Reaching Out

[ClairBear226]

Why is that so damned hard? To reach out and tell someone we need help? Is it a pride thing? A fear of being weak, or someone thinking less of us? Is it a direct byproduct of PTSD? Or is it that we've been slapped in the nose with a newspaper for it so many times, that we've "learned our lesson"?

I'm not one that posts a lot on here, and really not one that can "tell my story". I lurk, I read, I make an occasional comment, but that's about it. I had someone that I trust finally make a dent in my thick head, and convince me I wasn't going to self destruct if I actually reached out (thanks, Zip). And I did. I finally have broken down and told both my husband and my best friend the kind of shape I'm in right now within the last 24 hours. Nope. Didn't self destruct. But I swear it was like trying to give birth to a 5 year old kid by natural childbirth. What the hell makes it so hard?

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know how you did it-but you did- congratulations!! :)
Yes- 5 year old twins, lol

 

[Zipperhead]

;)

 

[LoyalOne]

(((clairbear)))

 

[maddog]

Oh Clairbear, I understand so very much. I think there are boundless possible reasons for this, depending on our upbringing and our life experiences since then. I know that for me, self expression of any sort was viciously punished as a child, and quadruple the negative backlash should I ever have expressed weakness, asked for help or sought any form of comfort or the need for indulgence of any emotion. The depth of my fear of such things is beyond anything I could have imagined.

This issue is painfully close for me actually, as it is the reason for the breakdown I had early last year that started me on this whole journey. In short, some current life circumstances and workplace issues opened the floodgates on my past, stripped away my defense mechanisms and brought history pouring back over me in a whole new rush of nightmares, flashbacks and self destruction. i went to see a workplace psych about the presenting workplace issues and stressors, and spent about 3 months talking to him about these matters and nothing else. My desperate need to tell the truth about what was *really* wrong with me became so out of control in that time that I found myself engaging in all sorts of abstract, disguised help seeking behaviours, and all because i couldn't say the words, "I need some help... I'm not ok."

My psych, legend that he is, eventually saw through the mask and had put at least some of the pieces together long before the day of collapse that almost ended my career, and my life. It was one of the lowest moments of my existence, and that's saying something. God, it triggers me so badly even now...

All these months later the shame of that experience and the disgusting acts of dishonesty and betrayal that resulted from it, is still raw, yet not half as raw as the difficulty I still have in expressing that most simple, yet most fundamental, need, for help, security, disclosure and honesty with another person.

To this day it can take me many aborted attempts before I can honestly answer the classic therapy question of "how are you feeling?" - and this is with someone I trust.

In some ways it is easier when I can hide behind the anonymity of writing and invisibility. i've managed to be more open on this forum than I ever thought was possible, but know that it wouldn't be the same if I actually had to face you all in person. I suppose it's why I write so much and so obsessively - sometimes it feels like my only means of self expression that isn't tainted with awkwardness and a mask so tight that I don't know what it feels like to live without it.

Yes, those 5 year old twins are familiar here too, only I think that giving birth to them would in fact be easier than this struggle, because you'd only have to do it once and then it would be over.

Maddog

 

[Zipperhead]

You do only have to do it once. Each time after that gets a little bit easier. And if you truely trust your confidant, it makes it even easier again. You know what they say, practice makes perfect. I'm practicing right now for other issues that we still haven't gotten too in therapy. Start with the little things, and if your heads still attached, move on. I'm going to make it. Glad you've started your trip too, Bear. Send some pictures from Florida, will ya?

 

[ClairBear226]

Every get panicky after you told somebody? I was doing great, then started to freak a little. Like buyer's remorse or something. I just completely left my comfort zone behind. EEK. :eek::oops::cautious::O_o: For somebody that likes to act tough, I sure am a big chicken s**t.

 

[Zipperhead]

Relax tonight. Keep busy, and tommorow you will see that the anxiety was for nothing. The sun will rise, and she'll still be your friend.

 

[maddog]

Yep, the "oh my God, what have I done..." - know that one very well. Actually am floundering in the midst of it this very second, having just shared a particularly yukky portion of memory with my T, involving some behaviour of mine of which I feel repulsively ashamed.

And that's why it's so important to be sharing with the right people, those who you know and trust, as much as we are able, to make an empathic, balanced affirming response. The reinforcement or punishment of disclosing behaviour can make or break the likelihood that it will continue, and so the other person's response *does* matter.

Maddog

 

[ClairBear226]

In some ways it is easier when I can hide behind the anonymity of writing and invisibility. i've managed to be more open on this forum than I ever thought was possible, but know that it wouldn't be the same if I actually had to face you all in person. I suppose it's why I write so much and so obsessively - sometimes it feels like my only means of self expression that isn't tainted with awkwardness and a mask so tight that I don't know what it feels like to live without it.

Yep. Absitively, posolutely.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Wow...huge steps...very proud of you! ((((Clairbear))))

 

[doglover]

Aha hooray for you, ClairBear! Way to go!!

I can say for me it's not always hard to ask for help. If I'm in a needy mood it's easier, and it's easier for task completion than it is for anything emotion-related. But sometimes it's really really hard. I think due to the perfectionism - trying to be perfect as a way to get what I needed. That, and because I wasn't allowed to have needs of my own. So verbalizing them is super hard. I can write it down a little more easily.

I'm really glad you gave birth to that 5 year old and came out here with the rest of us!