When I'm asked by friends or other people how I am, who are NOT therapists and I don't want to tell anything deeply personal to, I just respond truthfully: "I'm fine." Truthfully, because an abuse survivor friend gave our group a delightful definition of F.I.N.E.: "F(oul)ed up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional."
When I know I can resort to F.I.N.E., my brain doesn't freeze because I have a ready answer for them.
(Don't use this on your therapist! :-)
___

I don't know if this post helps, but I did what you are describing every time anyone asked me that question! Drove me nuts, and really hampered therapy until the above assists helped break the ice.
Further therapy, including EMDR, grounding (getting present), Somatic therapy all have helped with this difficulty.
Now there are times when I talk the entire hour, with the therapist grinning from ear-to-ear.

Jesse, my heart and thoughts are with you!
Warmly,
deer